Challenges with 14yo son....
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| Fri, 12-09-2005 - 10:43am |
Hey everyone,
I'm hoping someone here has been through this and can give me some feedback and hope.
I'm the residential parent of 14 yr old twin boys. Their dad lives 1.5 miles from us in what used to be the marital apartment. My boys are fraternal twins and absolute polar opposites. "T" is doing very well, very involved in high school choir and theatre and has matured from kid to young man in the last year.
"D", well... he's the one I need help with. He has yet to tap into what his interests are, outside of X-Box. With limiting his time on X-Box, I can deal with this - I don't expect just because he has a twin brother, for him to parallel his twin brother's maturity level growth.
The MAIN PROBLEM is that D never, EVER wants to "own" mistakes, inappropriate behavior, or anything that simply shows he's HUMAN. This is driving me crazy. His dad, was the exact same way. When I'd confront my exH with some inappropriate behavior, or "hey, why didn't you take care of that?", exH would either make a joke about it or become sarcastic. "D" is following his father's footsteps. This kid will say "I did not" over and over AND OVER again. For some reason, it's like he lives in this world where apparently he is never at fault.
I do NOT expect perfection from my sons - as a long-time member of Alcoholic's Anonymous I have been owning my own kinks and flaws for YEARS. But last night D blatently pushed in front of his brother when I told them to hang up their clean clothes. I said, "D, you can't just shove your way in front of your brother like that" - D responds with, "I didn't, I was here first" -- I mean, the DENIAL is blatent and borders on ridiculous. I don't know what to do.
I always know where my sons are, and while I KNOW my "problems" could be much worse, this inability of owning responsibility is driving me nuts. Both boys are in special ed and get help from a team of resource center staff members - "T" has really made a turn around with his grades. "D" is content to simply skate by doing the minimal work possible. I KNOW the low grades trouble him but it's always excuse after excuse, "I forgot..." Again, absolutely no accountability for taking charge of his own education (they're in 9th grade) - always an excuse.
I'm exasperated. This kid is a wall and I don't want my lectures and nagging to backfire.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this is one of the hardest things to teach children along with appreciation.
Hugs, Jade
Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember
I'm with Jade on this one, but would like to add one more thing...
Please be very careful about comparing the boys in ways that they can see or hear.
Thank you for that VALUABLE reminder, Rose - I really appreciate it!
- Tracey
Well sometimes people never learn to "own" their mistakes and take responsibility and be accountable. You mentioned yourself that your ex had this same issue. I'm not saying its hereditary -- its just a problem that even adults have. I can't say I know the answer other than maybe its about finding that something about which he can have some passion. Everyone has something they love to do. You may think its x-box but don't discount that entirely. Find out what it is about the games that he enjoys. Is it strategy or action or humour? What it is? Maybe he needs to branch out into something he really likes but it has to appeal to whatever it is that games appeals to.
And THIS is why I post here - because I get a whole new perspective I never would have had by myself. I know for a fact what my son loves about his X-Box game is the strategy part about it.
THANK YOU, diamond, this was a great idea!