Getting along with my boyfriend's daught
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| Thu, 12-08-2005 - 8:37pm |
Hello All!
I'm having a bit of a problem with my boyfriend's daughter. I thought maybe I could pick the brains of some of the parents of teens here.
To start, I've been dating my guy for two months. We met at work and so far everything is great. He is much older than I am but we are so in sync that it's barely an issue.
Except when it comes to his daughter. I haven't spoken with him much about her because I am not sure if everything I'm feeling is normal or not. She is less than 5 years younger than me. A typical teenager as far as I can tell except that she is really quiet. Introverted. I am very outgoing and though we are close in age, I have always ran with an older crowd. I didn't even hang out with girls her age when I was her age. I'm really clueless how to connect with her. Not necessarily be her "best bud" but just getting her to talk to me. When we are in the same room, it tends to be very awkward and I can't help but be paranoid that she is judging me for dating an older man, who happens to be her father. My boyfriend is divorced and neither he or his daughter have a good relationship with the her mother. I'm afraid that the daughter may have some animosity towards women. she doesn't have alot of "girlfriends' either.
I'm very confused and I don't want her to hate me. I'm not trying to be a mother figure at all but I would like a good relationship with her because I care so much about her father.
please help me.

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I have thought about that. My main concern is coming on too strong. She might think that I'm trying to be a girlfriend and bring myself to her level. I want her respect more than anything and I also don't want to make things weird for my boyfriend.
Maybe a shopping trip with the three of us would be better so she would be more comfortable. I also thought of getting her college information since I'm there now and she will soon be going through all that confusion.
But then again, I don't know what is too much for her. She's really quiet and stand off-ish. I try to get a feel of her interests but it's like pulling teeth sometimes.
Thanks for the suggestion. That'll definitely be an option for me after a little time.
if i may speak honestly? no offence honey, but you have been dating the guy for TWO MONTHS. i would put the dd aside, for a while. IF and WHEN your relationship develops, THEN you can discuss what to do with her. I think that if i were in her shoes, i would be feeling quite judgemental and awkward too (I am not saying that *I* am judging you for dating an older guy, i am saying that as a teen---- teens tend to be judgemental ----- i would prbably be feeling the same way).
Assuming she's around 16, you would be around 20?
Please look at it from her perspective.
For her to openly accept dad's new girlfriend would be highly unusual in this situation.
To the teen's credit, simply being a bit standoffish and awkward is showing remarkable maturity and restraint on her part. A typical teen would be throwing a rebellious fit.
Trying to be her friend would only exacerbate the situation.
You've only been dating this guy 2 months. Expecting the teen to be all chummy with you is highly unrealistic even 'without' the age problem. Adding that fact that you yourself are barely out of teen-dom makes this volatile. Be pleasant and conversational. But give her space. Lots of it. This will take some time.
Not that I am discouraging you from posting on this board, but you might also try: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psstepparent This is the step-parenting board here on iVillage. I have gotten some good advice there! It seems these ladies have already given you some good advice, but the ladies over there might have another perspective for you coming into this situation.
You may want to stick around this board though for the general teen questions as the other board can get a little feisty, LOL!!
Michelle
I have a 23 y/o DD that is dating a man that is 36 so she could be in a similar situation so I will try to answer you as I would her. Let the father take the lead here. This is his child and he knows best how she thinks. Talk to him and tell him you would like to get to know his DD better and ask for his suggestions. Also please give this young lady alot of time to come to you. Just let her know that you want to get to know her and wait on her.
Also, we have one teen that posts here frequently that could probably provide you with a different perspective. If payas responds, please give what she says a little more thought as she is a teen and often gives us some wonderful perspective.
I'm afraid you're in a sticky situation. I'm a teen myself; I'm almost 16, and a sophmore in highschool. I would have a REALLY hard time dealing with something like this. I'll assume you're 20/21. Okay, I'm not condemming your choice to be with this man, but if I was in the position of your boyfriend's daughter, here's some of the things I'd be thinking.
For one, I'd feel like you should be dating my older brother, NOT my dad. Also, I'd be unable to think of you as an authority figure. Whatsoever. I'd be so pissed if you tried to disipline me or something, it's not even funny. I'd also wonder about my dad's intrest in someone so much younger. Someone so close to my age. I'd wonder what he thought of me, if he was secretly intrested in my bestfriend, or other highschool girls, or even me. And I'd probably take anger from that out on you. Also, I'd be skeptible about the relationship, as the age gap was so wide.
I wouldn't think you're in a very respectable position. I've hung out with people in their early 20's as friends, as equals. You might not be at that maturity level, but the age thing is there. One of my close friends, whos 15, is "dating" (not really dating but best friends that would be dating if she was older) a guy who's 25. My cousin, practically brother, that I wrestle with and steal his hat and argue over who gets the last piece of cake with is 22. For most people my age, I'd guess their connections with people in their early 20's are about the same. Older siblings, friends, college students and the partying and drinking associated with that.
Geez, I'm getting mad at you just thinking about it. And sorry if I said anything offensive, I was just trying to show you some of the things your boyfriend's daughter is thinking and feeling
Keep a cordial relationship. And keep it at that. Also, show her your serious side. Your serious, mature side, stuff you would see more prominantly exhibited in older, more established, people. Maybe if she seems you as more of a frumpy, "nerdy" 20 year old, she's be less offended by you dating her father.
But really, don't push things. At all.
Good Luck!
Thanks I'll try that board too.
Any advice i can get would be helpful and I have gotten some great feedback.
Thanks payasa. Don't worry I wasn't offended at all by what you said. This makes perfect sense. See I don't have a great relationship with my dad. We don't speak often and he doesn't live anywhere near me. So I don't have any way to decode the father/daughter relationship. you are very helpful.
The thing is is that I am really mature for my age. When I was in my teens I always hung out with older people. I was that kid that seemed to get along with my friends parents more than my actual friends. So I guess this is natural for me to be dating someone so much older. But it also explains how I don't get his daughter.
I'm not really worried as coming off immature to her because I'm a professional (her father and I work together) and I'm going through school and I don't have many typical twentysomething-ish qualities. I certaintly hope she doesn't see me as frumpy or nerdy, lol! (I mean I was voted Best Dressed, gimme some credit) just kidding
But I see what you mean, hopefully she will see that I'm not the norm for my age.
I would never feel it was my responsibilty to discipline her or give her orders. I also don't want her to be pressured to see me as a potential mother-figure. Because I'm not interested in that. Even if this relationship with her dad blossomed and we did get really serious and possibly married, all I hope for is that she will open up to me a little. Because the next couple of years are going to be crucial for her and I would hope that when she has questions or concerns that she would seek out a responsible young person who has already lived it to ask questions of. And the most I can hope for is that I may be that person for her.
Because I know I would have loved to have someone responsible, with their act together, that wasn't pissing their college and life experience away to talk and get advice from at that age.
Does this make sense to you? Your opinions are more than welcome.
Fellow 20-something year old here (21 to be exact)...
First, I would hold off on worrying about your boyfriend's daughter (you two have only been dating for two months).
Secondly, I would seriously reconsider dating this man. Is this the first time you've dated someone significantly older? Mature for your age or not,
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