16-year old is LAZY

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
16-year old is LAZY
10
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 6:56pm
My 16-year-old is the oldest of three children so I am always wondering how "normal" her behavior is. She has really become lazy in the past year. When I ask her to help with simple things around the house, they only get half done. I practically have to follow her around to make sure she finishes a simple task like folding a basket of her laundry and then putting the clothes in the drawers! Ugh. I am getting so frustrated. She often brings her boyfriend over and they sit and watch TV. He is more helpful than she is. Today I really got angry with her because she just kept sitting around when I had been asking her to pick up the bags of chips and put them away. Finally the boyfriend did it. I wonder what HE thinks! She doesn't seem depressed at all. Most of the time she is in a good mood. I also really think she should get some exercise. She is not overweight at all, but I think she would feel more energetic if she exercised. She always talks about little aches and pains. I just think she needs to get off her butt, but I can't seem to motivate her. Any advice?
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:29am

Sorry I don't have any advice, but I'm watching this post to see if anyone else does! My 14 year old stepson is the same way and DH gets furious with him. He actually gets little spells where he's quite helpful, but they last a day or two and then it's back to sitting on the couch playing video games unless we're chasing after him to do something. We own a horse boarding and training stable, and one of the horses here is his (interesting compromise - he desperately wanted a puppy for his birthday last year, and DH & I KNEW we'd wind up taking care of it, so when a horse he really loved came up for sale, we got him the horse instead, because in our situation, it's easier for us to take care of the horse than a puppy!). In return for keeping the horse, he's supposed to work around the barn for a couple of hours a week. Sometimes he does, most of the time he just goes down to the barn and flirts with the teenage girls that come here and sometimes he doesn't go down at all. When DH loses his temper and yells at DSS, that helps for a few days and then it's back to normal.

As far as your DD's boyfriend goes, that's what my friend and I call the "Other People's Children" syndrome. My friend comes over in the evenings and teaches riding lessons here, and she brings her 2 daughters, ages 13 and 9. These girls are great - I have them doing all kinds of chores, the older one handles the horses really well (and she usually ends up doing the chores DSS was supposed to do) and the younger one loves to sweep more than anything else in the world. She says when they're home, it's all she can do to get them to take turns emptying the dishwasher! And I've had DSS's friends parents say how helpful he is at their house, too - sounds like a different kid to me! We were thinking we should just trade our kids every now and then...

Good luck!

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:57am

I have a few thoughts:

First, she has figured out the perfect way to get under your skin. You are super-fitness, she'll be super-not. The more you follow her around and nag her, the more she "wins" in getting you aggravated. I don't mean that this is "on purpose", it's just one of the ways that teens operate - against whatever their parents are pushing.

Second, labeling her as "lazy" doesn't help.

Third, approach this with her as a partner - in a respectful way. If you negotiate a deal with her, maybe she'll be more willing to go along. And maybe there's a compromise. For example, if my DD's clothes are not in her drawers, but are on top of her desk becasue she doesn't put them away, it only affects her. What do I care if she can't find the shirt/socks/underwear she wants? If it's important to her, she'll do it. What I mean is, let some things go; let her make the decisions. Figure out what's negotiable and what's not negotiable, and then negotiate.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 8:50am

She's not lazy, she's 16. That says it all! I remember being that age and wondering what the big deal was---who cares if it isn't 'perfect'. Now I watch my kids do things and CRINGE---and believe me, my own housekeeping skills aren't that great. We had a very elderly dog that had incontince issues at the end of her life----my oldest never managed to 'see' the messes-----even if a smelly mess was left near him..........because we had a rule if you 'see it, clean it up'......it's AMAZING how poor his eyesight became!!

I had a father that was very demanding and a 'clean freak' Somehow I didn't inherit that gene...........but even though my own housekeeping skills are less than perfect, I can't believe that my own kids try to avoid cleaning and do such a half-baked job.

I don't have any advice---but good luck anyway!
Shels

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 9:26am

You must have my 16dd's twin living at your house! She also is lazy, IMO. Her room is a nightmare, she leaves her glasses or bowls from whatever she's eaten in the living room, etc. She begrudgingly helps with laundry, but like you, I have to practically stand over her to see that it gets done. She leaves wet towels on her bedroom floor, as if they will be miraculously hung to dry on thier own! I wish I could say that her BF were any better. When he's over, it's double duty laziness! Hahaah - not really all that bad, but she seems even more resistent when he's around. She does have a best friend who comes over and helps out a lot. This friend has jumped to attention on more than one occasion when I've asked my dd to do a chore like take out the garbage or walk the dog. I literally have to tell the friend to sit and make dd do it.

It's annoying, and very TT behavior I think. My 18dd went through it and then suddenly, she's more helpful again. Just stay on it.

ps: I do agree with you about the exercise. I think my dd needs to get up and move at least 20 minutes a day, whether it be on the trampoline or walking the dogs, but something. She's always so tired and just wants to lay around. I've been trying to get her moving forever - I make her take vitamins and drink water. Lately she's been into soda, which is something I don't buy - she buys it and keeps it in her room and in her locker at school. I hate that she's consuming so much soda, even if it is decaf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 1:35pm

hi - i know how you feel, but you should be careful about "labeling" your child -even if its just in *your* mind. lazy, liar, manipulative, slutty, etc - these are labels we need to be careful about because they really make us focus on their 'bad' side instead of on their 'whole' character.


your dd is 16 - and 16 YO can be just like you are describing. there are ways to get her a little more motivated - one idea that jumped to mind is to cut out the 'messy' snacks. IOW - if there ae no potato chip bags around --- there is less of a mess.


as for motivating your child to exercise - that's a tough one - and when you get an answer, let me know!!

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 2:15pm
Boy does it EVER sound like our daughters are twins!! I've been feeling bad about myself today thinking I was asking too much of her yesterday and staying on her all evening about picking up and getting other work done(while BF was there). She does have to juggle school,homework, a PT job, her boyfriend. But we all have to learn to do it as adults. She will have to get used to the idea. I will give her some space now for awhile, I guess, since I think I made my point yesterday. It sure does help to know others are experiencing this with their teens too. By the way, her boyfriend is 18... maybe that is why he is starting to pick up now. lol
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 4:45pm

OK. Take this for what it is worth. My DD is 13 (going on 20) and until recently was an only child. We now have a new baby (so we are starting all over). Anyway, she is exactly like your daughter. We can't get her to do any chores....she used to complain because we would hound her as soon as she walked through the door from school. I finally had enough last week. She started her laundry on Saturday and on Monday it was still unfinished and piled on the floor in my laundry room. So.. I cleaned it for her...by dumping all the clothes into a trash bag and hiding it. She lost everything because she didn't care enough about the items to put them away. You can apply this to TV, computer, items on the floor in her room, etc. You can even limit her to one dish and one glass for the week and make her wash it off after each meal. Seems harsh but sometimes that's what it takes. A while back we actually removed all the lightbulbs from her bathroom and bedroom before because she kept forgetting to turn them off.

How does she get them back? She begged and pleaded and yelled that I was unfair... "She only had 1 pair of pants for school that week.....waaahhhhh!"
She basically has to "Earn" each piece back. For each chore she completes, she gets to pick out of the bag. If this doesn't work, the items are going to goodwill. So far, so good.

Good luck to you

Karyn

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:34pm
Wow... I'm interested to know if this continues to work. You are right when you say sometimes you have to be on the harsh side to get things to sink in. My other two kids require a different approach, but this one might work for the 16-year-old. Oh my, I can just hear the comments... "this is so dumb!" "What am I supposed to wear? You took all my clothes." By the way... what did your daughter tell her friends? She probably didn't admit that it was a result of not taking care of her clothes, or did she? My daughter would probably say something like I took her clothes away for "no reason." Sometimes those things bother me a little, but I'm starting to be less bothered by what she says. Lately, I just let her vent and have finally gotten her father to not get emotionally involved too. Then I talk to her later when things calm down and explain why I've done things the way I have. I have been trying to fight my guilty feelings when she gets emotional. I used to thing everything was my fault... if only I had handled things differently when she was little. With alot of help from this board and some books, I am figuring out how not to go crazy with teens. For everyone's help and advice, I am thankful. I seem to find a little piece of help from each person.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 5:48am

We've done the taking away and hiding things approach, too, but only for big stuff, like when he leaves his bike out in the rain. DSS is pretty good about keeping his things in his room (which is a mess most of the time, but I can always close the door!); with us it's more a matter of just sitting around playing video games instead of doing chores or studying for school. He brought home a really bad progress report from school last week, so he's had some forced study time lately, which has curtailed the video game playing for now. DH really lost his temper with DSS last night - DH wanted DSS to help him with something in the barn, and DH emphasized that he was in a hurry (we're still getting used to DH's night shift schedule and we end up running behind a lot lately), and I couldn't help because there were other things I had to do before we picked up the baby from the sitter. DSS spent about an hour shuffling around the barn & talking to the girls and never did what he was supposed to, which meant DH had to do it by himself and he was FURIOUS! Which means, DSS will be an angel for the next few days, until the impact of his Dad yelling at him wears off and then we start over again.

By the way, while all this was going on last night...my friend was giving a riding lesson here last night, and her 13 year old daughter helped me finish all my chores early so I could help DH finish up!

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2006
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 11:04am
My daughter is 13 yo and sounds just like everyone describes. She has a problem with doing jobs within a reasonable amount of time and gets mad when I ask her to do it again. It's not like I ask her to do a lot of jobs around the house because she works really hard in school and does well and I feel I should give her a break. But I don't think that's going to be working too much longer. She's extremely rude sometimes and is even worse to my husband and sometimes doesn't even say good night to him even if he's in the same room. It makes me so mad. My husband and my daughter have had their fair share of fights over the last couple of years which he now admits were his fault and wrong but she doesn't seem prepared to forgive him for anything and she fights him on everything now. It's hard to believe this is the same girl who we felt so happy and grateful to have around just a short while ago.
All your advice is great - It's comforting to hear that so many other people are going through this too. Any other advice about her rudeness would be helpful.