Serious problem at church
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| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 11:47am |
This is long so sorry on the front end. Yesterday I attended two meetings at church on the same subject. I am on the church council and I am also a parent so two different meetings. The problem is that we have a man who has been attending our church for almost two months now that has a sex offense on his record. The offense was in 1993 in another state and he was given 5 years probation. The actual offense was "lewd or indecent behavior with someone under 16" and we were told that it occurred while he was babysitting so I'm guessing it was probably with someone under 13 and that it was with a female. This is all we know of the actual incident. He moved to another state and registered there. Now is here in TN and he has not registered here. So far, while at our church, he has only been spotted in the youth area twice - both with pretty good reasons. He has never been in the childrens area or the preschool/nursery area. He usually comes in and goes straight to the sanctuary or the choir room. He is very musical and has been in our choir since the first day he visited. All the choir members are comfortable with him and our choir director has her daughter in the choir and isn't overly concerned.
Anyway, the pastor and the Methodist Conference and a lawyer have come up with a covenant that he and the church leaders will sign outlining certain terms of his attendance here. One he must obey all state and federal laws (i.e. get registered), two he is not to be in the designated nursery/preschool, childrens or youth areas and three he will have a designated escort with him at all times in the church. We will have to reassign a restroom as unisex b/c the men's room is in the youth area. He can't to the restroom alone, etc. He has been told of this covenant and he responded with he is hurt but he understands and accepts it. I have to wonder how he will actually respond to worshipping this way.
My personal response is obviously concern for the safety of our children and youth. We are going to have to reeducate them to go nowhere alone in our church - a place they should feel 100% safe. We really needed to do this anyway b/c of the neighborhood we are in so this is probably a positive. We did tell the youth last night so that they could be aware and also b/c they wanted to know why all the sudden meetings. They were very open and honest with their feelings about this. DD and I had a long talk on the way home. She expressed concerns for the smaller kids and for him as well. She pretty much sees both sides of the situation as I do. DH doesn't want him in the church at all.
I have an additional problem though, one I've had to face before and no doubt will face again but I always thought it would never enter into church. For me this is going to be a real test of my faith. I was sexually abused as a child by an older brother. I have managed to make peace with him. However, occassionally I will run into a person or a situation that slaps me in the face. A few years ago the company hired a new VP that so reminded me of my brother that I literally froze in a meeting. I thought I covered pretty well but a few of my co-workers noticed. I had to take the rest of the day off b/c I became physically ill. I dediced to force myself to get to know this man personally so that I could separate him from my brother and that worked. It took a while but it worked. now my problem is how will I be able to concentrate on the worship service and worship? My mind will constantly be floating to my past and to his past. Anger at him - knowing first hand what he put someone else through and what he's been through - will come into my mind at church, a place where I should feel peace. Church was where I ran to and hid when my parents were out of town and left me with my older brother - it was my sanctuary. I guess I'm going to have to trust in my faith and work very hard to accept this situation just as I've done in the past.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. DH is very upset by this so I couldn't ramble to him. I will later when he calms down. DD and my parents don't know about the problems with my brother so I can't go to them. The pastor and I may have to have a long talk though. Anyway, thanks!

I am so sorry you're going through this...I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. Also, an older brother? How terrible...and your own parents don't know? What a burden that must be on your heart. All I can say is that I will be praying for you, you're right, this is a test of your faith. Try to live in wwjd. I know personally I would feel threatened by this man's presence anywhere near my children. Don't know what I would do in reality. Its so easy to "say" forgive this man, give him a second chance, etc. but the reality tends to be quite different. For what its worth, it would be a test of my faith as well, and I haven't even been through what you have. Good luck, and I hope others have better advise for you.
No I haven't told my pastor about this simply b/c she wasn't a part of our church when I was really struggling with it in my early 20's. I did tell two of my former Sunday School teachers but they are both deceased now. I must say I dreamed about one of them last night - she was giving me a hug. No real words just a dream of her hugging me. I guess I needed a hug from a mother figure and I found one in my dreams (yeah, I'm gettin a little misty-eyed right now). I told one of my co-workers when I was in counseling in my early 20's b/c I wanted someone at work to know b/c I was so very emotional - I needed a partner, someone just to remember to say you look nice today or to ask about my kids - I needed an intentional friend. I've been bumping into her alot lately although we really haven't spoken in probably 15 years. I wouldn't feel comfortable with her at this point. I'm going to let my brain process this for a few days and see how I am toward the end of the week. I will probably give my pastor a call later this week. Right now I'm numb one minute, angry, sad, crying, perfectly okay - all over the place. I don't think I would hear anything she had to say so it would be a waste of time but after a few days I should be better.
And to top yesterday off, DH hit a deer and damaged the boat trailer. I had to leave one meeting at church and go take him a spare tire and a crowbar, go back to the second meeting, and then take the junior high on a visit to a neighboring church's nativity. We stopped for ice cream and the police showed up and arrested an employee while we were sitting there. Then when we get back to the church we had to talk to the youth about this situation. Then when I got home oldest DD was on the phone upset with her b/f b/c he isn't coming home with her for Christmas. Just a really poopy day yesterday. Youngest DD was good though - not one eye-roll or sarcastic word out of her mouth all day! I take my good stuff when I can get it!!!
Oh boy, I don't even know what to say other than that I'm sending you a big huge {{hug}} through the wire. I pray that you will find peace in your heart soon.
(And to think ... our church got itself all worked up over the purchase of mini-blinds for the fellowship hall ...)
My heart goes out to you. You're spirit is really shining through, despite everything (measuring a good day by the lack of eyerolls - even when it was, hands down, a pretty lousy day...)
Please, please, share this with your pastor. You've kept a lot it inside (and for good reason, by your explainations) but I sense that you find your church to be a safe haven and I think you will find a measure of peace in sharing this story with her.
jt
I met with my pastor yesterday. During the conversation, I basically outlined my situation for her. Told her how I handled reminders in the past and that was how I planned to handle this one. She told me that she has had one other person come to her and tell them that it would be difficult for them to worship b/c of a previous abuse. She stated that this person was not as "mature in her faith life" as I am and asked if I would be willing to talk with her. I responded that I would but only if the pastor felt that this person would keep my confidences. I have been the support system for a couple of my students in similar situations and I believe that it helped all involved.
During Wednesday night youth worship, we were in the sanctuary singing and have a wonderful time. One of the youth tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the door. I looked and there was this man simply poking his head in. He was at church for choir practice and the choir room is right outside the sanctuary. He wasn't being intrusive or stalking in nature - he was simply looking in to see what was going on. He has a musical background and is very educated in music so it would be natural that if he young people singing, guitar playing, etc, he would peek in. However, it concerned the youth that saw it. After we were finished with our worship, we went to the youth lounge and a couple of the youth mentioned this. I then explained that he is musical, as evidenced by his asking to participate in choir the very first day he visited our church. I told them that I felt that he was simply curious about the music that he heard in our sanctuary.
On my way out of the sanctuary to the youth lounge, I purposely went to him, extended my hand, said hello, asked him how he was, etc. I felt that this was critical for two reasons - one to alleviate the fear of the youth and two so that I can begin to separate him from my abuser. I tried to treat him as I would any other visitor/prospective new member to our church. It will be very difficult but I am strong in my faith and I know it can be done.
Thanks for listening to me as I know this problem isn't really a problem associated with my teen but having and working with the teens complicates it tremendously for me. Again, please continue to pray for all of us.