dd asked to see a counselor - advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
dd asked to see a counselor - advice?
8
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:28am

Dd, 14, has been struggling with increasingly low self-esteem for the last year or so. I am baffled as to why - she does well in school, she is musically talented, she has a handful of wonderful, close friends and a very wide circle of acquaintences, she is pretty and she is VERY funny. She gets a ton of positive reinforcement from teachers and her parents, yet she says she feels like failure. She loves her school, a challenging college-prep private school, yet she said to me recently "I see myself with all these smart girls and I feel so small."

She has always - and I mean ALWAYS - had issues with lying. She lied about having a Latin test on Friday and we ran into her teacher in a restaurant that night and he mentioned it. Later, when we were alone, I brought up the fact that she'd lied and asked for an explaination. She said she forgot. (Knowing the teacher as I do, I find this implausible to say the least but you cannot prove whether someone did or did not forget, so I let it go). I then told her that - clearly - if she could not remember something like that, she was too distracted with IMing and she would have to give that up on school nights.

When she was in 7th grade, she had a HUGE problem with lying to us about tests, hiding them if she didn't do as well as she'd hoped. When asked why, she'd say "because you'll freak out." We don't "freak out", I probably have raised my voice a handful of times IN HER LIFE. Still, I really worked on keeping a neutral response no matter how she did. Things were better in eighth grade and now she's back to lying again. I asked her what she thought my response might have been had she simply told me. She started sobbing and said "I know you don't freak out, but you'll sigh or you'll look away - I can't explain it." Ok. Now I know I can't control this. And I also know something is wrong.

We continued talking and she said that she feels she cannot control her lying. She said - "more than you'll ever know - I want to stop and I've tried." This broke my heart. She said she knows she can't do it alone and wants to see a counselor. I told her, I would call someone on Monday. She specifcally asked for a woman, which makes sense.

Now here's the part where I am unsure as to how to proceed. I called my family DR and he recommended a group in town. This is a VERY small town and these people rented office space from me not too long ago. They are nice, but - how can I say this? They are complete FRUITCAKES!!!! I'm sorry, maybe they are completely professional in dealing with teen girls, but with landlords ... they are downright scary.

I looked in the phone book and found another group nearby - went on their website and read the creditials. They are all women and specialize in teens. It sounds good, but how do you know? Is it possible to "interview" a counselor?

Can you tell this is fairly new to me? I know I've been in denial about the self-esteem thing. I just kept thinking she would look at her report card, look in the mirror, listen to the zillions of compliments from her teachers (they ALL love her) and see what others see. I guess it's not that simple.

Sorry this is so long. Advice?

JT (baffled, but listening)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 11:21am

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your DD. She sounds like a wonderful young lady and the fact she is struggling with her self image IS puzzling. It seems to me that being a teen in this day and age is incredibly stressful -- far more so than I remember my own teen years ever being. There IS a huge push on our kids to perform, excel and succeed and it no doubt adds to the stress of just being a teenager -- all the issues with fitting in, being popular, cool -- all that stuff. I have often wondered what the long-term affects will be when our kids finally reach their adult years.

If your DD wants to talk to a counselor, good for her. There may be other issues at hand that she hasn't quite identified and is uncomfortable talking to mom about them to sort it all out.

We have a very limited experience with counselors but if you have first-hand experience with the 'recommended' ones and are uncomfortable taking your DD to them, definitely look elsewhere. I would imagine you could do a sort of interview with them beforehand and ask them about their experience and maybe recommendations? It seems logical to me, but like I said, my experience is quite limited. I also think it is common for people to try out different counselors until they find one that they are comfortable with. I do remember reading other posts about teen counselors so maybe someone else will have a better recommendation.

Good luck to you and your DD; I hope it all goes well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 1:19pm
Since your in such a small town, and the available therapists might be limited, I would just check to make sure this other group is properly licensed and let her try one of the counselors. When you call, let them know her age and what the main issue (self-esteem) seems to be, and they will likely assign her to the proper person. People change therapists all the time, so tell your DD if she doesn't feel comfortable, or feels like she can't talk to this person, then you can switch and it's no problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 2:33pm

JT,
This is not the first time I've heard of a classic over achiever like your dd having problems with self-esteem. In fact, many times the over achieving is a direct result of having the low self-esteem. Some of these girls suffer with anorexia and bulimia as well (hopefully you've seen no signs of this!). Eventually they realize that no amount of praise from others or achievements are going to relieve their own feelings about themselves. It has to come from within. It may take a few counselors till you find the right fit. One thing I would advise is to make it clear to dd that whatever she says in there will be kept confidential. It took our third counselor before dd found someone she liked. The fact that she wants help will make all of this so much easier. I know you'll blame yourself, we moms always do, but none of it is your fault. She is her own person. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 2:47pm
Thank you for your amazing insights. I never thought of looking at her over-achieving nature as being her way of trying to prove herself to herself. Dh and I often point out that she does not have to accept every challenge that comes her way and she usually says something like "Well, I only do the things I really like" or "I like to be busy". I guess I always thought that these were things that brought her a sense of accomplishment. You've really made me think. Thanks.
JT
ps. I've explained to her about the confidentiality thing with the couselor and I think she understands that. I've also told her she HAS to tell her the truth. This will be no small thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:58pm

*Hugs for your DD*

It's pretty impressive she wants to see a counselor. Good sign, I'm sure you know. I wonder she feels like other people are counting on her, teachers and such, to be perfect, and be a great student, and she can't live up to their expectations, but i think that her low self esteem seems to be more internal than external.

I wonder about the lying thing. It seems like shes using your response as an excuse not to tell you guys. Shes putting the pressure on herself, but she doesn't want to admit it, and if she doesn't tell anyone she got a bad grade, it's as if it didn't happen. Just ignore and it'll go away, but if she tells her parents, it will be real, and she'll have to face it. But feelings like that aren't as acceptable, and she can assure herself it's not really HER problem if she blames not telling you on your reaction. But I'm just guessing there.

I'm sure she REALLY beats herself up over lying about her tests. She said she's tried to stop, and i bet she has. It probably really bothers her she has no control over it. That's the scariest part, not having control. She sounds like a perfectionist, and control is a big part of that too. I can see feeling like a failure for not being able to stop doing things like that.

Theres proabably millions of similar situations that take a toll on her every day.

hmm, okay, all the thoughts i have for now

good luck!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 10:09am

Payasa,
Why don't you think about moving to Ohio. I think my dd would like you. You are right on target about her perception that she has to be "perfect". She has told me that several times and, each time, I launched into the idiot-grownup reply in which I cite all the reasons why that isn't true. Dragonfly's reply to my op where she pointed out that all the external praise in the world won't change anything hit me like a ton of bricks. I now understand that I cannot logic her out of this but I CAN be there to support her all the way.

We have a journal that where we write back and forth to each other ... it's mainly for her to write things to me that she might be afraid to say. Sunday I wrote this long-winded thing about how special she is. While I know she does like to hear that from me, I realized (thank you dragonfly) how lame it must have sounded to her and how it might even cause her MORE frustration in the long run. I talked to her last night and apologized for my misguided attempts to convince her to see herself as I see her. I also now understand that she needs to talk to a counselor because she is afraid that she will hurt me or somehow dissapoint me with some of the things that are on her mind.

You're right about the lying with the tests. Unfortunately she has developed a pattern of lying that is causing her some problems with her friendships. She has a handful of good friends who love her for who she is and accept her embellishing and drama. Newer friends are baffled and annoyed by it and, more than once, a good friend has had enough and walked away for good. She told me she believes herself sometimes and I believe her. She often doesn't remember what she's said and she gets caught. A lot. None of (or I should say hardly any) her lying is malicious ... it's usually weird things like "who said what to who".

Thank you, again, for coming to this board with your insights. More than once, I've been brought back to reality through your posts from a teen's perspective.
jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 1:16pm

hugs to you and your dd. its wonderful that she wants therapy - hopefully this means that she understands that she had a problem, and not that this is another sign of manipulation (often goes hand-in-hand with lying).


at that age, its not uncommon for kids to have low self esteem anyway. it could be something stupid - like *everyone* having a bf/date except her, or girls doing mean things, etc.


as for finding a therapist - i think its perfectly normal to 'interview' a therapist - you want to find out what their experience is, what their successes are, how they work, etc. of course, the most important thing is that your DD will feel comfortable with them. she is the one who will have to work with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 2:09am

I'm sorry your daughter is feeling so low now.