Condoms appropriate?
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Condoms appropriate?
| Mon, 12-12-2005 - 1:11pm |
In your opinion, what is the appropriate age to give your son a condom?
Michelle
PS there is a long story that goes behind this, but I would like to get some other opinions before I decide if I am being reasonable or not... For the record the boy in question is 14 and does not even have a girlfriend.

I would have to somehow know(to the extent we ever can)that strong potential existed /or have him confirm that yes, mom, that would be a good idea before I could hand a condom out. I would talk first; with my middle one, he was pretty clear he already had access
They are so readily available. Here the planned parenthood van regularly parks outside the HS and distributes. I was at the health dept for my flu shot and they just have a fishbowl full sitting on the counter
I was about to agree with Pam 100%. After some thinking, though, although of course I do know it is quite different with girls, I wonder why so many feel that they must ensure the safety of their dd's against pregnancy (mainly) but don't seem to think in the same fashion about their ds's. I have talked to my own 16 y.o. ds and let him know that there are many girls his age who already want a baby. That while he may be a willing participant in the act, he better think about the consequences and not leave it up to the girl, because often they won't do a thing about it.
Having said that, I personally would not ever give my son a condom. I would probably leave that to dh, and then only if we saw that he had an ongoing relationship with a girl. I would never give a condom to a 14 y.o., though. I'm thinking more like 17 or 18, if you want ages....
For me, the appropriate age to give a teen a condom depends greatly on the teen in question, regardless of age, and his/her status in regards to having a boy/girlfriend, his/her openness with discussing the topic that goes along with giving him/her a condom, etc. There are, for me, just so many factors.
I gave my now 18dd condoms about 8 months ago (then 17) when she was 4 months into her relationship with her BF. Not because I thought they were already having sex or were going to, but because it opened up the communication about sex (even more) for us. Talking with her about sex prior to this relationship was very generic. That she actually had a BF is what prompted me to talk about it again, and the addition of condom talk is what made her feel it was necessary. I have always felt that what we want for our kids, ie, in this case for them NOT to have sex, is not always what they do - so better safe than sorry, IMO. I left the condoms in her top drawer and told her while I didn't condone her becoming sexually active, I feel stronger than she is at least safe.
My now 16dd stole a few of the condoms from her sister's drawer about a week later (she was then 15). She had no BF, no one in particular that she was hanging with. She just wanted to have them. She apparently opened one; I found it in the wrapper in her garbage (it was not used ;0). We talked about it and I told her she could keep them if she really wanted but that I still wanted her to tell me when and if she felt she was close to actually needing them.
My point is that it's not always about the age. It is about the person. If you think that your 14ds is thinking about or possibly engaging in sexual behavior, then I'd say it would be prudent for you to sit with him and have a healthy and lengthy discussion about sex overall. The discussion, based on what he has to say or contribute, will help you to consider whether or not he has access to condoms is appropriate. Best of luck.
My personal opinion on this is based on what I believe in relation to my DD's. I wouldn't put either of my Dd's on birth control unless they were sexually active or planning to become sexually active. I keep the lines of communication open with my girls and both have discussed thier needs in this area. I believe this is the key to this subject - communication.
In the case of boys, it might be a little different b/c condoms are not medication ingested by the body. Also condoms might be a little different because they can be obtained by the boy without a prescription. They are inexpensive and easily obtainable so I might would feel a little different about a boy but I would still want the lines of communication open. I insisted that I be involved in the choice of birth control for the one sexually active DD I have. I felt that at her age, she needed input from someone with a little more knowledge and experience in the area AND someone that loves her. For instance, she was interested in the patch. I discouraged her b/c I didn't feel that it had been on the market long enough. Turns out there has been a higher incidence of blood clots with the patch. You wouldn't have a need for that kind of input with a boy.
I also feel that any teen needs to have open communication with their parents about sex in the areas of the emotions involved, religious consequences, etc that they may face.
Good Luck in your decision.
I think all of the other mothers on here have a somewhat similar opinion to the one I expressed when my SS's mom wanted to give them to him for Christmas. I was so upset that I have not been able to post about it until now. This child is under psychiatric care over his inability to develop a healthy idea about sex. (Long story, but the psychiatrist feels that about 99% of his issues with impulse control and sex have everything to do with his mother)She already has very limited visitation because of all she has exposed him to...
Part of me thinks, at least she asked if it would be appropriate this time, but a larger parts says, why would she not realize it is inappropriate. On top of that, she will probably give it to him anyhow and only wanted to know if she should tell him to keep it "their little secret" like she does about so many other things.
He is just now forming his first real friendships with kids his own age. I just want him to succeed and if he has his mom pushing condoms on him, well... I just worry about what implications that will have for him. Before when his mom has exposed him to something he has felt obliged to attempt to experiment with it, sometimes to the detriment of others.
Ughh, I am just so mad right now, Michelle
Can you get to him before she does?
IOW say you know his mom will be giving him condoms any day now and you wanted to share your feelings on the subject(or DH, of course-point being, try to lessen the affect since you cant stop her)
Poor kid-as if the teen years werent confusing enough on their own..
This is a very different question now that you've shared some background with us. Giving this child condoms under these circumstances is .... forgive me, insane.
There's not much you can do about her giving them to him first, but I do agree with the poster who suggested you try to get to him first.
I'm really sorry that you're dealing with this.
Even w/o this background I would say that, for most boys, 14 is far too young to be providing condoms. Its not that I believe that no 14 yo boys ever have sex -- au contraire as I am sure some small percentage of them do. But I would suspect that it is definitely a small percentage. At that age I feel they are more apt to experiment with petting and other types of "making out" activity than full-on intercourse. Even then I would wager the vast majority of 14 yo boys haven't even had their first kiss. This changes I think as they approach 16 and maybe then discussions about condoms are warranted but if at all possible they should be had with a father or father figure.
Probably the better course to take is to ensure there is open dialogue about sex and sexuality beginning with the high school years (and maybe earlier if you have an esp precocious child). This way if the teen is thinking about engaging in sex there could be discussion about abstaining until they are older. It just seems to me that discussions with a 14 yo boy regarding sex should more about how he is too young vs how he should protect himself.
That said, each kid is different. And I see some of my 14 yo daughter's classmates who look like young men for chrissakes -- facial hair, almost 6 feet tall and hard to believe they are 14! I wonder about these kids and how they might be tempted to behave beyond their years and I intervened once on a conversation my dd had with a friend who's 14 yo "boyfriend" had a make-out session with her in her room, on her bed. And I wondered, sheesh, how much of a leap would it be for a willing couple of kids to go a bit further than a "make out session"? Not much. What I know about this particular boy is that he has been a bit of a "ladies man" for a couple of years and while we chuckle about 13 year old letharios as cute and funny -- they are the ones most likely to be engaging in sexual activity at a younger age.
I have a son and a daughter and I plan to teach both of them equally that sex is a serious matter. I wouldn't dream of putting my 14 yo daughter on the pill and I certainly wouldn't be doling out the condoms to my 14 yo son!!!!