Controlling BF-WWYD??

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Controlling BF-WWYD??
15
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 3:34pm

I need advice on this because I thought I was handling things well, but now I'm doubting that.

My NOW 18dd's 20 y/o BF was always a little insecure and would make a comment about other boys that dd was friends with in school (He is no longer in school and works FT) or try to monopolize dd's 'off' time, you know, when she was out of school or not working. We imposed rules about her not being allowed to be with him a few days a week due to work and HW constraints - he didn't take it well, but dd welcomed the opportunity to use our rules as an excuse to get some time alone or away from BF. Don't get me wrong, she's happy for the most part with this BF, they've been together a year and she obviously likes having him as her BF. He's nice enough and for the most part he is respectful towards H and me. They mainly hang out at our house when they are together. I know they are sexually active, but to be honest, I can't figure out when they can actually 'do it' because they are almost never alone.

Anyway, the BF has gotten to be a little overbearing of late. He seems more possessive than ever of dd. We are in the midst of planning a family vacation (a cruise) and dd's BF is giving her grief for inviting her GF and not him. We specifically told dd that no teens are bringing thier SO's (we are planning this with other families), so she could bring a friend, but not BF. She explained this to him and I overheard them talking in the kitchen about it and he was giving her every reason known to mankind why this wasn't fair, she should stay home, she could stay with his family while we were gone or he could stay at our house with her while we're gone, he should be allowed to go, he doesn't like the idea of her on a cruise ship without him, etc, etc. I mean, it took all my energy to remain in my seat and not go blast him. I kept my tongue because thus far dd has been pretty good about putting him in his place and standing up for herself. But later that night she came to me and asked if he could go. I asked her if she wanted him to go and she almost started crying and said no. So....taking deep breaths here...last night we were talking about the trip and it turns out none of her Gfriends can go with us, so dd doesn't want to go alone so she asked if she could stay home. I couldn't hold my tongue any longer and said something about the BF, in a very calm and nice way, and she got really really angry with me, grit her teeth and told me she would not discuss him with me and then she started crying that I didn't think she could handle being home alone and that I was forcing her to go on a trip without a friend and it would suck for her. We're talking about a week long cruise...endless fun, right?

Realistically, she is fully capable and mature enough to leave home for a week alone at home and in charge of the dogs, BUT now I don't like the idea of BF being around while we're gone and I think she's starting to weaken her resolve and I'm so afraid that thier little playing house will lead to dd giving up her dream of college and cowtowing to this little A$$hole.

So, what would YOU do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 3:53pm

I'm sure the more experienced parents (older teens) on this board will have more to offer, but I'll toss in my 2cents from the perspective of one who was under the influence of a controlling bf many moons ago.

It sounds like you are doing a farily good job of staying out if it - keep up the good work. My dad was fairly outspoken about my bf and I learned (the hard way) that he was right. Still, I know I could have gone to my parents more easily with the problems I was having had they backed off a little. I ended up moving out of state (I was 20) to get away from him. My parents thought (and they thought this for the rest of their lives - I never told them) that I moved because I wanted an adventure. At the end of our relationship, he threatened to kill me and them. To this day, I am astonished at my own stupidity in not going to my parents and the police. By the grace of God, it all turned out ok.

My point is, abusers don't start out as abusers. It starts out as control and it grows slowly. If he "wins" this one, most likely he'll move on to bigger issues of control.

I would simply tell her that you want her to be part of the family vacation even though you know she is mature and trustworthy enough to stay at home. When she told you she didn't want him to go, I really believe she was sending you a message. I don't know your dd, but I DO know what it's like to have a control freak trying to run your life.

Will there be cousins or other teens her age on the trip? Good luck to you.

jt (happily married to a non-controlling guy)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 4:15pm

Well ... I've read about the danger signs in relationships and this sounds something I've read about. I don't have any experience like jt does, however, and think it's really something to think about. I also think it's pretty nervy of the BF to insist he go along with her!

I don't think I'd be comfortable leaving her home with the BF as company. If she really didn't want him to go on the cruise with her, she probably really doesn't want to stay home alone with him either.

I think I'd push for her to go with you and DH without the BF. There will most likely be lots of other teens on the ship and she'll probably hook up with a bunch and have a blast. Maybe you can point out to her you'd really like her to go as a family, she'll be off to college soon, last hurrah, and you'd really like to spend that time with just her, etc.

Avatar for suzyk2118
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Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 4:17pm

I can relate to your dd to some extent - I had a bf-turned-fiance when I was 18-20 that only wanted me to do things with him him him. I went to a different local university than he did, but we were both living at our respective homes. I had other male friends that I wanted to do stuff with in college, not as dates, but just as friends, mostly in coed nondating groups, so sometimes bf just wasn't invited. That ended up breaking up our relationship/engagement because we just couldn't get through this. I felt too controlled. But to this day, I know he was a great guy, just terribly possessive, and he couldn't work through that I'd have other male friends that honestly were no threat to him. I have some regrets that we didn't work it out, just weren't mature enough to come to terms with it, but I did make the right choice at the time. FWIW. (And no, my parents wouldn't have dreamed of letting him go with us if we'd gone on a cruise, OR letting me stay home while they'd have been gone when I was 18!)

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 5:53pm
Make her go with you. Tell her you and DH will be broken-hearted if your WHOLE family isn't on this cruise. There will be PLENTY of things for her to do. Our family has been on several cruises and my kids were never bored--and DD was 17 (just graduated from high school) and 20 on the last two. I wouldn't give this jerk the time of day, personally, much less pay for his 1/2 of a cabin. I think he was way out of line by insisting he come on the cruise. And I would be angry while on the cruise knowing that he was staying at my house the entire week. I really would not be able to relax. She'll meet lots of other 18 yr olds on the cruise, and if it's in international waters, she can go to the casino! I don't know, you probably caught me in a grouchy mood, because I can't see any way in the world I would let this guy come on the cruise, or stay with my DD for a week while the rest of the family was enjoying themselves. I would feel like she stayed home just to make him happy and that would irritate me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 2:26am

I've seen this one from both sides of the fence, and it's not fun at all from either side.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 9:00am
Exactly = That's exactly how I feel. Thanks.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 9:42am

Well, thanks to you all for your words of wisdom and for sharing your personal experiences.

The trip is on hold for the moment, as our friend who is organizing it all is tying up some loose ends. He's told me that he's reserving a ticket for dd regardless - we can always cancel if we really want to.

I think explaining to dd that this will likely be our last 'family vaca' for a while (college costs, sister's upcoming college costs, etc) and that we really expect her to join us. I know she's giong to go back into her panic mode, but I will hopefully just be able to talk her through it.

Today, I am going to the travel agent and picking up a brochure for the boat we're going on....I will try to entice her with that...lol.

In the meantime, I've got my eye on the BF. Rose, you pointed those things out to me very nicely and I realize those are the exact things he's thinking. Did you ever meet a couple and you think they are kind of mismatched? Well, that's how most people see my dd and this BF. She has goals and dreams, he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. He went to a year of tech school and is working as a mechanic, which is fine, but he complains that he doesn't know what he wants to do and complains about dd going away to college next year. He doesn't want her to go and he's not shy about saying so. they different in so many ways. I guess she (and he) need to work through this and figure out where they stand and what works for them. I can't be the enforcer, because I don't think any good will come from it. My other dd(16) told me that she heard him arguing with her about going to her dad's for Thanksgiving without him....Jeez! It's just ridiculous. I deliberatly asked him last night what he was doing for the holiday and he got all weird and said his family was having thier dinner on Friday instead....wha??

Anyway, thanks everyone. I love this place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 9:42pm

Did I ever look at a couple and think they were mismatched?

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 3:54am

You are in a tough situation where you need to be careful about how you react to bf. My DD had a similar relationship at 17 and it drove me crazy but I let her know that I wasn't happy with the controlling bf. We had many fights where I was always wrong & she was right! I finally smartened up and quit with the negative comments, let her know I was there if she needed me and talked her into taking an opportunity that came up for her to be in Miami for 6 wks during the winter (it's awful cold up here in Canada) without bf. It worked like a charm & she never caught on to my plan to split them up. Years later she admitted that she was frightened of bf, that my complaints made her stay with him and that she was very thankful I sent her away.

I won't let bf come on the trip but I would insist that DD go. I would tell her that you know she is responsible and trust her to stay alone but I would explain that her growning up means she will be leaving home sooner than later and these times mean so much to you. I would stress that she can just relax in the sun if she doesn't want to join in and then I would make sure you spend some 1:1 time doing things with her. Take care, Dee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 1:43pm

I am sorry for what you are going thru. I was in two controlling marriages - and only at age 45 did i begin to understand why i did what i did and i learnt how to *fix* my life. When i was 19 I met my first husband - i was madly 'in love' because i believed that HE loved ME. that's what i needed at that time - because i had very low self esteem. anyway, i equated his 'control' with 'love'. i thought (believed) that the fact that he didn't want me to talk with other guys, meant that he really cared about ME. i thought that the fact that he commented about my clothing, and what was 'proper' clothing/makeup (not that i wore things that were revealing or provocative anyway) meant that he cared. I thought the fact that he came to 'visit' me at work, meant that he cared about my job and wanted to share. it didn't - it all meant that he did not trust me, he thought i was *his* property, and it was his "job" to MAKE me do what he wanted.


I don't know what to tell you. if you push too much - you are pushing her right into his arms. if you don't get involved - you may be putting her at risk. i think you need to just let her know that you love her and no matter what happens you are there for her. let her know that if she needs help and feels that she can't talk to you, then she can talk to ______

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