How do I fit in?
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How do I fit in?
| Tue, 12-13-2005 - 3:12am |
I have 3 girls of my own who are wonderful and mishcevious and I have also already raised 2 teenage girls. I am now dating a man who has 1 teen age son. I feel like I have inherited an alien. He is spoiled and whines and I have no idea what to do with him. My children are by no means perfect, but they have chores and they do pick up their own clothes and dishes. They also know that in order for the house to maintain order, we all have to work together. This has never been taught to my boyfriends son. He is still in the mind that the world revolves around him. To the point that he will walk up and just tell everyone else what they are going to do if they are not currently doing what he wants. If we go out and it is not what he wants, he is suddenly ill. He whines and insists that all noise stops when he goes to bed. And the biggest problem for me is that he does not knock before he enters our bedroom. I insist that my six year old at least try to remember to do that and yet when she sees this 13 year old just walk in, what does that show her? All of this is done with his father's apparent blessing as far as I can see so far, since it does not seem to bother him at all. I care greatly for my boyfriend but must admit that his son coming to live with us this year versus just being with us for the summers has been an eye opener. I have tried gently making suggestions for what contributions the teen son could make, but my boyfriend is so happy to have his son with us that he doesn't care if his son does any of these things and he feels he will learn responsibility as he goes through high school. I have to admit, much to my own chagrin, that I have moved beyond gentle suggestions, to getting very irrate and refusing to do anything for his son or really for him. I don't see how our relationship can survive this and I know that children should always come first but I am willing to try to salvage this if anyone has any suggestions for me. Maybe I am out of line and don't understand what it is like to have an only child or a boy? Any and all advice is more than welcome. Thank you.

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First, it sounds to me that the problem is with your BF. He's the one who either did or didn't teach his son how to behave, and he's the one who's got to figure out if and when to discipline him. You can talk to your BF about your concerns, but ultimately unless he agrees with you, and sets some limits for his son, you are stuck.
Second, it's not totally surprising that a teenager would "act out" in this situation. It's a challenge to move into a strange house, and an already established family, and try to get along. Maybe he's thinking the same thing you are (the title of your post) - how do I fit in here? Being bossy and selfish may be his way of establishing his territory, his role.
Finally, if this is your BF and not your husband, maybe the son doesn't see it as something permanent. So, why should he try to get along with you - maybe you'll go away. I don't mean that I think you *should* go away, or that he's right to do this, but just that he may at some level think that if he waits you out, you'll be out of the picture and he'll have his dad back.
I would suggest that you and your BF talk this through thoroughly and then sit with all the kids and talk about what your expectations are as a family, and how you all treat each other. If your BF's son will be living with you over the long haul, maybe family counseling would help you all see each other in a better light.
HTH
Sue
It doesn't sound like you're out of line if you're expecting the boy to help around the house, pick up after himself, and be respectful of other's space, privacy and feelings.
Those are attributes we want ALL of our children to learn - something that the school doesn't need to teach them, and in my own experience, doesn't. These are things that are learned at home first, carried out in daily living and reminded of when they lapse in thier efforts.
If I were you, I would have a sit down with BF and state your intentions very clearly. If you honestly feel that your relationship does not have a future based on your BF's handling of his teenage son, then you must say so. If you don't say anything and BF doesn't make an effort to get things in order, you will become a nag, resentful and angry. All of those emotions will spill over into other areas of your relationship; your feelings will inevitably be revealed to your own daughters and they too will wind up with feelings of resentment towards the boy, BF and exxagerated loyalties to your cause. The only way to work on this is to have an intelilgent, calm and well thought out conversation with your BF and then make a decision.
IMO, if you're living together, you've basically already made the committment necessary to warrant a visit to a counselor. I recommend it. Being a step/blended family is not easy and speaking with a qualified counselor can greatly help work out the many little seemingly insignificant issues that come up in blended families - I know because I am in one. Hugs and best of luck.
ITA! One thing that helped us get things on track when my SS came to live with us was we all chose one rule of the house. The rule I chose was that my bedroom was my sanctuary and that no one could enter without permission. Since I went first, SS chose the same rule. DH chose that anyone that uses a dish should rinse it and load it into the dishwasher-he he he-I got to him before this session!
Michelle
I agree that BF needs to be brought into this as a partner. I am ever grateful to my MIL who raised four boys and two girls, all of whom were expected to do chores equally. I have a girl, and she is an only child. She is spoiled in the sense that she has us all to herself, but she is not spoiled in the sense that we wait on her, buy her whatever she wants ... that kind of stuff. She has chores and is expected to pitch in beyond that whenver the need arises.
Best of luck to you. It sounds like you've done a fine job with your girls and there is hope for this kid!
I think you are missing the forest for the trees. I have strong opinions about adults with minor children shacking up, so I am going to try and temper this post and restrain my anger. A few questions; Why have you dragged your little daughters into this situation? Why have you put them under the same roof with an unrelated adult male and an angry, unrelated teen boy? Why do you insist that your children pretend that your "boyfriend" is a husband to you and a father to them? He is neither. He is your bedmate and a way for you to assuage your loneliness. I hope he won't be just the first of several serial men in your life. It wouldn't be good for your girls.
Why don't you do the right thing and role-model fortitude and virtue for your daughters' sakes? Maintain your own home with your girls and continue dating this man if you wish, but don't subject them to your sex life.
About this young boy...I'm going to take his side here. He has already lost his first family when his parents divorced. He has been allowed to "visit" his father in the summers. Great. Just great. Now, in addition to being deprived of his father for most of the year, he has to share him with some woman and her two kids. This boy must be feeling cheated because he HAS been cheated. Your honey needs to turn 100% of his attention to rearing his son. He has to undo some damage here. He should not be subdividing his time and emotions between his son and you and your girls. His son needs ALL of his dad, and you need to back out.
By the way, in case you are wondering, I am married for 24 years with a 21 year-old daughter and two teens. Without exception, the most troubled and screwed-up of my childrens' friends were those with a shack-up at home, or where the parent was in-between shack-ups. I also work in an inpatient adolescent mental health unit and have seen the wreakage of careless and self-centered choices made by adults for too many years now. Don't delude yourself. Moving in and out with your lovers WILL damage your children and will sour their outlook on love and marriage. My colleagues and I have come to the conclusion that USUALLY the best situation for a child is for the parent to rear their children on their own, and wait to marry when the kids are up and out. I know that there will always be success stories from people who do otherwise, but statistically the odds are against them.
Anyway, I will get down off my soapbox now and put on my flame-retardant suit.
i'm sorry to say that i agree with ivdarian. I made the mistake of marrying someone just to 'be married' and give my DS a dad. it was a disasterous marriage and my poor ds (now 19) is still bearing the terrible scars. i don't even KNOW the full extent of the damages that my ex did to him.
you need to remember that *you* and *he* are dating - not any kids. and i also think that the focus of your problem is NOT this son (of course, i am not saying that his behavior is ok)- the problem is that *someone* didn't do the job of being parents to this kid. its not YOUR job --- its your BFs job and the kids mother.
if you are convinced that *this* is a relationship that you want to save - then you MUST get your entire blended 'family' into family therapy - PRONTO. and in the meanwhile ---- BUY
I'm not going to flame you. I'm going to agree with you, in a way. I'm going to agree that when a child of 15 is subjected to the disruption to his life caused by divorce, remarriages, dad with a new second family etc etc., he's going to act out in some way. Luckily this kid isn't acting out as alot do ie with the abuse of drugs and alcohol and getting involved in other criminal activity.
Kids above all crave and want security. The break-up of families is devastating at any time in life but at stages when kids are going through major changes and transitions themselves, they are even more devastating. I think we give kids more credit for "adapting" and "dealing with it" than they probably deserve. Outwardly they may appear to be handling things well but inwardly they are a mess and its going to manifest itself somehow.
When I read how this boy is behaving I can't help thinking he's trying to assert some control over things. He's telling people what to do, pulling power-plays, pushing his boundaries -- all things that imply he's feeling powerless and backed up against the wall and wanting to assert himself somehow. Why should he play along with daddy's new girlfriend? To him it probably smacks of betrayal to his mother.
I sympathize with him and yet I understand the dilemma of the poster here. I am a woman in a loveless marriage to a man who cheated on me and continues to do so and who has stated categorically that he does not want to "stay married" but we are only doing so for the sake of our children. We chose to continue to live in a sham marriage in order to give our kids some security. We saw how divorce has devastated other kids and with one child who is a teen and another child who is a preteen this is the wrong time to throw their lives upside down. I don't want my daughter to hate her father and distrust all men because that's the wrong message. And I want my son to have his dad around because even though he's a lousy husband he is a great father.
We chose our kids but at our own personal expense. I struggle regularly with loneliness and confusion and the feeling that at 41 my life is over and I have no love or affection or true companionship in my future. It is an awful way to live and its bound to occasionally affect my dealings with my kids. So I cannot say that forming a committed relationship with a loving man is "selfish" -- its a matter of survival. The trick is how to balance our personal needs with our children's requirements.
At this point what is done is done, and if moving out isn't an option, then talking to the boy, one on one, and having some empathy and respect for his situation, making him part of solution, is probably the best approach.
While I don't have much experience in the way of blended or step families, I appreciate your point of view here.
My brothers ex-wife served him with divorce papers at the hospital within hours of their son being born. Since then, she has had a revolving door on her bedroom -- two other children, 2-3 marriages, several live-ins and numerous relationships.
I have always wondered what effect this has had on my nephew (now 18 and a sr. in hs), and especially on her DD, who is just weeks older than my own DD. I can't help but think their views on committed relationships and sex are a bit messed-up. I do know that my DN is now making a practice of lying about where he is/is going and not coming home at night. I'm not terribly surprised, given what he's been provided an example of at home, nor will I be surprised when his sister begins to do the same.
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