I'm in way over my head

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I'm in way over my head
8
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 11:09pm

Sorry to just jump right in - I have a 13 yo DD and 2 younger daughters as well. The 13 yo had a personal website several months ago that we found and made her take down - told her she wasn't allowed to have one. She had posted pictures, the name of her school, the fact that she was on a sports team and when the games were. We thought she understood the seriousness of the situation. Apparently not - I found out today she has both a myspace and a xanaga. We took her computer (which has very tight controls, and all e-mail goes to her dad first - she put fake e-mails and lied about her age). Now she is furious - we baby her, she has no friends b/c she can't date, wear makeup and go to movies by herself on Friday nights. She is 13! The fact that her "friends" do those things really doesn't concern me, other than the fact that she is upset and hurting. I know there is no way to make her understand - but the people who won't be her friends b/c she doesn't have a website will just find a reason to make fun of her once she does have a website. There will always be something - and there is always someone out there who builds their own self esteem by making fun of others.

I just don't know what to do - she says things aren't the same as when i was a teenager. She is right - they are 100 x's more dangerous. Why should I change my morals and values to meet the ones of her friends? 10 years from now she probably won't even remember their names.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 11:56pm

Karen:

Jump right in anytime. We all do.
Your post sounds like a well deserved and theraputic vent. We've all had our share here, along with many positive posts as well.
I'm puzzled by your message title. You don't seem way over your head to me. On the contrary, you seem like a mom with conviction that imposes reasonable boundaries on some very unacceptable behavior.
Stay the course! and visit here often. This board has helped me tremendously.

D

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 8:04am

Karen you sound like you're doing just fine. Not doing anything that I wouldn't do in your situation - though don't know how much weight that should carry! ;)


Your DD is 13... it's her job to hate you and accuse you of being horribly unreasonable at times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 1:23pm

I agree with the other OP's, sounds like you're doing just fine. You just need to come here and vent, and see what others are going through as well. The only thing I would add is to pick your battles. Your dd is right in that its a different world today, and teens are growing up alot faster. I know alot of girls your dd's age who wear some make up. Maybe instead of completely forbidding it, you could let her wear a small amount - perhaps some clear lip gloss, etc. Around here, because we live in a small town and there is not much for the teens to do, the teens go to the movies in town on Friday nights, mostly in a group. I've let my dd go a few times - I drop her off and (this is important) watch them walk inside the movie theater- and I'm there to pick them up when the movie lets out according to the theater manager, not when she tells me I should pick her up. I know things could go on inside the theater that I might not know about but things also go on at school that you won't know about. That's why opening up the lines of communication is also important. Yes, you have to start having sex talks with your 13 y.o. believe it or not. I don't just mean the bird and the bees talk, but talks about condoms, STD's, the stuff you will probably cringe about discussing with her. If your dd has talked to you up until this point, I want to warn you that she may stop talking to you soon.

Since your dd has already seriously violated your trust with the internet, you might have to tell her she has to earn that trust back and it makes sense to me that you take away all internet privileges.

My dd (turning 14 in days) and I are just finishing up a very tough year. Last summer I found out she was cutting herself. She has lied to us repeatedly. She calls me too "controlling". Even though I am definitely not that strict. But because I don't allow her to go wherever she wants whenever she wants with whomever she wants, wow, I'm too controlling. Yeah. Right now she's in therapy and has been for approximately six months. I have seen some changes, but it's slow going. We found out recently she may have learning disabilities. Her self-esteem is very low, and she suffers from depression. The teens are such rough years, especially for girls, I think. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 3:22pm

You are so right about having sex talks already at 13.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 5:41pm
I agree with the others - you sound like you're doing a fine job!
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 8:50pm

I agree with most of what's been posted - as a parent you don't have to be popular - you set the limits you believe in and help your teen stay within them. Also, you're right that kids who make fun of you for not having a web site will make fun of you no matter what. That said - maybe there's some compromise you and your DD can come up with. Is ther esome way she *could* use a xanga or myspace that you'd allow (e.g., if you had free access and could edit?). That way she can test the waters a bit, but you can keep it controlled and safe. Teach her how to be safe, and she'll know how to make safe decisions later.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 10:44pm

It sounds to me like your head is well above the water line!

I don't like on-line websites or blogs either. I've told my 14yo DD I didn't want her to have one and I'm pretty confident she doesn't. She knows I look at myspace from time to time. I honestly don't think she has the time for one anyway. Since your DD betrayed your trust on this issue, I think severely limiting -- or eliminating altogether -- her computer time for a while is a just consequnece.

I think 13 is too young for one-on-one dating but think it's perfectly okay for her to go to movies with friends or in a group. I started letting my DD go to the movies with friends about age 12. She's been doing the mall thing since about the same age -- but I stay in the mall somewhere and check in on cellphones periodically. I also think it's fine for girls her age to start wearing a little make-up -- mascara, neutral eyeshadow, lip gloss.

This may be a good negotiating issue. You can still prohibit the website and blog, but compromise just a little by helping her choose a few cosmetics from the drug store and letting her wear them. Just that fact alone may make her to feel like she's not 'the only one' with a mean mom :) and may give her just the little boost she needs to ignore those 'friends'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 8:05pm
YOu know , they say this is a tough age for children...HEY, IT'S A TOUGH AGE FOR PARENTS TO GUIDE THIS AGE...omg...my daughter is 14 so i know what you are going through...i guess i am a bit more lenient since i know they other girlfriends do it too...my daughter has a my space...she told me , she showed me and i did make her take out something that i though was a little "not nice"..anyway, her good friends have it too, not friends that would not talk to her if she did not cuz these are friends she has had since early grade school and they talk forever on it..i periodically go over her shoulder and she doesn't "x" it down but she doesn't like me theer either...i think you have to sign up to view the site but her older brother has a posting too so he gets me on his which leads to hers so i check it periodically and so far, it's been ok...the mall thing..well, that went out the window when dd was caught 2 wks ago shop lifting w/a friend..she swears she never did it before and won't do it again..well, she doesn't shop w/friends anymore, no more mall drop offs ..at least not for a long time and if she shops , it's by our sides until she can gain our trust back.it's not easy for us , i'm a little on the softer side and they do take advantage of me at times but, they know when not to push it any further...just take it a day at a time..good luck and hang in there as we all will too...