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| Thu, 12-01-2005 - 10:41am |
My dd will 13 Sat and I also have a dd 11 yr old. Any advice on backtalking or just getting a little respect when trying to talk to them They are too old for spanking and I feel like all I do s yell & threaten all day. I am becoming this person I hate. My dd's are becoming complete smart***es!!! I know alot of it's hormones and age but enough is enough. My patience is less than zero so any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Stacey

That is such a difficult age - I feel for you having two of them in the early adolescent phase.
I try (am not always successful) not to allow the yelling and screaming. I usually know when I'm going to say something that will upset DD so before I do I tell her you probably aren't going to like this - please don't yell at me. If she raises her voice, I remind her. If it continues, I tell her we will discuss whatever later when she has calmed down. If she keeps on, I go to my room. The first few times you don't allow this - they look at you like you're an idiot but the catch on pretty quickly.
As I said it usually works but DD does know how to push my buttons and sometimes she gets the better of me.
hi - and welcome to teenhood! there are two steps in dealing with backtack and disrespect. and for the record - i don't agree with spanking at ANY age. Also, i know that its hard to hold back YOUR anger - but its REALLY important not to *lose it* - not to yell or threaten. all THAT does is teach your dds how NOT to behave.
so - step number one: when all is calm - sit down and talk with your kids about what is 'acceptable' and what is 'unacceptable' behavior. yelling, cursing, demanding, back talk - whatever - all these are not acceptable. talking calmly, listening, etc - these ARE acceptable. and you talk about what the consequences will be when the rules are broken (no computer time, no special dinners, etc). you give them the "this is life " talk: parents have to provide a roof over their heads, school, clothing, food. but there is no law that says that roof=own room with own computer/ipod/car/etc and no law that says that food=anything but the basics (bread, milk, beans, whatever), and no law that says you have to drive them places... you get the picture.
second step - when your kids are going thru a bout of backtalk - you simply WALK AWAY. you don't talk back, you don't yell, you don't threaten (i know its hard but its worth it). you don't even SAY to them "i am not going to listen to this"---- you just walk away. now - comes the fun part - the next time that they come to you and want something (dinner/a ride somewhere/computer) you say "sorry, i really don't feel like driving you/cooking/etc after the way you behaved" and again - leave it at that. don't get dragged into an argument. or you can say "i was so upset after the way you acted that ...." or you can say "i wasted my free time/energy on your misconduct and i don't have time to....".
its pretty simple but you need to be consistent.
Welcome to the board, Stacey. You'll find some great advise here; I know I have. The last two posters already gave you some good advise on how to handle the back talk and so I don't have much to add. In fact, I think I'll try their suggestions myself. Now that I think about it, whenever my DS talks back and I try to regain my authority by yelling, I don't get any results. In fact, it only leads to more arguments. The walking away and the silent treatment works well. I've unintentionally done that in the past and now that I think about it, it has worked, at least with my DD. As the others suggested, calm conversations that take place when tempers have cooled and that allow us to lay down the law are truely the most effective way to handle this situation.
I wish you luck as your venture into the next few years. They are not as horrible as many make them out to be. Yes, they can be challenging, but they can also be rewarding. You'll find that you will be surprised, at times, with your teen's level of maturity. Enjoy those moments. Enjoy the teen years; they can be fun for both of you.
Lastly, as a parent of one child who will soon be 21, trust me when I tell you that they do grow out of those crazy teen years. :) Your reward will hopefully be a mature, well-adjusted young adult.
Mily
I want to thank all of you for your advice and ideas. My 2 dd's & I have always been able to
settle most of the day to day stuff w/out much conflict. Until now that is anyway. Suddenly,
everything has changed. It's not just toward me but other people as well. In reference to spanking, at one time i felt just as strongly and still do but I will admit I have spanked the girl's a few times but I promise you it killed ma and barely phased them . My 11 yr old will ask for a spanking instead of restriction. Keaton & Anna both are very involved in social acrivities in school and our community so restriction affects other people that depend on them so it's hard to restrict certain things. I will definetly try the totally cutting off the conversation and just refusing to even discuss anything until we all calm down. Again, thanks alot!
Stacey