What's a Mother to Do? This is long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
What's a Mother to Do? This is long!
4
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 2:43pm

I'm new here and this is my first post to any message board. I've been reading some of the other discussions and it seems like there are a lot of caring parents here with good advice, which is what I really am looking for right now. I am fortunate to be the mom of a basically great 16 year old DD. She does well in school, has a good group of friends (most of whom I know well), holds a job, and has given my DH and I very minimal behavioral problems as a teenager. She still enjoys doing things with DH and I like trips, movies, dinner out, although her friends are very much the central focus of her life now (as they should be). She is an only child.

I just discovered today through snooping that DD got high smoking pot for the first time last Friday and lied to me about where she was going Monday evening. This was a real shocker for me as she has always been very anti-drug. We have several family members whose lives have been ruined by meth use and DD has witnessed the results of this addiction firsthand, in particular with an aunt she was very close to who lied to her about the whole situation. I even found out through snooping on her My Space site that she had an agreement with her boyfriend (also 16) that he wouldn't smoke pot anymore when they started going out. BTW, this is the same boyfriend she smoked with last weekend. It sounds like she enjoyed it and plans on doing it again. I read about this in a notebook that she and a friend pass notes to each other back and forth in which she had left on the kitchen counter along with her other school books. She has read me parts of the notes from time to time, but I know she would be extremely angry if she knew I had read it without her permission.

The situation is further complicated by the fact that she broke up with BF last week. DD and I initially had some tension between us because I felt like she should be talking to me more and she felt like I was pushing her too much to talk. We have always had a good relationship and she talks to me about a lot of things, so I wasn't sure what the problem was this time. She had told me about a week prior to the breakup that a guy at work, J, liked her and wanted to ask her out. She didn't know what to do, because she was in love with her BF, but she had had a crush on J in the past. He was a friend of a family friend, a couple years older, and they had never really talked until they wound up working at the same place five months ago. DH and I don't necessarily like the idea of DD and J dating in the first place because J is 20 and DD is 16. J several years ago was using meth quite a bit, and about a year ago got arrested for having pot in his car and is now on probation. However, he has lived with a family friend since then and has really cleaned up his act, according to her. He's been at his job now where DD works for 3 years and they just love him. Anyway, DD and I talked about her choices and she wound up telling J she had a boyfriend, could they just be friends. Then DD and BF break up! What's that all about? I know BF was devastated, because he loves her very much. His postings on My Space confirmed how hurt he was.

Ultimately DD and I had a really good, open conversation that I thought started us off fresh on the path towards a more mature relationship. Some of it was typical teenage logic. She told me if I have a concern or a question about something I should just ask her, rather than worrying about something and thinking the worst or wondering what's up. I told her that's what I had done this time, but she had resented it, so how was I supposed to know when it was okay or not okay to ask. She still told me to ask anyway. She shared a lot of personal things as well. She told me she thought J was a test, probably only meant to be a fling, she planned on getting back together with BF again (if he was still available, which she said she knew was a risk she was taking), and the biggie, that she had lost her virginity to BF because she loved him so much! We had a really good discussion about everything with a lot of talking back and forth and I think we both felt really good about it.

Thursday she and BF got back together. Big surprise! She tells J that she really cares about BF, has a lot invested in their relationship and doesn't want to give that up. She shares all of this with me. DD and BF go out Friday night. Saturday night she tells me she's going out with some friends from work (including J) because BF has to work late that night. Sunday night she goes out with a girlfriend and she tells me they went to see BF and some of his friends. Monday night she tells me she's going to pick up her best girlfriend from work (she just started working where DD does) and hang out at her girlfriend's house for a while. I was surprised, because I knew it was the only night BF didn't have to work and wondered why she wasn't planning to see him. I suspected part of the reason was also to see J at work, because it was a last minute plan that came about after several phone calls. Tuesday I tell DD, "You told me if I had a question to just ask; right?" Yeah, what did you want to ask. "I'm being nosy, but I 'm kind of confused about things. I know you and BF got back together again last week, but it seems like you're putting more time and energy into texting J and talking to him than BF. What's up with that?" And she tells me "BF and I broke up against last night." She said "We'll talk later," but we haven't. Then today I find out about her smoking pot on Friday. I also discover that on Monday she didn't go pick her friend up from work, she went to hang out at J's house with him and some of his friends.

I have lost a lot of my trust in her because she lied to me. She knows I place a very high value on her being truthful with me, and that her honesty and openness is what lets me feel comfortable allowing her to go places and do things. Since I found out through snooping that she lied to me I'm not sure how I can raise that. Is it unreasonable for me to ask her to tell me the whole makeup/breakup thing with BF and how J factors into this? What do you think about a 20 year old and 16 year old dating? I obviously will talk to her more about my concerns with her dating J now that she and BF have broken up. I figured I could bring up drug use then, since that's one of my concerns with J because of his past, and kind of find out what her thinking on that is without saying I actually know anything. Since she's 16 and can drive and works with J, I know it's unrealistic to say she can't see him. I think she'd feel like we were just trying to get her back together with BF again. I'm just looking for any comments or suggestions anyone might have on handling these concerns. Thanks so much for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 7:48pm

Wow, you do have a whole lot going on here!


As far as the boys go, I think I'd stay out of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 7:43am

Hugs to you!!


I almost feel like I could have written the same post. My 16yo DD is also a very good girl. She is a good student when pushed. She has nice friends and does the regular high school things that you mentioned. She also has (or had?) a boyfriend for almost 2 years. We got to know him really well and like him alot. She was a freshman and he a junior when they first started dating. Now she is a junior and he is at college - nearby and comes home often. There is alot of tension between them this school year - probably due to the fact that he went to college. I was told over the summer that they broke up, but they still hung out together and I saw them holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc. Very confusing!! Now she is interested in a senior boy at school and has become sneaky. She is lying to me about her whereabouts. She snuck him to our house when we weren't at home and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 11:03am

I'll echo the sentiments of the other posts and suggest you let your DD work the boyfriend thing out on her own. There will most likely be hurt feelings on the parts of the boys involved, but there's not much you can do there.

As far as reading her myspace, here's my take -- anything that gets posted on the internet is open to viewing and/or reading by anyone on the planet who has a computer. If there is something a person doesn't want known or to be made public knowledge, then it shouldn't be put into a venue like myspace. My teen doesn't have a myspace page, (I've pretty much told her 'no' on that one) but I have a sign-on and I HAVE looked at the pages of her friends and other kids in the area. DD knows I do this, has looked at it with me, and you'll find that most of the posters here will confess to doing the same.

I do think you need to address the issue of the lying and drug use with her. Like others said, you don't have to say how you know, just that you do know. It is amazing how news travels around. A year or so ago, DD got solicited via e-mail by some guy claiming to want to pen pal. SHE didn't tell me, but she told a friend, who told another friend, who told her mother, who told someone else, who then finally called me and told me. See how things work?

Best of luck to you!

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 10:22am

The teen years are the biggest challenge in parenting and each child makes us approach them differently. First, as the others have said, you need to let your DD figure out the b/f situation herself without adding pressure. It is one thing to be close to your child, it is another to consistantly expect to be involved in everything thing they do or think. My DD & I are very close and we survived her teen years enriching our relationship. I knew much of what was happening & I was (and still am) here anytime she wants to talk about anything but I don't expect to know everything about her life. I don't question every decision she makes. Letting go is hard but they need you has a safety net not as the sole provider of direction in their lives. I'm not sure I understand why you were snooping because your DD seemed like a good girl until you found out about the pot & lying. I never snooped on my 2 oldest kids but everything was open for me to read & seach with my youngest DS. The difference was that he couldn't be trusted.

You need to bring up the pot and the fact you know she has been smoking it. But keep your questions & comments to yourself about the b/f situation unless asked. Good luck, you are a caring Mom who only wants what is best for her DD. Dee