Mom DragonFly
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| Tue, 11-29-2005 - 11:44am |
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Try not to feel bad about this! While I do know who her crush is and have actually SEEN him, I've felt for a while that I get an edited version about what is really going on in DD's life.
Lately, I'm getting less and less. Last night, for example, she came home an asked if we could return to our old church for the holiday season. ??? This girl has been resistant to going to ANY church at all for the past year. Any mention of visiting the old church to see how things are going was met with groans, major resistance and the attitude that she would just feel 'too awkward'. So why this, now? Hhhmmm ....
I asked her why, and stupid me because I can't keep my mouth shut, then said 'because the service starts later and the church is only five minutes away?', rather than wait and see what reason she could come up with, I gave her a perfectly good one! She mumbled something about 'yeah, that, and went there since she was little, memories of the services, etc., etc.' Sounds suspicious to me, but I can't think what could possibly be driving this sudden desire to return to that church? I'll have to indulge her, wait and see how long she spends primping before the service and see what happens. The primping thing will be a real clue if there is something else going on here!
The hard part is, I really like the church we've been attending, the pastor is absolutely amazing, and I was really looking forward to seeing what it's holiday services are like.
Oh yes, and it is very easy now to know when she is on im with her friends because I will hear the door to the den close very quietly and if I enter the room, she is quick to minimize the screen ...
Edited 11/29/2005 1:21 pm ET by julesnalpine

I have to echo Julie's sentiment. We ALL have ups and downs with our teens. Anyone claiming to have a perfect relationship with their teen is either: 1) Mildly delusional or 2) Just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
jt
(julie - I, too, have allowed my big mouth to ruin what might have otherwise been a revealing moment....)
Count me in with that also. I know I have an extraordinary relationship with my dd's, but I also realize that I often do get an edited version of what's going on in thier lives, especially when it comes to the BF's. I very often only find out what the drama is AFTER they've figured out how to handle it OR if they don't know what to do and none of thier friends have been much help! (I am sometimes a last resort, sad to say)
And, like any relationship, we have our ups and downs. We can be as close as bees in honey one day and as far apart as oil and water the next. There is no magic involved. I just try my best and most of the time if works, some of the time it doesn't. Don't beat yourself up momdragonfly - if you're doing your best, that's what counts.
I agree with the poster that said those moms that think their DD's tell them everything are mildly dillusional. Neither one of my DD's talked to me about personal stuff when they were teens. However, oldest now tells me more than I want to know sometimes but I am very thankful that she feels she can talk to me. Now she feels it's my responsibility to listen to her problems b/c she didn't ask to be born and I owe her this (I think she's being a little sarcastic when she says this). Youngest DD is starting to talk but only when it benefits her but it's a start.
I laughed to myself when I read about your DD wanting to attend the old church. My family didn't attend church when I was a kid so I didn't go either. I was in the 7th grade and had a crush on a guy. He mentioned church one day and practically dared me to come. I told him my family didn't go and I didn't have a way to get there. He pointed out that the church was a block from my house and I did have legs (I was flattered he knew I had legs). So I went to church and I very boldy sat with him and his family. I look back now and wonder what his mom thought. I had known this family my entire life so maybe they were curious or maybe not. He and I never were anything more than friends but I continued going to church and I am have thanked God many, many times for his dare that day. We've continued to be friends and see each other at piano recitals and ball games. He even visited me in the hospital when I had an infection in my heart. I guess I was a little loopy on the drugs and I told him the story (even about my crush on him). I thanked him for the change he started in my life. We had a good laugh and it's never been awkward between us. So who knows why but don't look this gift horse in the mouth - it could turn out to be a very good thing!
Thanks, Julie and everyone else. I stuck that into a post on a day that I was having a pitty party. I think I had read a post about a mom who was excited about Thanksgiving and cooking with her dd because it was something they did so well together. But when I thought about it, I never cooked with my mom. Let's face it, the women in my family have never been the Betty Crocker type - more like the Lucille Ball type! LOL. It was only as I got older that I became more "domesticated" and began to enjoy baking, etc. DD and I did have times when we'd bake together when she was little; those were the days when she used to say she wanted to be a mommy when she grew up. Those days are long gone, and of course I have to admit I miss them!
It's nice to know someone else agrees that moms who think they know everything their dd is up to are deluding themselves. I do believe its part of nature for daughters to separate from their mothers as they try to carve out their own unique identity. In doing that, they often go as far from the image of their mothers as they dare. Most of my friends with dd's will admit that they don't know everything their dd's are up to, even if they have "good" relationships. Dd and I still do have our moments when we get along great - but I also think having such a close best friend in H. interferes with some of the closeness we might otherwise have. I suppose before long, that close relationship will be substituted for one with a boy, so I shouldn't complain too much! I often wonder if the "girl rivalry" will come into play with her and H. over some boy. I've seen small signs of it already.
I've purchased a bus pass for dd, and told her that she needs to take the bus from now on at least in the am. I have to pick up ds after work only about 2 miles from her school, so its no big deal to pick her up in the pm's. However, I've gotten stuck taking dd and H. (yes, I know I could have said no) many mornings to school, making me late to work. My secret reason for dd taking the bus is that she has met many girls at school that are right in our neighborhood and take the same bus she will. So far, she has not even attempted to connect with them after school (even though a couple of them came by our house once and tried to connect). I am hoping to force her into spending more time with these girls, and less with H. I'm sorry if that sounds underhanded, but I don't know what else to do. H. is still making trouble for her parents and what I see at home leads me to believe that things are only going to get worse. The girl has "divided and conquered" her household. H.'s dad, a Christian, talks to me and tells me that he disagrees with some of the things H. does, the clothes she wears, etc. but that his wife keeps telling him to lay off. She is a mom who wants to be "cool" and let dd do whatever, then she complains when H. gets into trouble. The mom has some serious issues of her own, and I just don't know what to do for her....