Recovery Journal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Recovery Journal
12
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 2:02pm

Today I decided to stay home from work. I am not feeling that well and I am very tired. I feel guilty for staying home, but I need to get myself better.

Drinking definately makes me tired! Last night I had 4 mixed drinks and a big glass of wine. Usually that is not a lot of alcohol and I should be able to wake up feeling decent. I think the drinking just compounds and the effects get more severe each time. I don't think I am getting good sleep at night. I sleep but feel soooo tired and I think I have heard that when you drink, you never really enter the deep sleep stage. Drinking that amount last night, I didn't really feel drunk. Just kinda fuzzy and tired.

My last week of drinking. Well before last Thursday I had 10 sober days. It was a bitt frustrating cuz it took quite awhile to feel "good". So then hubby left Thursday to work out of town so I drank too much wine. I don't even remember how much really but I will definately drunk. So then Friday and Saturday night I had some wine. Like 6 glasses Friday and then I thnk it was only 4 on Saturday night. Sunday was an okay day and I just had a beer. Monday night I kinda over did it with at least 6 mixed drinks. Then we are back to last night....the 4 mixed drinks and one glass of wine.

So I will see how I feel tonight. Hopefully this will be day one. If I start having some crappy symptoms or can't sleep then I will try to cut it in half....maybe 2 mixed drinks and a small glass of wine.

Isn't it just horrible to have to plan all of this. Geesh! I really can't understand why I drink.

Tonight daughter has basketball practice, and then we will spend some time packing. That will be about it. Probably to bed early again. I don't work tomorrow so I will have another day to get feeling better.

That should do it for now! ~Tracy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2007
In reply to: momofaka
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 3:56pm

I am new here. I am also trying to take things day by day. Some days that is difficult, others not so much. Today is a good day, yesterday was not. I was still sober yesterday, just miserable and mad. But at least I can remember how I felt and what was going on around me and the only reason anyone didn't want to be around me was because I was in a bad mood. Today I am looking forward to going home, seeing my kids and being able to kiss my husband without worrying about hiding the fact that I have been drinking. I am not a moderate drinker. I have lost control of my drinking, my life, and affected the people I love most around me. I had always said, just one, nobody will know. It will just relax me a little. Then one isn't enough and neither is two, and then it is a whole pint.

I am sure this is all very random, and maybe you understand some of it. I cannot even say I have been sober for ten straight days. I had to start over again and again. I have been putting a question mark in the corner of each new day on my calendar. This is a questions to myself of wether or not I can make it through today. When I succeed I turn the question mark into a heart, because I loved myself that day. I am not looking for perfection, but a positive start and as many hearts as I can get.I can't say I won't drink tomorrow, but I won't today!

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: momofaka
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 5:29pm

It's very nice to meet you Shizzy! I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I too struggle every single day, and really all you can do is take it one day at a time. I like your idea of keeping track on the calendar. I too get frustrated when I have a bad sober day. That is still better than a drunk day. I go in spurts with my drinking. I will get my 10 days behind me and will be feeling great. So great that I trick myself and tell myself that I can safely drink again. I know I am kidding myself, but I always think maybe I will change. This time will be different.

There is a moderator who posts here. Her name is Lucky. She has been successful with her moderation, but is one of the few. I really can't moderate on a regular basis cuz the evil voices tell me it's okay to have another etc.

Right now I am trying to focus on packing. We are moving for my hubby's new business and in the process of closing on our new house. It's also very hard for me to get to sleep at night though without him here. I can be a big baby sometimes. I know it's just an excuse to drink but it does relax me and most nights I haven't gotten drunk. When I'm alone there isn't anyone to tell me not to drink. I have even waited until the kids go to bed so they don't know if I drink. My oldest is real nosy and will "tell" on me. I know pretty pitiful.

Well welcome to the board. I think you will enjoy the company around here. I have been here off and on and they are always supportive of me. Just keep posting!!! ~Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: momofaka
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 9:05am

Last night I ended up having 3 small mixed drinks. So really a moderation night for me. This morning I feel kinda shaky and blah. Still tired, but I think I will just take a nap this afternoon since I don't work today. I have lots of cleaning and packing today so hopefully I can get some energy. I might do some quick exercising to boost my energy. I just don't enjoy feeling this way at all.

Tonight my goal is to not drink at all. Wish me luck! I think I need a nice sober night.

I have been trying to drink lots of water....even when drinking. Not sure if it has helped really, but it can't hurt.

Well here's off to starting a sober day! Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2007
In reply to: momofaka
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 10:51am

Good luck to you today!! I made it through yesterday, even though DH drove me crazy. I feel like I should have a tracking device on me so he knows where I am at all times! I am working on today.

The one thing I don't like about being sober is that I feel so scatter-brained. My mind goes a mile a minute and I feel so ADD! I am reminding myself it is better than being intoxicated and not doing anything. It was all I could do to not stop and get a bottle this morning, but I did resist the temptation. I wish I could just have one, but I know that wouldn't be the case.

I am sorry you feel so lonely. It must be hard to be apart from your husband.Try to take at least a half hour to yourself. Make it a ritual, or a big deal for you. Something you can look forward to. Make a cup of tea or coffee, relax what ever that may be to you. It helps. I try to do at least once a day, and find myslef looking forward to whatever time I set aside for me. I hope that makes sense!

Shannon

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: momofaka
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 9:55pm

Thanks for replying Shannon! It's nice to chat with someone in the same boat.

Well I have not posted for a few days because I have been extremely busy....happy....and sober! Thurday was the day I was determined to be sober. It wasn't a great day. I was feeling okay. As the day went on I started feeling "decent". Well, hubby surprised us and came home Thursday night (instead of Friday). I still think it is a great coincidence that I felt good by that evening....not a usual occurance on a first sober day. So we had a very nice weekend with him home. Unfortunately I had to work Friday night, and then both sAturday and Sunday during the day.

So my weekend was filled with cleaning, packing, and working. Last night hubby even made dinner since he knew I had worked really hard this weekend and I was tired. But he was off again this morning. I had today off so I packed and cleaned some more. I have had a very frustrating afternoon and evening with the kids.....I'm starting to feel like a broken record. But like you mentioned..... I am planning on taking a nice, quiet bath here in a little bit.

So how have you done the past few days? How was your weekend? I understand the scatter-brain feeling. When I am sober I am jumping out of bed because i have things to do.....but I also do the same, I jump from one thing to the next. Even with this packing....I can't stick to one room. I get bored, or frustrated, so today I was in the basement, on the back porch, and in the girls rooms, oh, and the bathroom also. But I too agree that it is better than doing nothing and being in bed ill!

Hopefully this week we will close on our new house. Our mortgage girl quit on Friday, so now someone else has to handle it. We would like to get this done soon since I am off this weekend and we need to do a walk through the house and make our plans. Supposedly everything is ready to go, we just need them to finalize it.

Let me know how you are doing Shannon! Take care, Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2007
In reply to: momofaka
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 12:54pm

Well, I was doing great. And promptly messed it all up yesterday. I can tell that I have been sober for a while because, man, where a small amount of alcohol wouldn't bother me before, it hit me like a ton of bricks now. I am so diappointed in myself. I hate having to start over again at the beginning. So, day 1 AGAIN. Ugh!! I don't even have a good reason why! My DH has been driving me crazy, even calling when I am 5 minutes later than usual, which bothers me, but I can deal with it. I was even in a good mood yesterday. What is wrong with me?!? It's almost like I am a little kid and have to shove as much in my mouth as possible before I get caught. What a loser! I hope that some day I can get past everything and put all the mistakes behind me without feeling like I always have something hanging over my head. I am so sick of starting over, but only have myself to blame.

I have my first appointment tonight with a counselor for an outpatient program. I am hoping this helps and works.I can't say that I am excited,but looking forward to some tools that will help me get rid of this curse.

I am glad to hear you are doing well. And if no one has told you today, I am proud of you! Good job! We had a nice weekend as well. Weather here was gorgeous. It must be so exciting to start fresh in a new home. Sometimes I wish I could just pick up, move and begin again!

Well, here's to day one. Keep up the good work!!

Shannon

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: momofaka
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 7:29pm

Hi Shannon,

Yesterday must have been our day to mess up! I too drank, but didn't completely over-do it since I had to work today. I had 5 drinks, but like you- I think it hit me harder than usual, and I also forgot to take any pain reliever before going to bed. regardless, I survived work. My excuse is that hubby is not home. Lame excuse but I like to give myself a reason!

Tonight I plan on having some wine....just to combat my symptoms.....I have horrible stomach issues when I drink. So tomorrow will be my day one. The dreaded day ONE! Actually it has it's good and bad. It is usually the longest, and hardest day, but really I count the hours, and when it has reached 24 hours, it is like I can breath again and I feel proud.

I can relate to your feeling like a kid and shoving as much candy in your mouth as fast as you can. With hubby not at home it's like that at times.

Let me know how your appt with the counselor went tonight!

Thank you for the pride in myself! Wish I could have stuck it out. But I am cheering you on also! How come your hubby is being a bit over-bearing? Does he think you are stopping off and drinking? I think you should let him know that this is what could cause a relapse (not an excuse, but reducing stress would be helpful). I think Leslie has mentioned the movie, When a Man Loves a Woman on this site before, and really that is a good movie for both parties involved in alcoholic situations. I actually get surprised watching that movie, and thinking- oh, so that is how hubby feels.

I really hope you stayed busy tonight and away from drinking. Tonight will be an early to bed night for me. For me- tomorrow will be day one- wish me luck! I guess I am questioning myself at this moment......and maybe a ? for the others here......I don't know if I will ever get this down! I have a lot of practice. Will I ever actually quit for good????

Have a great night! Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2007
In reply to: momofaka
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 11:55am

I think the worst thing about messing up is the way I feel the next day. I always feel that I am forgetting something or that I have missed something. I am pretty sure that is the case anyway! Even when I am sane and on top of things, I feel like I am missing something. It literally takes a good 5 days for me to feel as if I am normal again.

Maybe we can do this together? Almost like a daily "diet" support. I love to hear from you and your progress!! I am not sure if it is appropriate, but I could give you my personal e-mail and cell phone, just in case. I often feel as if I need to connect with someone immediately and then defeated if I can't.

The counselor was good. Basically it was just a consulation. Next week we will go over a treatment plan. Going over past history, family life, both past and present and "triggers" I told her of my frustration with my DH, and she asked if I was having an affair?!? I asked her why she would even ask that and she said that based on his treatment with me and the questions that he was asking would almost seem like an affair.I am sure that my DH feels that it is, but with an affair with alcohol. I understand his point and the questions that he may have. It is certainly all my fault. When I got home from the counselor, he grilled me again. On the web-site for the program they list a three times a week program. However, they recommended a once a week personal counsleing program for me. He could not let that go!!! I did not request nor deny their recommendation. But still, he was not happy with the outcome. UGH!! I cannot do anything right sometimes, even when I am trying to do something positive. So, needless to say I was in a bad mood. I keep telling myself I would rather be miserable and sober than drunk and happy. At least then I know what is going on...

Again, ramblings!! Thanks for your response!! I wish you all the best! Please let me know how you are doing!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: momofaka
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 7:14pm

Hi Shannon,

Today has been a long day for me. Last night I did a bit of a boo-boo. I had a couple drinks and went to bed at 8 pm. I was really asleep cuz I really didn't even think about the choice that i made. I went to lay in bed because i was tired, and my back hurt. I Have chronic back issues, and with the packing and moving boxes I have had increased pain. So I took a pain pill. It is really a pretty mild pill but stronger than tylenol. It didn't hit me to not take it after a few drinks until this wave of exhaustion came over me. Hubby tried calling again later, after 8 pm to talk to me, and my oldest daughter said I rolled over and didn't want to wake up. So hubby called as I was getting to work this morning to mention that he had called. So I'm sure he was thinking I had drank too much and passed out. This morning I was shaky and nauseated, and checked my blood sugar at work- but that was after drinking milk and cappucinno. It was fine at 112, and I felt a bit better later. Just a long day. And I work in a lab drawing blood and today it seemed like no one had an active vein. Very frustrating at times! But just a slow day in general. I'm glad to have tomorrow off. That is my plan for my day one. It worked for me last week!!! Tonight just some wine, and I'm going to take the kids to a pizza buffet place, and then probably another early night to bed.....but not 8 pm!

Hope the counseling will work out for you in the long run. sorry hubby is being so pushy. Hopefully in time he will settle down and not be so over-bearing!!!

How was your day today? Good I hope. Here it is gloomy and rainy. I think tomorrow will be nicer.

My regular email address is momofaka@mchsi.com so you can email me there. I don't think there is anything against me posting it here. It is available on the internet anyways I am sure. I do think we deserve one another's encouragement, support and friendship. We have a lot in common with this disease we struggle with. One of these days I will "get it"! This week, my goal is to build on last weeks sobriety. Friday we are supposed to close on the house and that will be another encouraging fresh start for me.

Have a great night, I need to leave to pick up oldest daughter from basketball, then it's time for pizza. Take Care, Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: momofaka
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 7:31pm

Well I am a few hours away from completing my day one! I know it is kinda pathetic, but I do count the hours! I honestly don't remember what time I had my last drink last night, but I know it was between 9 and 10 pm. What keeps me going in the right direction is the fact that I have tomorrow to look forward to. I may not feel that great today, but I know it will get better.

Today I did a lot of resting. That seems to have helped. Hopefully I will sleep well tonight. I plan on just watching a few of my favorite shows and relaxing. Wish me luck!

~Tracy

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