18 year old dating 30 year old

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
18 year old dating 30 year old
7
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 4:59am
My 18 year old (freshman in college) has decided that she's in love with a 30 year old recently divorced man with 2 young boys. We've known this person for about 3 years beginning with him being her coach in a sport she dearly loves and is pursuing in college as well as just being a friend to her and I. She's mature for her age and has always made good choices but she's inexperienced with boyfriends. She only has had 2 and that was in Intermediate school. I had an uneasy feeling about the relationship a year and a half ago and had a talk with both of them. She said they were just close friends and I told him their relationship had become too close, was inappropriate and to back off. He said he would out of respect for my wishes and claimed to not realize that she was seeing him as more than a friend. Needless to say, she graduated from High School and decided that she was old enough to make her own decisions so they crossed the line and became boyfriend and girlfriend. After hiding it from me for 6 months my older daughter did some snooping and we confronted her with it. She denied it at first then admitted their love for each other. We're crushed and have no idea what to do.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 11:50am

Hi, I'm sorry I don't have any BTDT advice for you, but my heart goes out to you. You must feel so scared and worried about your dd. This is not a relationship based on an even playing field. Despite your dd's age, she is not a fully grown and experienced adult like her BF. He is a full grown man in love (I think it's more infatuation) with a student. Makes me kind of wonder why he's sniffing around a barely out of HS teenager at the age of 30. Especially when he has two young boys of his own - he could likely meet other women his age through his kids' playmates at school or on the field. Do his colleagues know about this relationship? Perhaps there is a 3rd party you could have intervene on your dd's behalf? Like a family clergy or close friend of the family, one of his colleagues, one of her friends?

Incidentally, who is paying for her education? Who's insurance coverage is she under? Who pays her bills?

You must be delicate in your approach because you don't want your dd to shut you out completely - it will only make her run to him even more..."you don't understand"...etc. In the meantime, perhaps it would help you to speak with someone about your feelings, to help you sort them out and find a way of being in your dd's life despite her choices.

hugs~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 12:12pm

I'm sorry you're going through this. But just let me play Devil's Advocate for a minute. I do have a story to tell you. My younger sister was 18 when she met a 33-year-old man that she began dating. Of course, my sister was still at home and my dad was in a tizzy over it. My mother, as she has always been, was pretty much accepting of the whole thing. There was not a whole lot she could do about it. My sister wound up moving in with this man, and they lived together for four years, after which they married. About four years later they had a son, my nephew, now 7. Unfortunately, as happens in 1/2 of all marriages, they did divorce. However, can you imagine what it would have been like for all of us if we had NOT accepted him? What happens when a child comes along? If I were you, I would keep the lines of communication open. You do say your dd is mature for her age...perhaps she appreciates a man who already knows what he wants, is "settled". So many at her age are only interested in a good time. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.

Avatar for scoutnut
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 2:07pm

Dating an older man is one thing.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 4:14pm

What CAN you do? Really?

She is 18 and away at college; they apparently snuck around behind your back when she was living under your nose. Obviously, this is a done deal

You can't control her; you can trust you have raised her well and that will serve her well. You can express concern but anything more than that will encourage nothing but defensiveness on her part

I havent been in THIS situation but had issues with my oldest's GF and am coming to terms with it. Its much better this way-my relationship with him is far more important than my approval rating of his choice of mate.

Why risk losing your dd over this?

Moan, vent, cry, and pound your pillow but remember this may very well be your future SIL and step grandchildren. Theyve stuck together a long time in a variety of circumstances-that speaks to something

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 10:49pm

I know how hard this must be for you but my suggestion is to wait it out. Since she is 18 there's not much that you can do. You didn't mention if she is living in a dorm or with other students, at home, or with the 30yo bf. If you are paying for her college expenses you could cut her off financially but that may not be in her or your best interest.

If you can accept her choice then she may be willing to be open and honest with you. Hopefully she will tell you what she sees in him, the basis of their relationship, how she sees him and the relationship fitting into her future plans. Then you will have the opportunity during conversations to express your concerns and fears and she may hear them without becoming defensive. You will be able to plant some seeds (of concern or doubt or reality) in her mind and they can germinate until she is ready to deal with them. By openly disapproving you run the risk of driving her to him and creating a Romeo and Juliet scenario. Presumably he would be more mature than that but quite possibly not. Or she may surprise you and be very pragmatic, see this as someone that she loves at this point in her life but doesn't plan to be with him long term. We parents worry about older men taking advantage of our inexperienced younger daughters but sometimes the girls are looking at the advantages that they get-- mature guys with more refined tastes and the money to take them out to nice places. Kind of hard for 19yo starving students/goofy frat brothers to compete!

What does she think about it that he snuck around with her for 6 months, does she know if that is typical 30yo behavior and might it say anything else about him?; and that he evidently was still married while he was pursuing her (if that is the case). Try to be neutral so she can realize on her own that those are pretty slimy actions.

I have been through a few variations of this theme. My dd has had mostly much-older bf's. At 16 she met a 23yo that was willing to date her but I found out and warned him off. He stayed away but she continued to pursue him and when she was 18 they got together briefly. At 17 she dated a 21yo, at 18-19yo she dated a variety of guys between 24-26yo... Some of them have been emotionally immature but generally we ask ourselves what is the attraction besides sex? She talks about the antics of boys closer to her age and how stupid and immature many of those things are... I have to agree that it would be hard to put up with some of it.

When at 18 she started hanging with a 30yo we flipped and tried to prevent it. It caused a real breakdown in our relationship with her. She moved away for several months and we have slowly rebuilt the relationship. She is now almost-20yo, back living at home and has recently started dating a 30yo. At this point I try to find the positives--- she wants to behave more mature and "together" because of him, expand her interests and exposures and that is a good thing. I can see a lot of potential difficulties such as the difference in their life experiences; the difference in the ages of their friends and that those groups may not mesh and that his older friends may not accept her; that he is at an age where he might be ready to settle down and start a family whereas she still has a lot of things that she wants to do, etc. So I recognize that the relationship may run its course and die a natural death without me ever having to say a negative word. It is possible that she could decide to forget her big dreams and marry and have kids young, and I would have to accept that. Really my biggest worry is that her heart will get broken and there's nothing I can do about that except offer my shoulder.

We really cannot precict how relationships will turn out, maybe this man is "the one" for your dd or maybe this guy sees it as a passing fancy until he meets someone his own age. You certainly have the right to have an adult to adult talk with him about his intentions towards her, if he sees them making a life together, how his kids fit into the equation, whether he will encourage your dd to stay in college until she gets her degree, etc.

I hope that this works out well for your dd... I know how hard it is to watch them making choices that we think are bad, and not being able to do much about it. Letting go is tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 10:52pm
Well, I own her cell phone, car, pay her bills and have control of her college fund. If she's so independent and can make decisions on her own then maybe I should take all that away and let her be completely independent. If I can't follow through on that, and I know I probably couldn't, perhaps they would agree to step back to a friendship relationship until she gets a little older, 21 or out of college. This guy is so immature for his age. He's moody, silly, flirty and nothing like I would think she'd be interested in. But he has a way that just draws her to him and I don't think I'd want him for her if he was even her age.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 11:07pm
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I certainly don't want to lose her for any length of time. I've been a single mom of her and a 23 year old for 10 years and the three of us have been through a lot together and are very close. I guess that's one reason her actions have shocked us. They lied because she knew I wouldn't approve and she's so sure this is right for her and he thinks she's old enough to make her own decisions. We've talked to him and asked him to back off but he's in love and says they have a special connection that he's never felt before and wants her to be happy. I dated a guy 12 years younger than me that was very immature and reminds me so much of this one. I can't stand the thought of him as her boyfriend much less a future husband. I'm doing a lot of pillow pounding, crying, and not sleeping, but I know we're going to make it through this.