Another Gift Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Another Gift Question
12
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 11:00am

DD has a male friend at school. She noticed him standing alone the first week and introduced herself to him. Since then, the boy has attached himself to DD and stuck -- seems to have few other friends. He is a permanent fixture at her locker and DD says she feels like she is being stalked. They have lunch together 2-3 times a week.

We went out and chose dozens of little $1 items (lip balms, bath fizzes, little purse-sized notebooks, etc.) for her to give to her female friends. She plans to put a couple or three items in cellophane gift bags and hand them out next week.

The boy gave her a VERY generous gift card for B&N for her BDAY. I think DD ought to get him SOMETHING for Christmas. She doesn't really want to because she doesn't want to lead him on or encourage him but also recognizes that it would be pretty rude for him to see her with her bag of goodies, not have something for him and to just pretend he wasn't there.

What would you do? In similar circumstances, would you insist your DD give the boy a gift? If so, what would you have her give? I don't especially want to go the gift card route because I feel like we'd have to at least match the $$ amount of the one her gave her for her bday, which could send all sorts of messages that could be misconstrued.

Thanks in advance!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 11:12am

if she feels uncomfortable around him for any reason, then she defiantely should NOT buy him a gift - she is right, if she doesn't want to lead him on or encourage him then why are you insisting she buys him a gift?


its not in her control if he buys her a gift for christmas or not - and that shouldn't be a reason for her to buy a gift for him. all she has to do is give out her gifts to her friends when he is not around - after all, she isn't giving gifts to EVERYONE in her school...


IMHO - if she wants to avoid sending the wrong message, then the only choice she has is to not give him a gift at all..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 1:05pm

I'm not insisting at all, I have merely suggested to her that she acknowledge him in someway for the holiday, just as she is planning on doing for all her other friends.

My question was 'should I insist'? There is more to the whole situation and it is a little more complicated (and awkward) than I wrote in my OP.

Thanks for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 2:04pm

My boys wear chapstick-actually they are particulary fond of that stuff in the little white jar with the yellow lid-dang if I can remember the name but Walmart has it. It's more masculine than a tube shape and its not pink either

IOW my suggestion would be to make a bag for him with similar items that are boy appropriate. That gives his something but also sends the message he is on the same playing field as her female friends

metal nail file? sample size of cologne(or would that be misinterpreted)? stickie notes?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 3:03pm

This is a tough one .... I'm sort of having the same dilemma with the carpool (more about that later).

If she gives him a gift, I'd suggest something like a few pieces of candy (NOT hershey kisses!!!)or a small game (cards or something like LCR would be cool) - nothing special or suggesting of a deeper friendship.

As to whether or not I'd make her ... I'm not sure. I'm a big believer in following your instincts and, if he feels like a stalker to her it might be best for her to forgo the niceities and send him a message. I'm not suggesting he IS a stalker ... it's just that he might be making her uncomfortable.

Anway, about the carpool.... A and C are our carpool girls. They (A&C) just transferred to dd's school from the local K-8 Catholic school. They've been freinds forever. A is a little snot .... no, a BIG snot. She has put nasty things in her myspace about dd ... she simply hates her. C is fine - nice, polite, funny girl. She doesn't hang with dd (because of A, mainly), but she's not mean to her.

Since her school is so far away, she'll be taking gifts in to her friends to exchange there. I don't know how I feel about her getting into the car with a bag of gifts with nothing for C and A, but I also think it's a bit hypocritical to get A a gift. I haven't run it by dd yet, so we'll see what she thinks.

Good luck with your situation!

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 8:11pm
I believe the word you are looking for is Carmex?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 11:45pm
Would it make sense to give him a bag of trinkets, just like her female friends? (Sans the bath fizzies, but the other stuff would be just fine for a guy)
That would make it appear he was sort of on the same level as her other friends so as to not misconstrue the intention.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 8:19am

Hi Jules!

I understand your concern, and agree with Daddioe and Windrush. Have your DD put together a small trinket bag appropriate for boys and include him as one of the 'gang'. It is admirable that your DD chose to befriend the 'new kid'. Many kids are aloof and cold making it difficult for other kids to fit in---your DD chose not to do that. I think it is awesome. If she's continuing to have lunch and see this boy on a friendly basis at school---even if he can be annoying--shows that she must care for him (in a friendly way) on SOME level.

As far as 'insisting' that she do this, I don't think you should. I'd make the suggestion and offer to take her back to the dollar store and let her go from there. This is how teens learn. We've ALL been in that uncomfortable gift situation where we don't know what to do, and many of us err on the side of caution and have small things for those people we don't know if we 'should' give a gift to or not............she'll learn by trial and error. Giving a little gift, in my opinion, wouldn't be 'leading him on'. If he sees it is on the same level of her other friends, then he ought to understand.

Good luck!
Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 11:15am

Well, DUH! Can you see me banging my head with my hand? There's no reason why she has to come up with something DIFFERENT for this kid. Why didn't I think of that? She wants to put some holiday candies in with the gifts, so that would work out perfect!

Thanks everyone. I won't insist, but will just drop this suggestion in her lap tonight. Yes, she does find this boy rather annoying, she gets tired of seeing him every morning, break and lunchtime hanging around her locker and she really would like him to make other friends. Not acknowledging him at the holiday would definitely send a strong message, but even she thinks it would be a little mean.

There is also a girl who has done the same thing. Same circumstance -- DD saw her eating lunch alone during the first week of school, so she invited her to eat with her and the boy. Now BOTH show up every day at her locker and neither has other friends. DD says that they don't even eat together if she's not there (DD is involved with several activities that often meet at lunchtime) they just go their separate ways. How weird is that? She doesn't like feeling responsible for them and she'd really rather be free to do whatever she wants for lunch rather than be pinned down the minute she walks on campus.

BUT ... after last years' trauma and still remembering how awful it was, she (so far) feels she can't pull any 'mean girl' crap with either one of them to get them to go away. I think she might be tempted, but so far, has taken the high road. And yes, I am amazing proud of her.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 10:22am

As a fellow seeker of lost souls, I can sympathize with your dd. This has happened to me more than once but, to this day I cannot stand to see someone alone in a crowd.

With any luck, her two locker-hangers will find romance TOGETHER and leave her alone. Hey, anything's possible!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:03am

Why did she accept some $$$ gifts from him? When I was growing up, I was taught not to accept expensive gifts from boys.

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