Need to Leave but Afraid to do it ...
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|Tue, 02-27-2007 - 1:02am|
I have seen similar messages to what mine will be like when I'm done writing. It's very sad that there are so many of us living in this hell - and we all feel so very alone. We don't deserve this and we need to find a way to either get through it with our sanity intact or get out with our dignity.
My story - I have been married to my husband a little over a year and together more than two years. We were married after 11 months. My first marriage, his second. As someone else wrote the drinking began after his first marriage and seemed to have gotten worse. He drinks a minimum of a gallon and a half of bourbon a week. He only really drinks at home. He'll occasionally drink when he's out, but never makes it appear that he has a problem ... so no one ever believes me when I say he does.
I realize now that he had a problem all along, I just didn't see it. I have been through two suicide attempts, two other major meltdowns, a stint in the hospital after one of the attempts, and many, many mean emails/text messages/or comments after nights of drinking about how he's done/doesn't love me/or hates his life. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore b/c I don't recognize what I see and I hate myself for that.
Tonight I worked late and he emailed me asking me to buy him bourbon on the way home from work. I said, "it's not my policy to do that," and tried saying it funny but I don't think it went over. He told me he would appreciate it if I would and that it was best if he didn't drive. I wasn't able to get back to him quickly enough when I receive a "FORGET IT!!! Don't worry about it. I don't owe anyone and no one owes me. I AM ME!!!" I wrote back how I loved him for being him, but that I wasn't comfortable buying it for him. Then I wrote, "I am done being bullied." and he wrote, "A big f!@# you to you. I loved u until that. I'm done with this roller coaster."
After that he wouldn't answer the phone and left a note outside the locked bedroom door telling me to leave him alone he was sleeping. I knocked to get my stuff and he finally answered with a gun in his hand. Yes, a gun. Didn't say a word to me but looked at me, holding the gun like a cop, then closed the door and went back to bed. This is the second gun incident.
Now I'm the one who can't sleep.
Yes, I know - get out and get out fast while I still can.
What a sick human being. I wish he could seem himself. I know I haven't been easy to deal with and I have lost myself in this mess, but I don't deserve this drama in my life. I hate myself right now and have for a long time. I hate this.