Good Girl, Big Mistake
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| Sun, 11-20-2005 - 8:51am |
My 16yo DD is a good girl. Decent grades, but could do better. Hangs with a nice group. Never in any trouble. On Friday she went on a school trip for the weekend. Friday evening, we got a phone call from a store security department that she and her friend were picked up for shoplifting. I am horrified and embarrassed!!!! We had to pick her up from the trip that night (a 2-hour drive each way). Monday morning we have to meet with the principal to determine how many days she will be suspended.
I know that this was just bad *teenage* judgement. DH and I have been discussing what kind of punishment there should be in addition to the suspension and we really don't know what to do. She is very upset and remorseful. She was in a cell at the store until one of the chaperones picked her up. She was embarrassed that the kids at the school saw her leave with her parents. Everyone at school will know and she will


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Of course even good kids make mistakes! That's how they learn life experiences. I'm willing to bet your DD will never do anything like this again.
As far as a punishment from you and DH, I wouldn't punish her. I would take her to a session with a therapist to find out if this is the result of some pressure in her life, and it may continue, or if she was just responding to a dare from her friend. Either way, the therapist could help her decide how to make good choices in the future when confronted with the urge to shoplift.
She will suffer enough -- suspension, people staring and whispering at school, and believe me, they will. But, that's a good lesson in itself. If you don't want to be the topic of gossip, don't do anything that makes you the topic.
As far as the club goes, there are plenty of other clubs she can get involved in. Her college apps will only reflect that she changed her direction of interest, not that she got kicked out of this club. My son is in the middle of college apps, and some of them do ask if you've ever been suspended or expelled. If she applies to a school that asks that, it may be a good essay topic to write about. She could write from her heart about the embarrassment, the guilt and how she dealt with it, and rose above this situation.
Lots of Hugs to you!
Laura
Laura,
Thanks for your kind words. I think you are right. She is kind of in 'mourning' right now and hasn't even asked to be with friends this weekend. In our house, if you don't go to school, you don't have any afterschool or evening activities, so that will be the case during her suspension. Other than that, she probably won't be grounded - you're right, what she has to deal with in school will be tough.
As far as seeing a therapist goes, I don't think it's necessary. I have a pretty good idea why she did it. First, there were 3 girls all together, having
I'm sorry you DD is learning the hard way that doing something illegal has consquences. However, I'm concerned about your feelings of guilt. You didn't do anything wrong, your DD did and yes it hurts but she has to accept the consequences.
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Learning to handle money is an important step in growing up and IMHO you should continue down the path you are on with the money. If not having money to buy everything she wants is her reason for stealing then you do need the counsellor. We too have money but my kids earned what they needed for the extras we didn't agree to, they didn't steal them. Sorry, I don't mean to be tough but while I really feel for your DD, I'm concerned that your attitude can lead to a form of blackmail on her part. You need to give me money so I don't steal.
Dee
"Lately she has required a TON of money and I have certainly let her know it. I gave her a hassle when she needed a coat that I thought cost too much, there were several big, high school related expenses lately, and I am always asking her for change, etc."
Boy, this is such a grey area. Like Dee says, you don't want her to use this as a form of blackmail; however, I do agree with you that you are stressing her out too much about money. As far as high school related expenses, I feel you should give her the money with a smile and absolutely no negative comment. The coat that you thought cost too much, well, you were probably right. But maybe instead of giving her a hassle in the future, you could say, gee, this doesn't fit into the budget. Let's brainstorm some ideas for you to earn some money to pay 1/2 the difference of what I would pay for a coat. I'll pay the other half because it is such a great coat.
I try to keep money matters as lighthearted as I can when discussing them with the kids. Well, one kid now. :-) I never give them a hard time about stuff they need, but I do try to work with them when I feel what they want is too expensive and they could choose another option.
When my DD was in high school, I gave her a monthly allowance for clothes, makeup, extras. I told her I would buy a school wardrobe in the summer, and a couple of items for Hanukkah that she wanted (the weather here is pretty consistent all year). She had to budget the allowance for those "absolutely cool jeans I have to have!" or "Mom, we went to Clinique and the lady did my makeup and I had to buy two of the eyeshadows." Of course there were times when she had spent the monthly allowance and still wanted to go shopping with her friends. I would just shrug and say, well, I guess you'll just be wish-list shopping today.
Laura
This was HER mistake, not yours!!!
It seems to be natural for us moms to find a way to take the blame or at least spread it out....be careful
Shoplifting is rarely related to a need for the item-or so I have read. That's why the big stars with all teh bucks still do it
My son took his older brother's ID for an unkown purpose(he was 20 so not alcohol-cigarettes or getting INTO a bar?)He got stopped for speeding and handed the officer the 'borrowed' ID instead of his own license
To his credit, while the officer was checking, he called him back and admitted his 'error' but he ended up in court over this
It was frightening to see my 'little boy'(hes 17 but yow know what I mean)up there in front of the judge while DH and I had to sit wayyyy back in the regulat seats
But it was HIS mess. He is under court supervision and doing community service. It will eventually be removed from his record
It must have made an impression because today he was complaining about how drivers pass him when hes driving the speed limit-anything he does in the next 18 months reopens the former case and ups the ante so he seems to 'get it'
Dont make it too easy for her-she screwed up bigtime
A wise friend once told me "There are no mistakes - only lessons and a lesson will be repeated until it's learned." While I don't take that to heart literally, I do believe that if more of us viewed our mistakes as "lessons", we'd make fewer.
I would simply tell your dd that the humiliation and the school suspension are enough punishment for this one and that you are there to support her and help her rise above this, but at the same time let her know that any repitition (of this offense or anything of the same calibar) would result in punishment from home.
Good kids aren't kids who never make mistakes. Good kids are kids who learn to do the right thing from their experiences.
Good luck,
JT
IMHO the best thing you can do for your daughter is to not let her make excuses about this (or make excuses for her). She knows what she did is wrong - and it should be clear from you that it won't happen again. But don't make up reasons why she might have done it or was tempted or whatever - and don't buy it from her - there's always "reasons", always peer pressure, always temptation - being an adult means resisting the wrong thing anyway.
I don't mean this as harsh as it sounds in writing - obviously everyone makes mistakes and I wouldn't obsess over this one (not a HUGE mistake) - give your DD a hug and let her ride out the consequences. My main point is that teaching your DD how to be an adult should be your focus, not on how to punish her more or spare her from punishment.
Sue
Thanks to everyone for their kind words and opinions. It was a long weekend for DH and I, but after weighing all the possibilites here
hi karen. i just wanted to put in my two cents. i hope this is not going to sound too harsh, but i feel that you are looking at this the wrong way (or, let's say, that there are other - healthier - ways to look at this). first of all - I am sorry for what happened. i am sure it is a terrible shock, and from what you are describing your dd is basically a good kid. i really don't know what i would be feeling if it was my son in your dd's shoes.
but.
there are a few things you said that i think need to be reconsidered.
first - you seem to be almost taking the blame for this yourself, in other words - you are *almost* justifying what your dd did. now - i can understand that stress placed on your dd - who is a teen - can bring her to doing things that she shouldn't be doing. but you - her parent - should NOT be using this as an 'excuse'. STEALING IS WRONG. it doesn't matter what CAUSED it - ITS WRONG. you - the parent - should not feel that you should be 'laying off' her in terms of money. you are right - it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to teach her about being more responsible about money. so now its like you are almost going to 'reward' her for stealing. its like you are saying - well my dd was placed under this unwarrented stress re money, and it was too much for her, so i will lay off her. again - i understand why you think this way - we all want our kids to be happy - but i don't think you are doing the right thing.
second - what your dd did was a crime. and i'm sorry if there are rumors about her in school etc but heck - SHE is the one who COMMITTED this crime. and now you are saying that the embarrasment is punishment enuf so you will send her to the ball game etc, to help her get over this. again, i understand your actions, but i think that if you let her go to the game etc as if nothing happened, you are sending the message that what she did wasn't so bad. so she will jut do this, or other things, again and again.
I am truly sorry for this - and i am sorry if i am harsh, but i think that you need to take another look at what she did and how you are reacting to this. if you don't want to send her to therapy (which is not a bad idea at all, its not a punishment, but it is something that might help), then i would suggest that you and your DH speak to someone about how to deal with her.
hugs....
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