14 yr old dd..shoplifted ..what to do :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
14 yr old dd..shoplifted ..what to do :(
9
Sun, 11-27-2005 - 4:24pm
I am very upset and don't know how to handle this..my dd age 14 was shopping w/a girlfriend at the local mall and shoplifted out of two stores and go caught on the second store..she was luckey that the first store did not want to prosecute, they just wanted the items back..if they prosecuted, it would have been a misdemenor because it was over $150.00...3 braclets @60.00 each..and the other store was $97.00 that's where she got caught...they are prosecuting but it is a not traffic citation which means court costs and fines...no record, no judge...she swears she never did this before, she has never really given us anything to worry about in the past...very outgoing, social butterfly, she said her and her friend wanted to get really nice gifts for christmas and they made the wrong choice to go ahead with it and now i don't know how to have her pay the consequences...we took her phone, computer and no shopping w/friends, only parents...it's hard because you have to worry about how teen think , i'm afraid she will act out ..and well, i don't know..you have to worry about depression and such...she told us everything but what i don't like is that she doesn't talk to us openly about alot of things, she keeps things inside instead of talking..that is part of our descusion on how we are dealing with this....anyone gone through this or have any suggestions..thanx.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-27-2005 - 4:59pm

One comment that often springs up here is to be sure you dont punish to the point theres nothing left for them to care about. Its easy to do that when we are upset and disappointed in our kids

It doesnt sound like youve done that unless youve thrown grounding into the mix which would be overkill IMHO

Personally, I would ground a bit and leave one mode of communication with friends open, be it IM on teh computer or the phone. Take away the other technology and stick with staying away from malls with friends for awhile. But grousing to friends about how awful her parents are might not be all bad-I am much happier with my spouse after a good anti-male talk with friends ;)

There was just another thread on this-search a bit-its not been long

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 12:21am

I agree that your punishment is appropriate. I do know what you mean about worrying about depression, and how a teen can take things. It's especially hard when your teen isn't very forthcoming. I can relate, because my dd is the same way. She tells me stuff, but not the "serious, heavy" stuff or God forbid anything about boys. Its hard reading about moms who have these great relationships with their dd's where they know every little thing that is going on in their lives, and every boy that they have a crush on. I envy them...just know there is someone else around who doesn't hear about those things, either.

As for the shoplifting, it would seem to be important for your dd to realize that she did a bad thing and she is NOT a bad person. That forgiveness is possible. That you do not think of her as "different" now. She may feel she has let you down. That is a good thing. But as long she knows you still love her it should be okay. Good luck.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 9:44am

My dd's tell me about some of thier friends that they know steal - thankfully, my dd's don't. But from the way they tell it, it's almost like a little weird fad or something, especially among the girls. And it's not like these girls come from needy families. I have my own theories on it.

If my dd were caught stealing, no matter how large or small an item, I would make sure she is educated on how her stealing affects others, both the store and the consumer. Prices are raised on products to make up for the losses of millions of dollars worth of merchandise. Stealing is dishonest and underhanded. If you want something, you save your money until you can buy the honest way. Period.

Taking away her cell phone or the computer isn't going to teach her anything about stealing, IMO. What's the relationship between her cell/computer and her crime? Nothing.

I think her having to shop only with an adult supervising is good, for say 6 months or so, till you can trust her again. I think that you should sit with her and re-teach her about the difference between good and bad, about why it's wrong to steal, lie, cheat, etc. And emphasize that she's lost your trust - this is very big. I know you've likely already done this, but you know, I'd give a nice long lecture.

I'd also make her lose any allowance so she can pay towards any fees that are incurred. And, I'd make her save up the equivalent of the cost of those items she stole and then donate them to a charity for children. She needs to feel the pinch, that "things" aren't what's really important. Giving a friend a nice gift is something that comes from the heart, not necessarily an expensive bracelet, you know what I mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 10:23am

Hi. I just had this happen with my 16yo DD and her two friends! In fact, your daughter sounds much like mine!


Unfortunately, the repercussions of shoplifting were compounded by the fact that it occured while on a weekend school trip. So, not only did we have to deal with the store, our own punishments, dealing with her, but also a 3-day school suspension. However, we too were lucky that the store did not press charges.


We grounded her for the length of time she was suspended, including weekends which came to 9 days. She was allowed to use the computer and phone during this time and we allowed her boyfriend to visit on Thanksgiving. We discussed the situation at length and are comfortable that this was an isolated incident that won't be repeated. She

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 11:02am

Hugs to you. Youngest DD shoplifted a few times when she was around 10 - on an outing with church no less. The chaperone caught her that time and I caught her one other time. Both times I made her return the items and then I made her do extra chores around the house to "pay" for the items. We figured how many hours it would take her to buy the item at minimum wage and she had to work that many hours. Of course, she wasn't really paid. It was done this way to explain to her the value of money and work. She also was praised when she completed the job successfully because I too was worried about her self-esteem. The work didn't count if she complained. We usually worked along beside her as a bonding time. We've used this method for other things too always coming up with an amount of time that fit the crime - so many chores for the number of times she lied about something, a hour for every hour out past curfew, etc. It made it easier for her to accept her punishment if she sees how it relates to her crime. I get some work done around the house. We spend time together. She learns how to work - she can wash windows and polish silver beautifully. Sometimes, the punishment is in the form of community service like raking leaves for an elderly neighbor. Once she washed and ironed the alcolyte robes at church for punishment. The preacher thanked her from the pulpit. I thought her daddy was going to bust a gut laughing - she was being thanked for being punished. However, she was proud of doing the job well. She no longer lies to us, hasn't missed curfew in I don't know when and is learning to control her attitude.

Just another alternative to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 12:53pm
Wow, i guess i am not alone...although someone indicated that the cell and comp did not have anything to do w/the crime but we did ground her from them..they are important to her and she needed to feel some loss of a material thing...we also made her write out in a letter to us how she felt, why she did it and what she thought we should do...she was not open on that letter but only indicated that she does not make a hobby of this, only did it because she wanted "nice" gifts for us and that after the first store , felt it was too easy and tried it in the other where she got caught..she did say that she felt bad after taking it and thought about taking the stuff back but then went onto the next store...she realized what she did was wrong and promises not to ever think that way again...we kinda fell off the sunday church schedule so now, we are back on, she went to church w/me the next day and seemed very figidy...on the way home, well we did stop at a store to pick up a few things, she was by my side the whole time...i discussed again the impact that her decision made on certain people and the stores...i told her she was grounded for 1 week from comp and phone and no shopping w/friends for a long time..only w/us supervising, i also told her that she must be open w/me and discuss things with me more..she said , you know me, i hold things inside, it's easier...i told her nope, won't work, she needed to be open with me about anything especially if something is bothering her...she said she'd try...also i stressed that this if fixable, BUT she must earn our trust back ... she needs to realize that what she did was a poor choice and that the mistake she made needed to be part of a lesson learned..and that before she chooses to do or say anything in the future, she must FIRST think through the results of her actions and if they are not desireable , then she needs to rethink her actions...hopefully , we got through to her...my brother happens to be an attorney and i did take him w/me to pick her up cuz my husband was not home, he met us there and i just could not drive, my gut was in a knot..so they asked him who he was and because they may have asked him to leave, he indicated he was her counsel and it was not until that point that she started to cry...i asked her why was it that she wasn't crying before and she said she did not realize that it was so serious until she heard her uncle say she was there as her lawyer...i understand that the fines and costs may be close to $600.00...she will be cleaning my house for a long time to come...she actually cleaned all weekend and the house has never looked so good.....i asked my son age 16 to help her realize what she did was the wrong path to choose and he failed me............he was mad at her and called her a theif....i was upset w/her but he said if she feels like people think of her that way cuz of what she did she won't do it again...God Knows,...thank you all for your support, and these kids did not come w/manuals...anyone have an extra manual? lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:10pm

The manual I try to use is one line from a T-shirt:

"Please be patient, God isn't done with me yet."

Didn't quite have that patience over this past weekend but God's not done with me yet either!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 2:47am

Here are some articles you may find helpful...

One is called "Caught! An in-depth look into the world of shoplifting and its consequences," and you can find it at http://voice.paly.net/view_story.php?id=1225.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 2:48am

Another article is called "Abundance of shoplifting negatively affects economy." You can read the article at http://voice.paly.net/view_story.php?id=1087.

Good luck.