Hoping things will change
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|Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:58pm|
I posted earlier about my husband's drinking. I don't think he is an alcoholic but he for sure is headed in that direction if he doesn't stop. I went to Alanon.com and printed off their survey. I answered 6 questions "yes" so that signifies there could definitely be a problem.
Last night I sat down with DH (again) and told him that I didn't understand why he was so interested in being friends with our neighbor B, who is a wife abuser and child neglecter. I didn't understand why drinking had to be the #1 activity he engages in with his friends. I didn't understand why I am made to feel like the "work" and his going out with friends drinking is the "reward," like it's not enough to just spend time with me (either at home or out). I didn't understand why drinking was so important to him. None of these things he answered. I was cool and calm but he got real defensive real fast. He deflected everything back on to me, telling me he weighs more so he can drink more (oh my God I wonder if he knew how ridiculous he sounded). He told me it's about socializing and hanging out, not drinking. He doesn't condone our friend's behavior but he says he is "convenient" because he is next door. A little too convenient if you ask me. But he couldn't tell me why drinking is so important. He told me, "I'm not going to change. So do what you have to do." And before I could say anything he continued with, "I know you're going to tell me that if I don't stop, the marriage is over, right?" And I just looked at him like, "Are you kidding me?" I told him that no, I wasn't thinking that. I told him I refused to run away from a problem, that I wasn't going anywhere (yet) and that I wanted to fix this. He said that it was my problem, not his. He said I haven't given him a chance to make changes because it's only been a week. True...a week since our last fight. But several years since I've asked him to cut down on drinking. So how much time is it going to take, you know???!?! I told him about the survey but didn't tell him it was from Alanon. He was very defensive even when I told him I didn't think he was an alcoholic. But he goes, "Oh, so some random guy on the internet has a quiz about drinking and now you're applying it to me?" He refused to talk about that even further so I never showed it to him. But I'm keeping it anyway.
And finally his biggest and most commonly used deflection was, "What are YOU doing to change?" I don't know what he expects me to change about myself, other than to pretend like his drinking doesn't bother me.
So finally I broke down and cried. I am NOT a crier. I don't know why, I just never have been, at least in my adult years. I told him that I have been reading "The Power of a Praying Wife" and have been praying more than I have ever in the past few weeks. I have been praying for me, for him and for us and our friends. I have been begging God to change me too, because I know I won't see changes in DH until I change myself. I told DH that I was not standing on a holier-than-thou pedestal shaking my finger at him, treating him like a child. I told him I am doing everything in my power to change and all I ask is that he make that same effort. At first his reaction was, "Then maybe you should pray about how to get over this!" I just about wanted to die, right there. Here I am, spilling my guts (and since I am not a crier he knows I'm not turning the waterworks on just to get what I want). I don't know if he realized what he said or what because I don't remember what happened but suddenly he came over and grabbed me and hugged me. He said maybe B isn't the greatest influence and that last summer was really out of control. I just said I want to be as desirable to him as alcohol.
We were a lot calmer afterwards and talked about things we could do together at night, because he's not as much of a TV freak as I am. I TIVO four or five shows that he doesn't watch, and while we watch Nip/Tuck together beyond that he would rather play Xbox. So we talked about working out together, because we're getting our treadmill back and he has a kick-ass weight system that he rarely uses. We also talked about playing card games for two and he wants to teach me chess. So I'm hoping that he really means it.
I truly do not think he is an alcoholic. But based on his family history and his behavior, and the fact that he hangs out with an abusive, self-absorbed ass, it really could become a serious problem. Please pray for me if you pray...pray for my DH. I want him to make positive changes and stop making this all about me. Before it's too late. Thanks for letting me vent.