Would you allow this? Opinions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Would you allow this? Opinions?
8
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 11:51pm

Ok dd is l8 and bf is also l8 and attends college just 20 minutes away in same state. A really quick drive. They are on the phone all the of the time, so they don't get to see each other often not eveyday but he does come in alot during the week.

Here is the deal ...he works until 12 12 30 p.m. My DH sees absolutely nothing wrong with him coming over at this hour. I do !! They huddle in the office with the door locked and closed (DH brainstorm) and they wait till everyone is in bed then come downstairs, and he will stay, at times till 3 00 AM!!!!

I have a problem with this for a muliplicity of reasons if curfew is 12 or 1 it does not mean it's continued here. DH argument is they are here, not out gettin drunk in some god forsaken place. I just think it is a matter of respecting the house, us and the time.

they just saw each other day before yesterday, will see each other for bfast tomorrow mid a.m. and then stay out till like 3 00 p.m. till work starts again. DD complained there is no privacy for them, so what does he do, offer them his office with door shut, and locked which imo is bs. Again, when everyone is in bed, they come downstairs to main room to "watch tv" LOl...not.

Would anyone allow your kids to have guests at this ridiculous hour. My dh really is over the top on saying yes to just about everything with her. Too much ..and btw the boy's parents are not too happy that dd has NO guidelines or cut off times either they find it crazy, as do i.

Thanks sooo much

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 12:19am

At 18 there isn't much you can do without pushing her away and she'll soon be in her own place or find another place to go.

Hugs, Jade 

Growth is an erratic forward movement:  two steps forward, one step back.  Remember

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 9:50am

First, I had better warn you that I'm not a big fan of curfews. I have used them when my children weren't able to handle their own decisions but most of the time I expected them to make the right choice. Teens are physically more drawn to being night owls and this is a stage like many things. I would be up to 4 or 5am with my b/f when I was a teen but expected to give my Gramma breakfast at 8. I wouldn't make it hard for the kids to see each other but I would expect them to respect your sleep & privacy. The 3 am won't work if they are keeping you awake with their TV noises. I also don't believe that anyone needs to be locked behind a closed door (unless wrapping Xmas presents)! Your DH has gone too far there, they can be in his office alone but the door doesn't need to be locked. Sex will happen anytime of the day & any place. Let's not make it even easier by giving them a locked room.

<>

If they don't like their DS's hours then they need to handle it not expect someone else to control their DS's behaviour!

Dee

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 12:04pm

No, I wouldn't. You are in a tough spot because your dd is 18 and "an adult" even though she is still in HS and completely dependent on you; and because your dh seems to have very different ideas about how to parent her. While your dd is dependent on you for her support and needs to maintain your good will so you will continue to pay for her future expenses (IMO paying for college is NOT a parental obligation but something that most of us would like to do for our kids) then she needs to show respect and cooperation by behaving in certain ways. Unfortunately many 18yo's don't quite grasp these concepts yet!

We had house rules about limited socializing on schoolnights until the end of HS. We also had expectations about grades to be maintained. And if kids are regularly up until 3am and getting up for school at 6 or 7am their health is going to suffer, not to mention that they are probably sleeping through classes. You recently told us on POCS that your dd's grades are sliding, and she expects you to pay for her to attend college. I would probably start there as a reason to tighten up the rules on schoolnights. When her HS GPA is back up to 3.5 she can renegotiate the rules! She can see the bf late on weekends.

Why do she and her bf need to be in the office until you go to bed, why do they need that level of privacy? If they are having sex or drinking in there it shows a lack of respect for you. If they are not "doing anything" then they can be in the "public" of the living room or den and then have privacy later.

The bf keeping late hours is not your concern since he could be doing that even when he's not with your dd. Once you establish the hours that he can be at your house you should tell him personally what they are, not rely on your dd to tell him something. He might have a harder time disregarding it when he got it directly from you.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 7:37pm

When I was 18 and in love for the first time all I could think of, eat, sleep, everything was my bf. Its part of that first rush of young love. My parents were pretty decent about letting him come over and stay the whole day because, frankly, they didn't want me going out alone with him. They were concerned about what we might *do* if we were alone somewhere and this way we were under their supervision.

Let me tell you that when it came time for me and bf to get the urge to *do* anything we found more than enough opportunity outside of the home. Where there is a will there is a way. But my parents raised me with very strong values and frankly, although I met my bf at 18, I didn't go any further than kissing and petting until I was 21. So just because they want privacy doesn't mean that too much is going on.

Its just that when there is that first rush of love, having moments alone together to talk or listen to music or just stare into each other's eyes is so important. And at this point in my life I look back at those times quite fondly. How quickly time flies and how quickly those wonderful first rushes disappear. Life is short -- too short to have to be putting time limits and schedules and deadlines around precious moments. If these hours and times aren't interfering with her schoolwork and they aren't causing any damage or disruption around the house and if you are comfortable that your daughter is responsible enough to deal with the implications of such a close relationship then what's the harm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 11:29pm
I'm with you - I don't think she needs to have her bf over until 3am.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 9:07am

Would I allow my kids to have guests at this ridiculous hour?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 11:04pm

The harm is he only comes over at night, stays wayyy late, wknds included does disrupt the families sleep sometimes and rite now while she is still in high school and he in college she is having him over, and every time there is NO time spent in common area.

Congrats to DH for creating a monster in giving them a ridiculous amt of privacy. And as far as bf's and making out that for out of the house not in it. My DH went way too far in lending HIS office for them to horse around in there. All I hear is giggling. Tonite I told her come down to living room. She has been out with him all day. This has become a worrisome obsession vs. lst true love. I am glad at l8 I was mature enough to know the difference and have enuf respect for my parents that this crap would never be permitted in my house at that age. Gonna have a talk with DH and let him know they CAN and WILL spend "some" time down in common room. they don't do this crap at his house. I could of course do this myself but DH and I are sooo different in our ideas of what should and shouldn't happen UrGh...

thanks...

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 11:26am
I agree with you. My 18dd's BF has to leave by 12:30 AM on Fri/Sat nights and by 10PM Sun-Thurs. That's out of respect for and in consideration of US, the rest of the family. He occasionally falls asleep while they are watching a DVD, but not a lot. And they are never allowed behind a closed and locked door. My feeling is, if they need that kind of privacy, they can go pay for it. Not in my house. Uh uh, no closed doors with boys in the room - unless they are wrapping my Christmas present, of course! LOL