Did I Do the Right Thing?
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| Thu, 12-15-2005 - 11:23am |
I let DD fall yesterday. Not a big fall, but one she's definitely going to feel the effects of today. DH was a little annoyed with me this morning -- "she's still a child and you are the ADULT here". Well, here's the story, I apolgoze if it's long, but I'd appreciate some input.
Overall DD is a very good kid -- honor student, good grades, etc., etc. She has quite a bit of homework every night. Typically, she stays after school for several hours until DH gets off work and picks her up. Most often, she gets her homework done during those hours, but lately she's been spending that time hanging with her friends, socializing and all that teen stuff. Most recently, she's been helping a friend stay motivated in her training for the LaCrosse team by training with her.
I am OK with this. DD does not have much of a social life away from school and we live in a pretty dead neighborhood so school and those hours after school are when and where she has her fun.
Weeks ago, we bought tickets for the Christmas Program of another high school where a friend of hers attends and sings in Show Choir. Yesteday morning, I wasn't clear on all the details and when I learned of them, I knew time was going to be tight. I send a text message during the day telling her what time the show started, when I would pick her up and to please get as much homework done as possible.
She called me just as soon as she got the message saying "but mom, this is the day I train with A!" I told her the day's schedule, that her time for homework would be extremely limited if she helped A with her training, but said in the end "it's your decision".
Well, she didn't make the best decision and got absolutely no home work done yesterday. The Christmas show was about an hour longer than I anticipated and we didn't get home until nearly 10:30 so it didn't get done when we got home either.
DH was not happy with me for not forcing the issue with her and for letting her make her own decision on this. HReally, how could I force her to make the decision I want if I'm an hour away by car? He also feels I should have bypassed the show once I learned her homework wasn't done. I told him she needed to learn to make her own decisions, learn from her mistakes and that however unfortunate, this was a great one to learn from. As well, we'd already missed two of her friends Show Choir performances and promised her we'd be at this one.
I feel bad for DD because I know she's tired from her late night and it's going to be a stressful day for her worrying about getting her homework done.
What do you think? Would you have done the same thing?
Edited 12/15/2005 11:38 am ET by julesnalpine

I think you did the right thing. My DD does the same thing - hangs out at school and then travels home with friends - sometimes her homework gets squeezed late. She's learned the hard way to 1)do homework at school or 2) come home earlier if she has lots to do or has another obligation. She has religious school on Wednesdays and at first she waited until afterwards to start her homework (starting sometimes at 8:30 or 9). A few late night squeezes, and she now does her homework either in school or at the Temple while waiting for the religious school to start.
I would have considered missing the concert, except that punishes the friend also, and your DD certainly had plenty of warning.
BTW, I'm also more than an hour away from my DD's school - and I've used the "I can't make you do it" line with her. She hates that because it means she has to take responsibility (how dare I do that!), but it usually works to teach her to make the right decisions.
The only way I would have thought you were "wrong" would be if she had something major today (big test etc), then I would have made her miss the concert.
Sue
Thanks, Sue. What made this a doubly-dumb decision is that DD has a block schedule (3 classes one day, three the next) so she actually had TWO days to get the homework that was due today done. Wonder what happened??
Early in the school year, I cautioned her -- and she agreed -- about not getting into the "I have two days to do this" mindset because she never knew how the next school day would play out, and to just get whatever homework was assigned that day, done that day. I saw last week that she was running a day behind and made mention of it -- (how dare I?!) Eye rolling, "I KNOW mom!" -- you get the picture.
I still feel bad for her BUT, it's a lesson learned.
Julie, you did the right thing. You gave your dd warning, and basically the choice was hers: she could have skipped helping the friend with training for one day, she could have skipped the concert, or she could skip the homework. In all of the choices someone is going to be disappointed, either a friend, or a parent or teacher, or dd if her grades suffer. I suspect that if the choice was between attending the concert and and something crucial like finishing a term paper or studying for a final YOU would have insisted on her staying home to do the schoolwork, and dd would have been absolved of taking responsibility for herself. IMO better to let them learn these lessons in small doses when the consequences aren't too harsh.
Don't let your dh do the "Monday morning quarterback" thing to you! Maybe he should talk to dd about her choices and time management since he is unhappy about this. Since she is going to be spending "unmanaged" hours at school for a couple of years this is probably not the only time you will have a situation like this.
You definately did the right thing. Her school sounds a lot like my dd's school (exccept for the fact that your dd's school has BOYS) and I know she will have some explaining to do today. With the commute, she could have even done some of it in the car.
As to missing the show choir concert, it sure makes sense to me to show her to honor her commitments.
jt
I would have done the same thing... DD is at an age where the kids have to start making some of their own decisions and paying the price for bad ones.... better to learn the lesson now in school than in a few years on a job.
I might take some heat on this one, but in the larger scope of things, one 0 is not going to ruin her grade in any class that assigns daily homework.