HELP!!! How do I tell her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
HELP!!! How do I tell her?
11
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:44pm

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in here in a long time but I have some issues that I need some help resolving and I thought this would be the place to get great advice. WHEW!! Where do I start? I have a 19 yr old soon-to-be-step-daughter that is living with me and my other 3 kids. Her father, (my fiance), is in prison and will be home in February finally after 3 yrs. (The reason he is there is for another message board) I have always been more than fair with DD but in June she had her b/f stay over for a few nights....well that "few" nights has turned into days then months now. He doesn't have a job and he has only bought a few boxes of cereal since then for the house. DD is VERY intimidating to me for some reason so it's very difficult to talk to her without getting a defensive and sometimes harsh reply back. She was in a car accident in April and got a chunk of money from it which she has seemed to spend already. She hasn't got her license yet, failed the driving test 3 times, but she does have a job and is going to school 3 times a week. In the summer I had to borrow money from her to pay a few bills which totalled close to 1200.00. Not something that I am proud of but I didn't know where else to get the money. Needless to say that she was on the phone with her mom the other night and my daughter overheard her telling her mom that she is just waiting for me to pay her back the money I borrowed so she can buy a car. That had me steamed!! First off...the money I borrowed from her isn't nearly enough to buy a car with and secondly, I feel that she should be pitching in since she AND her b/f are staying here rent free! Am I wrong? Do I tell them that they need to pay a certain amount of rent each month and also help with the bills? I'm biting my tongue until I can figure this out but I'm about to explode. Please help me out here....any advice you may have is welcome.

Thanks for listening...

Jennifer

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 5:29pm
Your stepdaughter-to-be and her boyfriend are using you. They are both adults and should be contributing financially to the household. If they don't, out they go. One thing I don't understand is why you allow this young man to live in your home. He shouldn't be there. He isn't a family member. He's just a drain on the family resources.
You are giving the impression that you are easily intimidated and pretty easy to walk over. Is this true? If so, then you need to find your backbone, and quickly. There is no way you should allow a teenage girl and her stud to freeload and suck you dry. Just from the little bit of info you gave, I sense that there are some hazards looming on the horizon if you marry into this family. It may not be a good situation for your children. Please reconsider.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 5:32pm

I would first discuss this with her father and/or mother and get their feedback especially since you are not even yet the step-mom. If you can't talk with them, then yes it would be reasonable to expect them to pay some rent or maybe the cable or phone bill but they should be paying something.

You may want to post this on the Almost Independent Kids board. They are very used to dealing with this type of situation over there.

Good Luck!

Avatar for momtolizabeth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 5:45pm

Here's my take on the situation...


You are the head of household, so you make the rules at your house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 7:22pm
Becca - it's good to have you back.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 9:06am

I haven't read the other posts, but here's my 2 cents.

Tell her - very calmly - that you are going to start to charge her and her bf rent. Figure out the amount ahead of time and don't budge on it. Tell her you will begin by deducting from her rental obligation the amount that you owe her and you will expeet her to begin paying rent after a certain date (following the time that you are "even".)

Then she'll have a choice - pay you rent or move out.

Don't borrow money from her or do anything that puts you in her debt.

Best of luck to you

jt

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 9:50am

How about figuring out how much her cost has been and deducting it from the $1200. Since it wasn't an agreed upon arrangement prior to her lending you the money, she probably won't take that very well. However, at her age she shouldn't be living anywhere for free, and her BF shouldn't even be there period.

You have every right to expect them to chip in for all household costs, which include phone, gas, oil, cable, electric, and food. They should also be expected to pull thier weight in regular household chores including garbage take out, cleaning, laundry, etc.

You need to put your foot down and if they don't like it, they can leave.

Avatar for momtolizabeth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 7:15pm

can I respectfully disagree with you?

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 7:26pm

Hi Jennifer, I support all the advice that your SD needs to be contributing if she is working. I don't believe that kids can go to school and work to pay room & board too. The bf is a different story. He should be paying for his room & board if you are ok with him living there or out he goes.

Is her Father or Mother paying anything towards your SD's upkeep. If not, then I'm not sure why you are the one footing the bill for her. She isn't your responsibility even if you are engaged to her Father. Dee.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 9:16am

I didn't think that was harsh at all. I can see your point - However, just because the precendent was set in allowing the BF and SD to freeload all this time does not mean that the OP can't sit down with them and renegotiate the house rules and come up with some viable solutions that will help everyone feel like they are doing thier part.

For instance: 1) the OP can start paying back the $1200 in weekly increments, no matter the pinch it may cause - it is only a temporary expense and then the OP will be free and clear of 'owing' anything to the SD. 2) If the OP does not want the BF there, she should say so. Give him a reasonable amount of time to find a new place, say 2 months, OR if she doesn't mind him being there but feels taken advantage of, give him the option of paying room & board - come up with a figure BEFORE discussing so there isn't any squabbling.
3) As for the SD, you're correct, there are many 19 y/o's who live at home. However, based on what I read in the OP's post I got the impression that the 19 y/o is basically using her home as a flophouse, was disresepctful by talking about her with her BM and that's not appropriate. IMO, I would be either charging her a little rent each week and expecting her to split the chores or I'd suggest that she and the BF go find an apartment. That may sound cold, but the OP, to me, sounded a little more than stressed about the situation and was looking for some solutions.

Only YOU can only allow yourself to be taken advantage of. And until the OP sets down some fair guidelines, she will continue to be taken advantage. Just because it's been one way all along doesn't mean the the OP can't stand up and say, "Hey, wait a minute. You know, this arrangement isn't working for me - can we please sit down together and come up with another plan that works for all of us?"

Avatar for momtolizabeth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 12:10am

I totally agree with you that if the OP isn't happy with her house right now, she needs to change it.

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