Wednesday Phase 2 Check IN
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| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 1:10pm |
Hello friends. Hope you are all doing well. I am a little sleepy. I could not sleep last night. I'm a little grumpy and depressed. DH is gone for awhile for work and I always get depressed. I need something to get me motivated~I should have went to work out today. Oh well I think I'll try something this afternoon.
b: nothing yet
s: lite baby bell cheese
l: lean cuisine
s: lc on triscuits
d: lean cuisine
s: sf popsicles
Tricia
298.4/300.2/140
p.s. I'm feeling so desperate. I want to lose weight so bad, I hate being fat. Sometimes it feels like the harder I try the bigger I get. I want to do weight loss surgery but I'm so afraid something will go wrong and I will suffer because of my vanity. I want to be healthy. I really do. It's just so hard. I can't understand why I can't do this. Why is this so hard. I'm so embarrassed because my stomach is so big. I hate waddling around. I know that my dd wonders why mommy looks so different then the other mommies. I can do cardio for 45 min but I can't seem to stop eating. I binge and purge and binge and purge. I try not to eat at night but then I wake up in the night and eat. I feel so guilty. I usually can do good during the day but lately I've been bingeing and purging on McDonalds. I thought that without the stress of my job maybe I could be happier and begin to care and love myself. I'm trying but I feel further away from myself.....Well I'm feeling better, I needed to talk(write) and the tears needed to flow. I think tom is coming and I'm very emotional right now especially w/ dh gone and it's just dd and me. I know I can do this the healthy way, I have to to have any kind of normal life. This isn't me. I was the into sports and running and I want to be again! I know I can do this.

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(((Tricia)))) Major hugs, sweetie.
Do you have any support for your bulimia?
(((tricia))) Oh, Sweetie, I understand how you're feeling. I have also struggled with an eating disorder -- sort of a sublevel bulimia, which has me purging, but not exactly binging. It's horrifying that we do this to ourselves, but very, very understandable. I think, for many of us, it would have been a miracle if we managed NOT to get an eating disorder.
I've been able to get it under control while on SB. But, before I started this diet, I had been doing a lot of reading, trying to understand where the disorder comes from... I tried very hard to keep in mind that I have to be kind to myself -- treat myself exactly as I would treat a sister or a friend, or a stranger on the street. Imagine saying to yourself, "Wow, look at that woman's rump! She should have stayed home with a butt like that!" (substitute nose or ears or face or anything superficial). Never! That would never occur to me when I look at another woman. I see heart and soul and mind and just do not pick people apart based on their appearance. We don't objectify and shred other people based on their size, but we do that to our own selves!
I know that there's nothing I can say here that will magically heal you -- this stuff runs SO deep and it's so painful. I hope that you can move in the direction of being gentle with yourself about your appearance, and focus instead on your health and sense of fulfillment. It's a cruel thing we do to ourselves, when we decide that our value as a human being is entirely concentrated in the size of our pants.
Here's a book about eating disorders and body image that I found VERY insightful... It's a heavy read, but very well written and so enlightening. It's called _The Body Betrayed_: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0936077239/qid=1115229692/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/002-3748665-9772022?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Huge hugs to you, Tricia. You are a bright star, a child of God, who deserves to be valued and loved for your heart and soul.
Ilse
I can't offer the insight the others have, because I've never had or known anyone who had a true eating disorder. I do have two very close friends who have had bariatric surgery. The first, my dearest friend, gained 100 pounds with pregnancy, never lost it and put on more. She got down to around a size 18W/20W after the surgery (lost around 120 pounds), but she's as big as she ever was now. The other is still in the losing phase (had her surgery last October), so it's too soon to tell how it's going to turn out. You probably know this, but surgery is no guarantee, and you make sacrifices there, too, just like you will need to make some sacrifices to change your WOE. My first friend still can't eat bread, pasta, etc. because of the surgery, but she doesn't have the benefit of the lower weight either, so she's worse off than before surgery. I would have qualified for surgery at the time (over 100 lbs overweight), but I think I'd have to be at rock bottom before I'd take that risk, and I wasn't there.
I see your DD and mine around about the same age. Amani is 6.5 years old. She absolutely is not embarrassed by her Mommy, and I can't imagine that your DD is either. Girls that age idolize their mommies. In fact, my DD is a little sad that I've changed in the last year or so. I've lost close to 50 lbs. so far, cut my hair, a few other little things. She was shaking her 8 ball in the car the other day and saying, "Will my Mommy ever be the same?" I thought I'd wring her little neck after she did it a few times, but it was comforting to know that she loves her Mommy, faults and all, no matter what. I'm sure your DD feels the same way about you.
You really should find someone to talk to, though. Aside from the eating disorder, you could be suffering from depression, and if you could get out from under that cloud, you might see things in a different light and begin to feel better about yourself and your situation.
(( Hugs ))
Lora
Oh Tricia, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. I can tell just by "knowing" you here that you are a wonderfully kind and terrific person and it pains me to know you're so hurt. I have no great words of advice except that I do think it might help to have someone to really talk to-- a counselor, clergymember, close friend even. I am sure having your DH away for so long for work is also taking it's toll. Is he generally supportive?
It sounds like you're doing a whole lot of beating yourself up. Try to do some good things for yourself and please consider getting some help. We all are here for you, Sweetie.
Hugs,
Kim
Hi Tricia:
Sorry to post so late but I was very busy this morning.Happy that I got my walking along the beach in.
OH Tricia!!! I'm so sorry to hear that you're having so much trouble eatingwise. Sending some (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))your way..
my menu today: Phase 1
b-tomato blossom with bacon stuffing inside on a bed of lettuce,1/2 c 1% milk
s-mozz cheese
l-Toad in Whole[sausage links stuffed in SB "Surprise" masshed collie
s-yogurt
d-salad with f.v,BBQ chicken breast, diced tomatoes with black beans for fiber
dessert- l/c milk skake
Hugs Maryann 158/150.5/140
Edited 5/4/2005 5:35 pm ET ET by maw602000
Edited 5/4/2005 5:38 pm ET ET by maw602000
Ilse,
Thank you for your kind words. I talked w/ dh over the phone and told him what I had been doing. As far as he knew I was still doing okay (I had stopped for quite awhile). He was sad but supportive and it really felt good just telling him and all of you. I felt like it was a huge relief to just say that I had a relapse and I didn't have to keep it inside because I was embarrassed and ashamed. We decided it's probably best to talk to my doctor about my medication that I stopped about 3 months ago. Also I made an appointment with a therapist on Friday.
Thanks again for your support!!
Tricia.
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Oh Lora, I agree with you on all points. I decided not to wait until next week to talk to my doctor about taking my meds again. I still had some and decided that it was time to put my denial aside and take stock of the past 3 months without my meds. I'm doing much better now after talking w/ dh and really doing some positive self talk.
I agree that even before the surgery I need to get my emotional eating under control. I read some really helpful articles and past posts about emotional eating that Cathy had posted. I need to keep myself in check and not wait until I get out of control as I did this past week.
Thank you for the information,
Tricia.
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Thank you Kim! I'm feeling a ton better, like night and day. I have an appointment on Friday to talk to a therapist. I've been through it so many times before but I'm new here so I have to start from the beginning. I think that's why I've been putting it off because I don't want to have run through it all again. But I think it's going to be beneficial. I am doing great now.
Thank you,
Tricia.
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Thank you Maryann. I got your hugs! I'm doing better. Thinking a lot clearly now. It's amazing how theraputic it can be just writing something down.
Thank you,
Tricia.
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Thank you Cathy,
I am doing much better and will be seeing a therapist on Friday. I'm definitely seeing things with a more positive outlook now. I appreciate your support!!
Love,
Tricia.
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