Need some quick advice/insight

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Need some quick advice/insight
7
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 3:16pm

I'll try to make this short (a stretch for me). DS 15 called at 10:45 to see if he could go 'hang' out w/ one of his friends--I told him I thought that would be fine, but he needed to do his chores first (dishes). I also told him I'd need to run it by his dad as the other parents wouldn't be home. He mentioned that the DID have basketball practice and this boy's parents would take him.

I talked to him again around 12:15, dishes weren't done (I told him they needed to be before he left) and he said he didn't have ride plans (the snow play plans fell through) but would call me with the info.

Called home at 1:40 and he'd already left w/ this boy and parents (I assume). No phone call no dishes done. I AM LIVID, FURIOUS, did I mention LIVID.........

We've been having issues w/ him 'balking' at our parental requests....I know this is just his way of rebelling and 'breaking' the rules. He'll tell us he didn't have enough time to do the dishes (which he may not have, but he could have CALLED to work out an alternative) and that he just 'forgot' to call before he left in his rush...yea whatever.

How can I handle this with decorum and know that he DOES need to learn to make some of his own decisions and make some of his own choices, BUT NOT LIKE THIS. If he needs alternate arrangements, then TALK TO ME....DO NOT LEAVE WITH SOMEONE UNLESS I KNOW ABOUT IT. etc. What occured falls into this 'pick your battles' issue. Nothing HUGE has happened.....no danger will come to him---it's just basketball practice......

This is an issue that my DH will want to ground him forever, take away his phone and internet privledges and probably other various punishments. I also am livid, but want to find a fair and reasonable way to deal with this. I am looking for some quick help so when I leave work in 2 hrs to get him, I (we) won't try to trade him in for a new model.........

Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 3:35pm

Doesn't he have a cell phone? Call him right now. Ask him if those dishes are done. If they aren't, ask him why not. Ask him why he didn't use the handy little device he is talking on right this moment to call and tell you his plans.

It sounds like he had PLENTY of time to do the dishes, he just chose not to, but hey, what kid hasn't made the choice to watch a movie vs doing chores, or im for an hour rather than finish up homework?

If it were me, I'd probably say something like "you know, dad is going to be pretty PO'd that you a)didn't do the dishes and, b)didn't follow through with keeping me updated on your plans today as we DISCUSSED and AGREED. Are you going to be prepared to face dad later on and deal with the consequences?" He could always hightail it back home, do those dishes, then wait for you to get home to drive him to basketball practice.

I'd add a few extra chores for the next week or so, and restrict his social activities until AFTER his school and home responsibilities are done, and done to your satisfaction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 3:45pm

That is another thing that sent me into orbit........I DID try to call his cell--like 20 times, and he's either not answering (unlikely--he hasn't tried pulling that one to much yet), didn't take it (which I can't imagine, since it seems permanantly attached to him), didn't hear it down in his bag (he keeps it on vibrate) or had already gotten to school and changed and was in the gym.

He DID have plenty of time to do the dishes. I told him at 10:45 they'd need to be done in order for him to go out in the snow w/ his buddy. Then things got too late to have his 'play date' and he still hadn't done them. His choice, yes I know. But by the time he got down to the wire, and he realized he put off stuff too long, it was HIS job to own up to his own procrastination and ask for alternative plans..........I'd be ticked, but I would have given in, because I dont' want to do the dishes..........I'm less freaked about the dishes as I am that he LEFT HOME WITHOUT TELLING ME. Yes, I knew he WOULD be leaving, etc, but no specifics...........

I just want him to be 'diciplined' for his decisions, but not to overreact. I'm an emotional person, and have a tendency to wear my emotions on my sleeve.
He'll definately be punished, but I don't want to be too harsh or too lenient........arrrgghhh. Why oh why doesn't SOMEBODY tell us how hard it is to be an effective parent? I have NO BACKGROUND in this field................(smile)

Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 3:53pm

Ok here is my plan so far. I will make him do ALL the dishes for the next week and no phone or internet usage each day/evening until they are done. And if he gets home late from practice and does the dishes and it is already time for the internet and phone to be off, then he just doesn't use them that night.

Ought to be motiviation to not procrastinate on his chores again, and for his 'failure to communicate' with me, then he will lose his ability to communicate w/ others until the chores are done.

Too lenient? Does it get the POINT across?

Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 3:58pm

Okay ... once I was sitting in the school parking lot to pick up DD and rang her cell phone SIX times. She didn't answer because she had pushed the volume down past 'vibrate' and into 'silent' mode without realizing it. I walked on campus and found her sitting at a table with a couple other kids. Chances are, that's what has happend with your DS.

And like you, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, overreact, jump to conclusiong ... all that. (I should weigh about 90 lbs exerting all that energy like that!)

So how about this?

YOU pick him up from basketball practice. Take him straight back home, march him into the kitchen and HOVER over him while he does dishes. Make him do tonights dinner dishes BEFORE he does anything else. HOVER over him then, too.

I'd let him know how upset you are with him. Maybe you'll get some really brilliant advice before you go pick him up tonight and then you can calmly and rationally talk to him about being more responsible.

I dunno ... mine didn't come with instructions either!

Well, good luck and let me know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 4:09pm

One of my best girlfriends just called me and wants to go out for a drink after work this evening............I may take her up on it, and leave the hovering to my DH--that will REALLY piss my DS off!!

I just want to be calm, set forth the 'punishment' and keep it to fit the 'crime' and go on and not dwell---I have a tendency to go ON AND ON AND ON with stuff (betcha you all couldn't tell that about me..........hahaha)

shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 5:05pm

See? toldja he'd have his 'excuses' ready...............it wasn't his 'fault' that dishes weren't done-----his buddy arrived to get him at 1:10 which was way earlier than he thought. And he never said he'd call me............lots of conversation between mom and DS and ------'Oh yea, I did say I'd call. I'm sorry. It's nobodys fault but mine" This after a bunch of "whatever mom" comments when he didn't like what I was saying.

Oh, well. maybe up to his armpits in dish water this week will help 'remind' him to do things timely. My DS 12 was up at 8:00 calling asking how to do his chores--got them done and was free all day............

Hmmmm. I'm looking forward to a dish free evening, possibly a drink w/ a friend and SURVIVOR!

Cheers,
Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 6:40pm

When DD leaves without doing the chore I asked, I call her and tell her to come home and do it now. It doesn't matter what she's doing when I call either. In your case, since he's riding with someone else, I guess that's not an option but I do think I would simply tell him that he's not leaving the house until the dishes are done and maybe add one more small chore to it for not calling. If you are consistent with this, he will probably get the idea. He'll know that you not giving him chores to do in order to control him or be mean but just to get the job done.

Good Luck!