14 yr old dd..shoplifted ..what to do :(
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14 yr old dd..shoplifted ..what to do :(
| Sun, 11-27-2005 - 4:24pm |
I am very upset and don't know how to handle this..my dd age 14 was shopping w/a girlfriend at the local mall and shoplifted out of two stores and go caught on the second store..she was luckey that the first store did not want to prosecute, they just wanted the items back..if they prosecuted, it would have been a misdemenor because it was over $150.00...3 braclets @60.00 each..and the other store was $97.00 that's where she got caught...they are prosecuting but it is a not traffic citation which means court costs and fines...no record, no judge...she swears she never did this before, she has never really given us anything to worry about in the past...very outgoing, social butterfly, she said her and her friend wanted to get really nice gifts for christmas and they made the wrong choice to go ahead with it and now i don't know how to have her pay the consequences...we took her phone, computer and no shopping w/friends, only parents...it's hard because you have to worry about how teen think , i'm afraid she will act out ..and well, i don't know..you have to worry about depression and such...she told us everything but what i don't like is that she doesn't talk to us openly about alot of things, she keeps things inside instead of talking..that is part of our descusion on how we are dealing with this....anyone gone through this or have any suggestions..thanx.

One comment that often springs up here is to be sure you dont punish to the point theres nothing left for them to care about. Its easy to do that when we are upset and disappointed in our kids
It doesnt sound like youve done that unless youve thrown grounding into the mix which would be overkill IMHO
Personally, I would ground a bit and leave one mode of communication with friends open, be it IM on teh computer or the phone. Take away the other technology and stick with staying away from malls with friends for awhile. But grousing to friends about how awful her parents are might not be all bad-I am much happier with my spouse after a good anti-male talk with friends ;)
There was just another thread on this-search a bit-its not been long
I agree that your punishment is appropriate. I do know what you mean about worrying about depression, and how a teen can take things. It's especially hard when your teen isn't very forthcoming. I can relate, because my dd is the same way. She tells me stuff, but not the "serious, heavy" stuff or God forbid anything about boys. Its hard reading about moms who have these great relationships with their dd's where they know every little thing that is going on in their lives, and every boy that they have a crush on. I envy them...just know there is someone else around who doesn't hear about those things, either.
As for the shoplifting, it would seem to be important for your dd to realize that she did a bad thing and she is NOT a bad person. That forgiveness is possible. That you do not think of her as "different" now. She may feel she has let you down. That is a good thing. But as long she knows you still love her it should be okay. Good luck.
My dd's tell me about some of thier friends that they know steal - thankfully, my dd's don't. But from the way they tell it, it's almost like a little weird fad or something, especially among the girls. And it's not like these girls come from needy families. I have my own theories on it.
If my dd were caught stealing, no matter how large or small an item, I would make sure she is educated on how her stealing affects others, both the store and the consumer. Prices are raised on products to make up for the losses of millions of dollars worth of merchandise. Stealing is dishonest and underhanded. If you want something, you save your money until you can buy the honest way. Period.
Taking away her cell phone or the computer isn't going to teach her anything about stealing, IMO. What's the relationship between her cell/computer and her crime? Nothing.
I think her having to shop only with an adult supervising is good, for say 6 months or so, till you can trust her again. I think that you should sit with her and re-teach her about the difference between good and bad, about why it's wrong to steal, lie, cheat, etc. And emphasize that she's lost your trust - this is very big. I know you've likely already done this, but you know, I'd give a nice long lecture.
I'd also make her lose any allowance so she can pay towards any fees that are incurred. And, I'd make her save up the equivalent of the cost of those items she stole and then donate them to a charity for children. She needs to feel the pinch, that "things" aren't what's really important. Giving a friend a nice gift is something that comes from the heart, not necessarily an expensive bracelet, you know what I mean?
Hi. I just had this happen with my 16yo DD and her two friends! In fact, your daughter sounds much like mine!
Unfortunately, the repercussions of shoplifting were compounded by the fact that it occured while on a weekend school trip. So, not only did we have to deal with the store, our own punishments, dealing with her, but also a 3-day school suspension. However, we too were lucky that the store did not press charges.
We grounded her for the length of time she was suspended, including weekends which came to 9 days. She was allowed to use the computer and phone during this time and we allowed her boyfriend to visit on Thanksgiving. We discussed the situation at length and are comfortable that this was an isolated incident that won't be repeated. She
Hugs to you. Youngest DD shoplifted a few times when she was around 10 - on an outing with church no less. The chaperone caught her that time and I caught her one other time. Both times I made her return the items and then I made her do extra chores around the house to "pay" for the items. We figured how many hours it would take her to buy the item at minimum wage and she had to work that many hours. Of course, she wasn't really paid. It was done this way to explain to her the value of money and work. She also was praised when she completed the job successfully because I too was worried about her self-esteem. The work didn't count if she complained. We usually worked along beside her as a bonding time. We've used this method for other things too always coming up with an amount of time that fit the crime - so many chores for the number of times she lied about something, a hour for every hour out past curfew, etc. It made it easier for her to accept her punishment if she sees how it relates to her crime. I get some work done around the house. We spend time together. She learns how to work - she can wash windows and polish silver beautifully. Sometimes, the punishment is in the form of community service like raking leaves for an elderly neighbor. Once she washed and ironed the alcolyte robes at church for punishment. The preacher thanked her from the pulpit. I thought her daddy was going to bust a gut laughing - she was being thanked for being punished. However, she was proud of doing the job well. She no longer lies to us, hasn't missed curfew in I don't know when and is learning to control her attitude.
Just another alternative to think about.
The manual I try to use is one line from a T-shirt:
"Please be patient, God isn't done with me yet."
Didn't quite have that patience over this past weekend but God's not done with me yet either!
Here are some articles you may find helpful...
One is called "Caught! An in-depth look into the world of shoplifting and its consequences," and you can find it at http://voice.paly.net/view_story.php?id=1225.
Another article is called "Abundance of shoplifting negatively affects economy." You can read the article at http://voice.paly.net/view_story.php?id=1087.
Good luck.