More On Mean Girls

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
More On Mean Girls
4
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 11:23pm

DD, 14 in a matter of days, has made quite a few new friends since starting middle school this year. Most of you know about the sad H. "saga", the friend who is so deeply troubled it worries me that she's dd's very best friend. Starting tomorrow, I'm forcing dd to take the bus in our neighborhood, simply because I know there are some girls that are her friends that take it, and live in our neighborhood. I'm hopeful that if she is forced to spend more time with them, maybe they will "connect" after school as well. H. has essentially "dropped out" of school for now, so at least they won't be spending time together there (at this point anyway, things change constantly for H. since she gets to decide where and when she goes to school....).

Today dd looked sad about taking the bus. She says all the girls she's met at school who are essentially her friends talk "crap" about everybody. She says that is just how "everybody" at school is. As I've said before, if nothing else H. is a loyal friend and apparently doesn't do the "talking crap" thing. Its really sad that girls are this way and I'm so sorry dd doesn't feel safe making any other friends now....any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 6:45am

This is a very tough age - my DD has been lucky that the girls she connected to in 7th grade are still her friends (including her own troubled friend, I). They go to a six-year Jr/Sr High School, and the continuity has been so nice. As a matter of fact, some girls have asked how come their little group (5 girls) never fights, and is still together. BUT, she tells me how most of the other girls back-stab each other and always fight. Girls who are supposedly "best friends" tell other that they don't like each other.

Not sure that this helps your DD, except for perspective that she's *right* - it is hard to make nice friends. My DD has had some better luck with guy friends - less game-playing. And with friends that share interests - jazz band and basketball.

I think your bus idea is a good one. It may help her meet or connect with someone she wasn't thinking of.

(((HUGS)))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 11:31am

{{Hugs}} You know my DD went through a similar thing in 8th grade and it was perfectly awful! I vented here a LOT! I don't know WHY girls are so mean to one another. This was about the time of year it all fell apart for my DD and it was a long 6 months until school let out.

I don't know what happens between the end of 8th grade and beginning of 9th, but these kids seem to do a complete about face when the get to high school. Girls that were mean and hateful in 8th grade get to 9th and realize they're not so hot and strike up friendships with girls they never would have spoken to before. It's all very, very strange.

Did you or your DD ever read the book "Queen Bees and Wannabe's"? It's pretty interesting in that it explains what goes on in 'Girl World' -- mostly that girls this age are so insecure about themselves that the only way they know to make themselves feel better is to make someone else feel bad. You might want to pick up a copy -- I've seen it at Barnes & Noble. DD read parts of it (she stopped when she felt it didn't apply to her situation) and found it very useful in understanding what was happening in her little clique. And that's really all these 'groups' of girls are -- cliques, in one form or another.

Hang in there, and tell your DD to hang in there too! Remind her that she might need to be more open to meeting other people and consider the kids who seem to be in similar positions as possible companions. They might not be the 'coolest' or the most popular kids in school, but chances are, they are lonely and would probably welcome your DD as a new friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 12:19pm
I couldn't have said it better..
I guess there's a reason educators call 8th grade the armpit of the American education system. They should just have P/E all day.
We went through the same thing, and that book should be required reading for everyone involved..Parents AND kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 12:56pm

It's all so confusing for the parents as to what to do! One thing I would recommend is not to push her too much. Trust that she knows the ins and outs and politics that occur on a daily basis, and let her feel the waters in her own time. I highly recommend the Queen Bees book. I even read it when my DS was having problems with his friends--yes, boys can be just as mean. Hopefully it will all fall into place when they reach high school.

Does your DD have an outside activity not related to her school? Perhaps she could become friendly with one of the girls there and go out with them on the weekends occasionally. Or mention something casual, like, hey DD, I'm going to the mall in a couple of hours, do you want to call so-and-so and I could drop you guys off and bring you home?

Good luck. I know it's hard--a lot of times harder on the parents who have to watch this.