end of my rope?
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|Wed, 11-12-2003 - 5:48pm|
Well, last night he got drunk again, and then he missed work. He claims it's because he was depressed.
I was going to go into all the details, but sitting here, I realize that HIS details don't even matter. It's my details that I need to start dealing with. I've put myself aside for so long now. I think I began to realize just how deeply this all was affecting me when I woke up the other night from a really horrible nightmare in which he was using again. It may have been the most frightening dream of my life. And then today, at lunch, my friend said, "Anne, do you ever cry?" I realized that what I've been dealing with would break many people. And I also realized I'm near my breaking point.
As I read through some of te posts here, one poster said that when you reach your bottom you'll just know it. You won't be able to think of a reason to stay.
I'm not sure I'm there yet, but I don't see how I couldn't be. I have no more faith that he will ever recover. Hope, perhaps, but no more faith.
Is it the hope that keeps me there? Is it the lvoe I feel for this man? But how can I feel so much love for someone I don't even trust anymore?
I don't knwo what to do. If I ask him to leave, he'll really have no where to go and I'll be in some serious financial straits. I'm also worried that if I ask him to go that he'll sink into a deep depression (he's also bi polar and on meds for it) and end up OD'ing. And I know, rationally, that I can't stay because of what he MAY do, but it still scares me. I still loe this person and don't want anythig bad to ever happen to him. But I'm also feeling so beat down emotionally. I don't see how I can recover with him in my life, but I also can't stand the though of him not being in my life.
There's genuine love between the three of us, but I'm beginning to think that love isn't always enough. I'm beginning to feel like I'm no competition for addiction and for his selfishness.
I don't know if I can ever get over the lies, and I don't know if he'd ever stop telling them.
The sadness is overwhelming.
Please help me. I need a friend who's been there so badly...