Need to Leave but Afraid to do it ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2005
Need to Leave but Afraid to do it ...
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 1:02am

Hi Everyone,

I have seen similar messages to what mine will be like when I'm done writing. It's very sad that there are so many of us living in this hell - and we all feel so very alone. We don't deserve this and we need to find a way to either get through it with our sanity intact or get out with our dignity.

My story - I have been married to my husband a little over a year and together more than two years. We were married after 11 months. My first marriage, his second. As someone else wrote the drinking began after his first marriage and seemed to have gotten worse. He drinks a minimum of a gallon and a half of bourbon a week. He only really drinks at home. He'll occasionally drink when he's out, but never makes it appear that he has a problem ... so no one ever believes me when I say he does.

I realize now that he had a problem all along, I just didn't see it. I have been through two suicide attempts, two other major meltdowns, a stint in the hospital after one of the attempts, and many, many mean emails/text messages/or comments after nights of drinking about how he's done/doesn't love me/or hates his life. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore b/c I don't recognize what I see and I hate myself for that.

Tonight I worked late and he emailed me asking me to buy him bourbon on the way home from work. I said, "it's not my policy to do that," and tried saying it funny but I don't think it went over. He told me he would appreciate it if I would and that it was best if he didn't drive. I wasn't able to get back to him quickly enough when I receive a "FORGET IT!!! Don't worry about it. I don't owe anyone and no one owes me. I AM ME!!!" I wrote back how I loved him for being him, but that I wasn't comfortable buying it for him. Then I wrote, "I am done being bullied." and he wrote, "A big f!@# you to you. I loved u until that. I'm done with this roller coaster."

After that he wouldn't answer the phone and left a note outside the locked bedroom door telling me to leave him alone he was sleeping. I knocked to get my stuff and he finally answered with a gun in his hand. Yes, a gun. Didn't say a word to me but looked at me, holding the gun like a cop, then closed the door and went back to bed. This is the second gun incident.

Now I'm the one who can't sleep.
Yes, I know - get out and get out fast while I still can.

What a sick human being. I wish he could seem himself. I know I haven't been easy to deal with and I have lost myself in this mess, but I don't deserve this drama in my life. I hate myself right now and have for a long time. I hate this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 5:51am

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. He is drinking because he wants or needs to drink (physically needs, or is self medicating). The gun thing scares me to death. Get out. Go to a domestic violence shelter, go to a friend's, but above all,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 9:40am

Hi Maxie,

Please hear what Beth said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2002
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 11:32am

As verbally abusive as my former bf was, I thanked God he didn't have access to a firearm because I can only imagine what could've happened and reading your post I realize that could've been my scenario. I know for a fact had I not gotten out of that relationship, the verbal abuse would've escallated to physical because he began poking me with his finger hard on my chest bone, shoving me, not hard but hard enough to get the message. Oh, and told me repeatedly he didn't love me anymore. You know what, there is no possible way that someone who loves you would do this to you.

The hardest thing for me to do was to kick my bf out, even though it was my home, he turned it into a prison. You don't have to live like this, I'm living proof that there is life after an alcoholic. My former bf died from his addiction just 9 months after we split. To be honest, I think that was one of the biggest reasons I stayed with him so long is because I was afraid he'd die without me, but the truth was, he would've died no matter what.

I know this is hard and I know you love him, but take a step back and look at how dangerous this situation is. If he gets blindly drunk and decides to fire that gun, do you want to be anywhere near when he does this? I would suggest calling the local women's shelter and get as much info as you can. No, it's not easy to leave, I know that first hand, but trust me, you need run for your life and not look back. I had no idea how much domestic abuse I put up with in that relationship until I was out of it. Please take care of you and stop thinking of his feelings first. He doesn't have any, and coupled with a loaded gun is deadly. Take care and God bless.



"OMG, I got engaged, the world will never be the same!...."


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 6:06pm
PLEASE - get OUT of this situation and away from this man as soon as you can!!!! He is unstable, and very, very sick!!!
Please, please let us know how you are doing.