kids angrey at dad for his demands

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
kids angrey at dad for his demands
3
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 9:58am
Ok, here i am, posting..i usually lerk in the background but his time i'm up for the bashing...dd 14 & ds 16 dh & me married 20 yrs. ds is not very active and loves to play computer games on line w/friends...dh has set rules, ds from 7 to 9 and dd from 5 to 7 the do take advantage and extend the times....ds gets sick alot it seems and misses some school...not weekly but he has been complaining of a stomach nasuia yesterday during school and last night..(i was up w/a migraine all night myself) (the dog was pucking all night) so not much sleep for mom plus i work full time so i was beat this morning and did not feel like arguing w/anyone...i work ds and dd...she get right up and is good about it...ds tends to linger and misses the bus often and i end up giving him a ride to the next bus stop...not my husband.....anyway, ds said he did not feel good and could not go to school, i believe him but i knew dh would be mad and yell cuz he hates when ds misses school...last yr in dec ds complained of stomach pain and dh made him go to school and we ended up at the er w/removal of his appendix....so i am hesitent not to believe him...anyway, i layed back down and said he doesn't feel good..well, he started yelling his name...to get up and he's not taking a baby day off. ..i quietly told him that he should not say it that way, and that i belileved he was really sick..he told me i was making the kids week, i should push them to do things and make them go to school even if they are sick..people go to school and work sick...and pointed out that i went to work w/a migraine...and said, listen, i don't feel good, please stop yelling and go to his room and talk, well, that set him off and he started saying that unless and until i am on the same page as he is he will gain no respect from the kids, i'm wrong and will always be becasue i do not support his disipline...i went into ds's room and said , please get up and go to the bathroom, see how you feel, maybe you just need to go to the bathroom and put an effort into it....his response was...why is he so mean, why do you let him talk to you that way, why don't you leave him??? i am doing good in school and get better grades that he has ever gotten in his life....i told him that i did not want to hear him talk about his father that way and to get up and try and go to school...i went back into the bedroom and told dh that his arguing and loudness that the kids can hear what he was saying is the reason the kids don't respect him...they question why i put up w/your yelling and always pushing people...my son thinks he's controlling...when my husband gets on this roll, he doesn't stop until he says deep words and has to say how he is not respected...but on the other hand, when he is not like this, he is the nicest dad and husband. i just don't know what to do...i know, we need marriage/family counseling but he won't go. i tell him all the time, if he wants to discuss something, we will discuss , not argue about it when everyone is upset...he just thinks i'm always against him...i know this is long and i'm sorry but i hope you take time to read this and maybe i just needed to vent. peace for now
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:13am

If you are not happy and the kids are not happy and H is yelling and saying inappropriate things at inappropriate times, then you should go to counseling. Alone if you must, but go. It's unimportant at this time if H doesn't join you. Go for you. Go for the kids.

The kids need to know that you are at least taking a step in the right direction. They need a safe place to vent thier own anger and frustrations. You need a safe place to figure out what your H is right about and how to find ways of better communication, even if H doesn't join you. You can put into action certain changes with or without H on board.

That said, the one thing H said that's correct is about you both being on the same page. The thing that he's wrong about is that it has to be HIS page. It sounds like his method of motivating ds or you is to berate and control, demand and threaten and call others names. I can tell you, that used to be my H's method. But then we went to counseling and he learned other ways of communicating. That's not to say that he's perfect now, he still lets loose when he's really fit to be tied. However, he doesn't usually get to that point anymore. The last time he really lost it was when my 16dd went with the internet perv. He felt so helpless, like his back was up against the wall that he blurted out things he normally would not have said. The following day I scheduled an appt with the counselor for me and H. Prior to that, I had gone to see the counselor without H, but he finally agreed to go with me and then he asked to go another time after that because he felt better.

Take care of you and take care of your kids, get to counseling if you think it will help. Go without H if he won't go. Many hugs - I hope this works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:19am

I agree with heartsand roses. Go to counseling without him and take your kids.

Wishing you the best of luck and sending hugs

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 11:45am
Thank you for that eye opener...he is right in a sense but he needs to come across in a different manner..when he yells and gets upset, nobody wants to listen to him..alls we heard is we're wrong, he's right...i guess i would seek "family" conseling rather than "marriage"? and i won't wait til after the holidays, i'm not putting this off, i will go, i went w/o him before to a marriage counseling and he agreed to attend and he only went once...left the counseling session in tears and the counselor knew he would not return ..of course it is confidential..he went alone and he would not talk about it but the counselor was able to tell me that my husband is always going to have this anger built up inside until or unless he learns to let go of his past and forgive.....see, he was physically abused by his father as a child of 7 kids. and he has tried to have a relationship w/his father now but it always turns out the same, my husband gets mad at him because he is ungratful and thinks everyone should support him and give him things and be there for him when he left my husband's mother w/7 kids many years to start a new life wi/ another woman and adopted a child and did all the things he should have done w/my husband w/his adopted son. it's sad but i believe it's pouring into our current family problems. the anger. well thanks again and anyother ideas would be great., peace