Divorced mom, TAPPED OUT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Divorced mom, TAPPED OUT.
5
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 7:16pm

Hello everyone,

One week ago my divorce was finalized. I am now a divorced single mother of teenage twin boys. I just turned 43 years old. The boys live with me, their dad lives 1.5 miles from us. Since the divorce last Monday, my ex-husband and I are getting along splendidly. We obviously do better as friends than husband and wife.

I am a freelance art director - what that means that from my home, I create advertising pieces - both the design and the copywriting. I am interviewing for a F.T. position because freelance as one income doesn't cut it. Between the interviewing and the freelance work I do have, I attend a lot of A.A. meetings (I've been sober for 19 years), spend hours with the state and my county getting the assistance I need so we can eat and stay in this apartment, do all the laundry and cleaning, help my sons with their homework and collapse into bed around 11pm.

I am so SO frustrated with my sons. I have put them first throughout the whole separation and divorce. We left their dad in June and this is the first time I've been on my own in 17 years. I've always depended upon men, and had a wonderful awakening thats taken place over the last year. Ending the marriage was the right thing to do, for all four of us. Unfortunately my sons have picked up on their dad's work ethics. My ex never helped with housework and was a poor provider. I am tired of sitting these boys down and having calm talks about how we need to work as a team - and that I expect minimum chores to be done (their bathroom, their bedroom, their dishes, etc). They comply for about one day, then it's back to old habits. I KNOW most boys are messy, but the constant socks on the floor, the bathroom that's trashed.. it all adds up to time I don't have and shouldn't have to have.

Today I was at my county's family services - a very depressing place, getting clothing vouchers for my sons. They have no clue that we're on food stamps and medicaid. For 5 hours today I went through an interview process for clothes, then went to a food pantry and left with a trunk full of groceries for my sons and me. They have no idea.

Today... I lost it. My sons started arguing about "who" would carry up the groceries (we're on the second floor). At the end of my rope I told them to just forget it. One of my boys claimed he didn't feel well. The other is on their computer.

I have no desire to be super-mom. My boys DO possess some great character traits, but this lack of helping me is making me angry and "this close" to just saying, "you wanna live like this? Live with your dad." I know, I know.... extreme - and that's why I'm typing this instead of saying something to them I'll regret later. My ex-mother-in-law moved IN to our old apartment with my ex-husband. That's a whole other issue... now he has his built-in wife to once again to all HIS cleaning and cooking.

GRRRRRRRR.............. I AM SO ANGRY. I'm tired, my back hurts, and I've swallowed more pride in the last 6 months than I have in a lifetime.

I'm going to light a cigarette now and maybe someone out there has some experience with this that can help. Thanks for reading this far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 8:34pm

I have no experience, but am just sending you some ~+~+~~+vibes of hope. This has probably been a stressful year for you AND your boys. Give yourselves some time to get used to all the changes. If your boys have had all these years of a (bad) example from their dad, it may take a while for habits to change.

One idea I have (and I have to admit it only works partially with my DD) is to let your boys pick which chores they will do. I wanted my DD to unload and re-load the dishwasher - I thought it was an easy one to do - she HATES it and picked some other ways to help around the house. Another strategy I've used (for the clothes on the floor) is I only wash clothes that are in the laundry basket - the first week my DD ran out of socks was the last time she laid them all over the house!

((HUGS)) to you for realizing it's more productive to vent here, and then have more energy for your sons. Good luck to all three of you in this new phase of your life

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 9:13pm

You were smart to type your thoughts to us rather than share them with your sons. You're dealing with a lot and, even though it sounds like you made the best decision for your family, it's bound to be rocky this early on.

Give your sons specific jobs to do and don't waver. Then feel free to use this board to vent all you want.

Best of luck to you.
jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 9:53pm

Lots of hugs for what you've been through and are going through now. You didn't say how old the boys are, but if they are over the age of 12, they can do their own laundry. This Saturday, when everyone is home, say okay guys, we are having a mandatory family meeting. Explain to them the ground rules -- their bathroom remains the way they leave it, but for health reasons, once a week the toilet, sink, tub and floor must be scrubbed. Show them where the cleaning supplies are kept, and tell them it will be inspected after the job is done. Leave it up to them who does what. As far as their bedroom--just tell them the door must remain closed if their room is messy, you don't need to see it. You will cook dinner, but one washes the dishes and one dries. If you have a dishwasher, one loads, the other unloads. Let them work out the schedule--switching off if they want. And take them literally to the laundry and say, this is the way to do laundry. Go through it and have them write down what you are saying. Then say, okay, I'm done, you guys are on your own for laundry. If you run out of clean clothes, you run out, sorry. Stick to it, no matter how much they are whining they have no clean boxers. It will only take once or twice when they don't have clean clothes to go out with their friends.

Now for the consequences -- No one leaves the apt. on Saturdays until the bathroom is cleaned, for any reason. Dishes not done right after dinner? No television or computer or phone until they are done. Are they accusing each other of not doing their job? Tough--both lose privileges until it's done--they'll soon learn you have to work together. If you turn a deaf ear to their complaining, just smile and say, I'm sure you know how to get it done and go on doing what you're doing, they'll soon stop arguing in front of you. They are doing that to get your attention anyway, and to get out of doing the work. Won't help carry the groceries? Well then, find your own dinner that night. Oh and by the way, if you don't have the 10 minutes to help me take up the groceries, you certainly can't afford any time in front of the t.v. tonight.

The most important thing is to be calm, absolutely stick to your guns no matter how much they are complaining, and smile lovingly and sympathetically all the while remaining firm.

Good luck. You sure have a lot on your plate right now. Good luck on your job hunting also. You sound like you are very talented in that area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 9:58pm
Hi and welcome to the board.
Pam
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:00am

Wow, your story sounds similar to mine, 14 years ago. I left my then negligent H and moved away with my two then very young dd's, they were 2 and 4. I also spent endless hours in line at the food bank & the church pantry; spent hours getting certified and recertified by the state for food stamps, clothing allowances, FAN food and WIC. I even signed up for college classes through the labor department for displaced housewives - the child care was partially paid for through the program. It was mentally, emotionally and physically draining. And then, to come home and clean up and make dinner, give baths and read bedtime stories and then take my own shower - by the time I went to bed, I fell in and passed out only to wake up about 6 hours later and start all over getting them up and ready for the day, on the bus, etc. It's so hard, I remember it well. In my case, it was also the best decision to leave my exh, both for me and the girls.

The advice I have to offer is not easy but it's doable. Make a schedule with a matching chart. Assign each boy a task/job and list out the consequences if they don't follow through with thier assigned job. Make sure they know up front what the consequences are, be consistent and follow through. If you let them know up front what your expectations are, and remind them that you are all part of a team and must work together and that you mean business, they will eventually get with the program. You MUST be fair and consistent. Things like emptying the small garbages from each room, dusting the furniture, helping load or unload the dishwasher, putting away their toys (I found an old crate for the living room for toys in there and every Sat they had to return the toys in there to thier rooms), giving them a Clorox wipe to clean the bathroom sink, teach them to vacuum, feeding the fish. These chores don't need to be perfect, they just need to be good enough. Kids not only learn responsibility from doing chores, they also learn how to take care of thier belongings and they learn the value of being part of a team(family).

Now, based on what I read in your post, you have been holding it ALL together for a long time - just as I did when I went through those months prior to leaving and the years following. I sincerely hope that you make sure to get some family counseling for you and your boys. They need it because there are issues surrounding a divorce, move and the subsequent separation anxiety that you simply cannot handle on your own. they will benefit from counseling because they may have feelings that they feel guilty about sharing with you or thier dad. It's important for them to be able to verbalize the feelings with someone safe. Likewise, you need emotional and mental support. You will benefit from counseling because single parenting can be tricky - there is a lot of mixed emotions involved such as the need to be consistent without feeling like a HUN or truant officer with your kids. You need to be firm, yet gentle and it's difficult to find a balance when you're going it alone as a parent. Counseling will also help you to find ways of taking time for yourself to nurture your heart and soul. It's important for you to take care of yourself first sometimes so you can be better at parenting the boys when they need you.

The temptation to threaten them with sending them to live with thier dad is great, but try to resist saying it out loud. I personally think that giving them an out, rather than making them adhere to your rules is not the way to go. Giving them an option creates an opportunity for them to always flee a situation when things get tough or difficult. You are still a family and your sons need to know that as a family you're part of a team and you must all work together and be respectful of one another. You are still the parent and although you may not have a partner to share the burden, you must be strong and still be loving and let them know that your heart is big enough to love them for both you and your ex.

Look, the next year will be the most difficult to be sure. You will be navigating through this year of change, personal growth, stress and troubles. You will be juggling things you never imagined you had the stamina to juggle. But you will do it. Remember ALWAYS why you thought you'd be better off without exh and forge ahead to create the loving and supportive home you dreamed of for yourself and your sons. It can be done. Eventually, your new life takes form. Eventually, your boys adapt and are reminded of thier place. And eventually, it becomes second nature and things don't seem so horrible or stressful.

A few years ago, if anyone asked me, I would have said that leaving my exh and going through those first couple of years was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Now I would say that it was the best thing I've ever done in my life. That move created opportunities for myself and my children who are now young women, 16 and 18. They are good kids. My 16dd was always a handful as she has bio-neurological issues, but even with all that, I never look back, but I always remember where I came from, how far I've gone and how lucky we are to be here. Another thing I did was keep a journal. It helped me vent along the way, write out thoughts I had, feelings, etc. Every once in a great while I read through those old journals and I am in awe of what I went through, what WE went through.

Many many hugs and best wishes. You can do this.