The ex is at it again!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
The ex is at it again!!
13
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 11:22am

I'm so angry I could spit! When DD was 15, she dated a very manipulative boy. She wanted to break up but he managed to convince her that if she broke up with him, his abusive dad would make him move out of his grandmother's house and back in with him. This is ridiculous since the grandmother has full custody but this kid is very good at manipulating things. Anyway, DD cheated on him and they broke up. For a full year after the break up, he stalked her. We couldn't get a restraining order b/c he attended the same school as her and the attorney thought that it would only cause more harm than good. Plus this boy manipulated his friends into doing alot of his dirty work for him so it was real hard to tie it directly back to him - stole her dog, tampered with her car, left class to stare in the class she was in, etc.

Anyway, he still manages to upset DD every three or four months. Earlier this fall, he got into a fight and was hurt pretty bad so he was put on homebound. Well he's back at school now and has another girlfriend. He told this girlfriend that she needed to know he was still in love with DD and that he will get back together with DD when she comes to her senses. He also told his g/f that the reason they broke up was b/c DD had sex with her best friend (another girl). This is now all over school. When he and DD first broke up, he started the rumor that she was pregnant and didn't know if he or her other b/f was the father. Then when no pregnancy began to show, he explained that she had an abortion. At first, I wanted to get this boy some serious counseling & he has received some court ordered therapy after he attacked his 80 y/o grandfather. Now I just really want to wave a magic wand and make him just disappear.

The good thing is that DD is now telling me about his lies instead of my hearing it from her best friend's mother. She is afraid of him and gets real moody when he starts his crap. This time she really acted like a teen with a bad attitude over Thanksgiving. We finally had a really nasty shouting match Saturday night. So much for my advice to others about walking away and not letting things get out of hand. I let this get way out of hand. It was probably one of the worse disagreements we've ever had. I should have known that the only time she gets this bad is when he's involved but it had been so long since he's done anything that I just didn't think about it. Last night after church, she asked if I would take her out to eat. I was thrilled she wanted to spend any time with me after the night before so we went. We ate and talked like normal - nothing unusual then on the way home she begins to tell me that the ex is back at school (I didn't even know he was gone) and that she really felt sorry for his new girlfriend because he was lying to her. She told me the whole story. I am real proud of her for because she didn't shed the first tear, she didn't raise her voice, she remained pretty calm. She wants to confront him - I reminded her of our past no contact rule with him but I also told her that she's old enough to handle this on her own but I would prefer she do it outside of school - on the phone. I didn't want a confrontation at school for several reasons - more gossip, she wouldn't be able to concentrate on her classes, etc. I'm not sure how she'll handle this but I'm having to trust that she is mature enough to handle it.

Keep us in your thoughts because things could get bumpy again!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 12:06pm

Oh my ... this kid sounds like he's got more than one screw loose! Your poor DD must be a wreck now that he's back at school. Sending positive thoughts your way ...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 12:39pm

DD is handling things better now that she's older and has had alot of distance from him, however, she still has nightmares that he kills her. Her best friend told me this because DD wouldn't.

The boy is definitely in need of some help and I worried about him for a long time but finally I realized that my worrying about him wasn't doing anyone any good. I spoke with the assistant principal, the school counselors, his grandmother and the DSC. I talked with him and suggested he get help (he threatend suicide when they broke up). The only time he's gotten counseling was when it was court-ordered.

Both his parents are drug addicts. WHen they divorced, his mother got custody of the boys and "sold" them for drug money. The grandmother got custody then. The mother tried to kidnap the youngest one but made it real clear she didn't want this one - he was too old. The father is still in the picture but he is very abusive and still drinks. In order to keep the kids from their mom, the grandparents moved here from another state but in order to keep medical insurance, the grandmother had to continue working in the original state so during the week the boys were being raised by their elderly and sick grandfather with a little "help" from the boys father.

His current girlfriend told dd's best friend that she wanted to break up with him but he wouldn't let her. She's scared. DD told me she wants to tell this girl to run as fast as she can from him but she doesn't really know her and she also realizes that this would only make the situation with the ex worse at this point. DD's best friend is going to have a talk with the girl this afternoon and tell her the truth about the b/f and insure her that all she has to do is tell the assistant principal about the situation. She's even going to offer to go with her. The assistant principal was so helpful with DD and he knows about this boy's problems and will do whatever it takes to insure her safety while at school. I told DD to wait and see if that helps any before she gets involved further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 3:01pm
Oh goodness, what a disturbed kid! But it seems to me that your DD and this new GF have every right to feel safe at school. Why can't the district permanently keep this kid out of this school? Lots of hugs to your DD, I feel so bad for her that she is afraid all the time and suffers from nightmares. Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 4:43pm

*Hugs for you and your dd*

You're in my prayers, and i hope you work things out with him.



Image hosting by Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 12:01am

Thanks for all your wonderful thoughts. When DD got in today, I asked her if she had a good day. She said it wasn't as bad as she expected it to be. Evidently he's spread so many rumors about her that only the underclassman that don't know any better are the only ones that pay attention to them. Unfortunately, her current b/f's little sister is one of them and she heard this and told her mom. I kept her current b/f's mom informed of the situation with the ex b/c I was a little concerned for his safety as well so fortunately she explained all this mess to her DD and maybe she will help dispel the rumors among the younger ones.

DD was all ready to face him down today at school (against my advice) but he wasn't there. He was in court over the fight that got him put in homebound. I don't know if he was being prosecuted or if he was the victim - I could see him being either one. He's over 18 now so he may get a taste of the real world that he has facing him if he doesn't get his act together real soon. Anyway, DD was a little disappointed b/c she had her courage up and knew what she was going to say and where she was going to be when she said it and who would be present. She even had folks lined up to be with her all day for security. I'm glad it didn't come to that and maybe this last incident will get him pulled from school for a while.

Anyway, thanks for the kind thoughts and just for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 11:26am
Whew ... (fingers crossed) it sounds like it's going to be okay. Maybe the judge will put him back into counseling. The poor boy sure needs it, after what he's been through!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 12:53pm

Good thoughts your way for you and your daughter.

I bought my son the book In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People by George K. Simon.

Also if you want a weird idea for the boy - write me at onetwinflame@hotmail.com


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 2:02pm
Sorry I didn't respond earlier - I'm still trying to catch up from last week.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 10:20am

Yes Pam we've been around a while. I don't think I would have made it through her sophomore year if it hadn't been for you and Rose and a few more around here. I was a total basket case.

I don't really know where things stand at this point. I pretty much have to wait on DD to volunteer things to me b/c if I ask here she thinks I'm making a big deal out of things and she doesn't want to worry me so she'll quit telling me anything. So I'm just waiting now. I figure if she hasn't said anything else by Fri, I'll ask her what's going on. She was a little distracted last night but then her knee was really bothering her so it could have just been that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 10:36am
I'm crossing all my appendages for your dd. It does sound like she is handling it very well - I just wish she didn't have to deal with it to begin with.
jt

Pages