Conflict from "Snooping"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Conflict from "Snooping"
8
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 1:54pm

Like alot of you, I monitor my teen's email. Recently I found an email from H. (those of you who have been around know about the history), dd's best friend. Well, it was very disturbing and sad. She sent one email which said, "I've forwarded something I wrote." and sounded almost lighthearted in tone. The forwarded message was not! It talked about suicidal feelings, and how she still sits in the dark and cuts herself. I feel very bad for this girl, her family is basically in shambles, completely dysfunctional. I want of course to tell the parents but don't want to reveal how I know (I don't trust the mother). This is weighing heavy on my heart. Dh reminded me of how most teens flirt with suicidal ideology at one time or another, and most never do anything. But there is more to it. H. is cutting herself and no one knows? She is obviously crying out for help. In another email, she mentioned that she might have "accidentally" sent the message to her older brother, a soldier currently serving in Iraq! So it may be a moot issue, if he is able to tell his parents or her via email (he may have a few others things on his mind!). What a mess. What do I do? Ah, the perils of snooping....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 2:47pm

With all that you have posted about H, it sounds to me like she is just crying out for help! It's so sad! The way she talks, acts and dresses are all ways in which she can get attention, and if she really did 'accidentially' send that message to her brother in the military, she may be getting desperate.

Did you ever read about 'negative attention'? I think it's a term usually used with toddlers and/or young children, who will act up or behave in ways they know are inappropriate, get reprimanded, but the underlying reason for the behavior is that 'negative' attention is better than 'no' attention? Do you suppose that is the case here?

I think I would approach the school counselor and share what you know with him/her about her cutting and suicidal thoughts. The one encounter I had with DD's middle school counselor was pretty positive. They (the school counselors) seem to know ways to get through to the kids without letting on the source of their information.

If your DD ever says anything about it you can just say "H must have done or said something that brought this to their attention".

Good luck, this is a tough one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 3:03pm

Julie,
Thanks for the idea about letting the school counselor know. Do you think I should also tell the parents? The only reason I hesitate is b/c they are so dysfunctional, I'm not sure it would do any good! H. needs therapy, and badly. I know how expensive that can be, and they have limited resources. Still, there has to be something they can do for her. I am going to also ask my dd's therapist what she thinks I should do, if anything.
To further complicate matters, her father has emotional/mental issues of his own, and is considered disabled. I believe he is a recovering alcoholic, and a born again Christian. I am afraid telling him might send him over the edge; he is so worried about his dd! For instance, he recently became upset when he found out that his dd was in trouble for wearing a sexually explicit shirt to school. He was not even aware. He doesn't see her before she leaves for school, but more to the point, H.'s mother constantly tell him to "stay out of it".

I have come to love this girl myself, and I have a burden now on my heart to help her. I agree 100% that all she is doing is to get attention, and no matter what she doesn't even seem to get negative attention from her parents! Do you know what rule they have recently put in place for her? "Ask" when you want to do something, don't "tell" us. That is the only real rule she has!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 3:51pm

Oh gosh ... my heart goes out to this poor girl too. Being 13 is tough in and of itself, and lacking parental support and guidance, it's no wonder H is a bit messed up.

I don't think I'd go to the parents directly just yet. Discuss it with the school counselor, let them know what kind of home life she has. Chances are they have a good idea already. I also like your idea of talking to your DD's counselor for advice. Maybe counselors are like lawyers and do pro bono work? Just an idea, but certainly worth asking about.

If not able to help H himself because of his own illnesses and the descructive influences of H's mother, at least dad is concerned about her. Perhaps after you've spoken to the school, the counselor and have a better idea of what you can do, or what H can do for herself, you can approach dad. If you go to him and say, "this is what's happening, and this is what we can do to help" he will not panic so much as if you go and say "H is doing this and I am very worried".

You are doing a wonderful thing by trying to help this young girl. I know you have an awful lot on your plate with your own DD, but perhaps if she knows you are trying to help her friend, she might see things in a different light. {{hugs to you all}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 9:01pm

Yes, the perils of snooping....you do have to be prepared to deal with what you find. I know from experience how difficult that can be.

I vote with telling the couselor. She will tell the parents and this takes you out of the loop.

I know you've posted about how difficult it is to get your dd to tell you things. Is it possible that you can have a conversation with her that might lead her to telling you about the e-mail? Just a thought.

My heart breaks for H. You are truly a friend to her - even if she doesn't know it now, she will someday.

Let us know what happens.

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:37am

You have such a big heart, I fully understand your concern and your feeling the need to do something.


However, I would NOT share this info with H's parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 3:03pm

Thanks everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I wanted to update you that while I agreed with all of you that I should have gone directly to the school counselor, events changed suddenly yesterday afternoon. I got a call from H.'s mother saying that she is pulling her out of the middle school because she is failing all her courses, yelling at her parents and more out of control than ever. H. doesn't want to go to that school anymore, doesn't like the teachers, doesn't think she can bring up the F's. They just don't know what to do with her anymore...then H.'s mother suddenly blurted out that she wants to send her to "boot camp". Hello? From one extreme to the other here! I then had to tell her what I knew about H.'s depression and possible suicidal thoughts. I told her I couldn't reveal "how" I knew this. That she needs to get H. counseling immediately, she is only going to continue to escalate the bad behaviour.

For now, H.'s mother thinks she has solved the problem by re-enrolling her at the school she went to previously, a Charter School through 8th grade. She doesn't get that H. has problems that are going to go with her wherever she goes. H. "seems" happy about the change, and so she thinks she's solved the problem for now, or at least put a bandaid on it....

I was worried about dd but she won't share with me her true feelings. She said it's okay, they'll see each other weekends. But later, I heard her crying in her room. Dd has other friends, we ran into some of them this weekend at the parade...all ran up and hugged her. But dd has always been one to really "attach" herself to one super close best friend and other friends are on the sidelines. she feels very close to H. Obviously, I'm not going to pull dd out of the school, no matter her grades; I feel like this is an answered prayer because it will serve to separate them some. Maybe dd will be able to make some friends she will care to see outside of school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 6:51am

Nothing to add. I just want a post out there that can be "read" and at the end so the little dot goes away.

I am sorry I missed all the excitement, though.

ILR

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 7:11pm
LOL. What's really funny is that apparently I missed all the excitement too. Have no idea what the removed posts said, and you know what? I just don't care!