new here....need help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
new here....need help!!!
9
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 2:52pm

Hey....My name is Michelle and I have three step kids, a dd and one on the way.

Michellesiggy.gif

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 3:16pm

I think counseling is an excellent idea. It sounds like you and your H are at your rope's end and some good counselor should be able to offer some solutions and suggestions. Parenting a teen is a lot different from parenting a younger child.

That said, I have to say that I am appalled that your H would A) even spank a 13 year old girl - that is, IMO, inappropriate to begin with, but B) to spank her in front of her classmates is not only inappropriate but could cause lasting damage to your DSD's self esteem and chip away at any remaining respect she has for her father. Spanking, especially when used in a humiliating manner is dehumanizing, disrespectful and IMO, abuse - physically, emotionally and mentally!

You know, my 16dd has always been a PITA about handing in her HW, doing her HW, lying and back in the spring she was stealing. Every issue and situation was able to be resolved without using physical force. We sought counseling and used rewards systems to help reign her in. Mostly it's worked. She still has trouble in school, we're working on it. My dd has other issues that get in her way, but it would take me writing a book to include it all here.

My point is that there may be a lot of underlying issues at play here with your DSD; some having to do with her mother, father, both and maybe even you or just the normal sibling rivalry and the usual typical teen factor. I don't think there is any way to pinpoint ONE thing that is causing your SDS to act out the way she is. I think there are many factors. Being a part of a step/blended family has it's own set of issues, and no matter how normal you all think you are there are STILL issues within a child's head and heart that no amount of love and persistence can break through - they either need counseling or time. I speak from experience, we are a step family and we've been off and on in counseling for about 10 years and I can tell you, it's helped - A LOT. Even when we don't think we need it anymore or don't want to deal with it anymore, we just keep going and it's sometimes just reassuring to have the counselor give you feedback or validate your feelings about a particular issue.

Hang in there - and tell your H to stop spanking his daughter. She is almost a young woman and should not be getting spanked.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 3:46pm

{DH even went to the school on Friday and spanked her in front of her class}

This is a very inappropriate way to deal with a teenager, and I'm pretty shocked that your dh did this. I can very much relate to having a difficult teenage dd - my own dd will be 14 this month, and we've had a very tough year. She's currently in counseling, which seems to be helping. You're on the right track there. However, you and your dh must find other ways of dealing with her lying and stealing besides spanking. You say you've tried everything, but for how long? Decide on one way of dealing with this, and then stick to it. You won't see immediate results. What your dd needs right now is consistency. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 3:54pm

I wondered if this was a 'real' post for a while, but the siggy and pics at the bottom of the message would indicate that this indeed is a real poster.

I would have a hard time punishing my child by taking EVERYTHING from him but a blanket and a pillow----home should not be likened to a prison--unless you are doing things soley for their own personal protection, which you didn't indicate you were. Spanking in front of a classroom of kids a) is abusive and b) what teacher or administrator would ALLOW this to happen. Spanking children is a parental decision, but by the time kids are 10 or so, spanking ceases to be an option--they are too old, and have powers of reason that override any need for physical punishment.

This may be why your SD is rebelling so...............maybe the choices to 'punish' her are too extreme.........stealing, and lying are all typical things teens do. We certainly don't WANT them to, but it isn't as if she's the only one, or if her behavior is extreme or abnormal (for lack of a better word.........what teen is normal). Failure to perform well in school at that age is also typical.........yes the issues need to be addressed, but from what you posted, nothing your SD is doing warrants such extreme measures to stop. There are also 'natural' consequences to her actions. If she steals she could be arrested. If she doesn't turn in homework, she could fail and jeapordize her extra curricular activities...........they lying, well, I haven't figured that one out yet......we deal with that all the time. I'm stuck on advice for that one.

In the throes of a teen/family 'crisis' it seems as if you'll NEVER pull through---believe me, I do it almost weekly---feeling like something he does is absolutely the WORST and how could he and how will we recover......and you know what? We always do. We always bounce back, and our memories always dim at the negative, and brightly remember the positive.

The fact she is in a 'step family' situation may be aggrivating her behavior--maybe she feels like an outsider----who knows? I doubt she'd TELL you at this age.........

Good luck, but please re-assure her that she's a loved, wanted person---even if you are in a fit of anger......it helps her and you...........

Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 3:59pm
Hi and welcome to the board.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 5:41pm
First.... don't beat yourself up over the spanking thing. PPs were a little harsh on you :)
Second, I have a 13 yo DD and I am nursing DS 7 weeks old (typing one handed). We haven't run into this with my DD yet, but some of her friends are starting to exhibit this behavior.
I wanted to post to you from your DSD point of view. I was her, 18 years ago. I ended up pregnant with DD at 18. Divorced parents, stealing, lying, drinking, sex....yep...at 13.
Here we go....She doesn't care what you guys do, and while counseling may help you cope...she will most likely rebel against it. I know I did.
She needs a scare tactic....ASAP. Do you have any friends at the local police department? She needs to meet inmates and see what jail is like. What were her dreams prior? Did she want to be a lawyer, vet, Doctor, etc? She needs to know what a police record will do to her future. No offense to anyone on this board, but stocking at Walmart is not usually on the list of future plans.
Bottomline.... she's angry/hurt at one or both of her birth parents. She needs an apology and some one on one time with the remote parent. She also needs to know that she needs to take responsibility for her life and can't blame anyone else. I blamed my dad for a lot of years, when I could have taken control back into my own hands.
She will get through this OK. It sounds like you guys really care and love her. I turned out great, finished college (the hard way), have a great job (make more than hubby), and married a wonderful man. Just love her and be there for her. You will want to control who she hangs out with for a few years, but she will appreciate it later.
Hang in there and keep me posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:16pm

Frankly, I'm surprised the school administration did not call DCS on your husband. Sorry, but you are abusing this child.

Let's see, you've taken away everything except a pillow and blanket, she doesn't go anywhere unless it's with you or DH, and your DH spanked her in front of her class.

Of course she doesn't care! She has nothing left to lose by continuing this behavior, which, except for the stealing, appears to me to be pretty typical behavior for a teen. They lie, sorry, but they do. They lie to get their own way.

Effectively, you've taken away everything that matters to this kid, including now any shred of self-esteem she had at school. Do you have any clue how hard it must have been to go to school today and face these kids? If she didn't go anywhere before, she sure as heck isn't going anywhere now--I'm sure if she had any friends they are staying far away from her today.

I'm usually not so harsh, and I'm sorry if this offends you, but you and DH deserve it. I'm really hoping the counselor can teach you and DH effective, loving parenting, because your way sure isn't working.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:25pm
I'm also kind of thrown on the spanking thing ... what exactly DID your DH hope to accomplish by publicly flogging his child? I too, am surprised the school allowed this to happen. I am sure it reflected more poorly on him, his behavior and his parenting style than it did on your DSD, I'd chance to bet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 10:07am

Well.......I am a police officer so yes I know of plenty.

Michellesiggy.gif

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 10:36am

Have you considered having her evaluated by a psychiatrist? I only bring this up because my 16dd has had many issues similar to your dd and once she was placed on a certain medication, her behavior stabilized quite a bit and now it's even better.

Choosing the meds route was not an easy or quick decision for my H or me, so please don't think that I'm on the "medicate your kids band wagon" or anything. It took 3 years of counseling before we finally agreed to try a med with our dd. The counselor suggested it after meeting with dd 6 times alone and 6 times with all of us and she would bring it up occasionally for the following 2 1/2 years. We finally had our dd evaluated by a really great pediatric psychiatrist and she got a diagnosis: she is borderline mood disorder (and has tourette syndrome which caused rage attacks when she was younger). The mood disorder can include extreme oppositional behavior as well as risky behavior such as high sexualization, impulsive decisions, extremely rude behavior and other issues. We tried first one med which didn't really do anything by make her tired. But then she had great results with another med. Last fall she took a break from the meds and things slowly unraveled and by January she was a mess again, even suicidal. She was placed back on her med and is really doing much better now. Her abusive, "I don't care" attitude has really settled down, her impulsive behavior has settled also, and she she's happier and in involved in family activities because she WANTS to be not because she is forced to be.

Just a thought you might want to consider. You know, not all of the psychiatric stuff is BS - sometimes it's very real and your dd may thank you one day for seeking the help she needs. My dd was very resistent but since January she faithfully takes her meds, I don't even have to remind her and not too long ago she even told me she's glad that I take care of her by taking her to the DR when she needs to go and by being honest with her about her behavior.