Young teens with boyfriends/girlfriends

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Young teens with boyfriends/girlfriends
5
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:35pm

I'm just curious because this seems to me to be a relatively new "phenomenon" or at least it wasn't as prevalent when I was a very young teen. I'm speaking of 12, 13, 14 year olds having "boyfriends" and "girlfriends". Its something I was pretty much unaware of until my daughter started telling me about her friends who were "going out with" someone of the opposite sex. The latest is one of her male friends in 9th grade who is dating one of her other female friends who is in 7th grade (!).

I asked her exactly what it meant for a 14 yo and a 12 yo to be "dating" when neither of them can actually physically go out on a date (esp since I know the 12 yo's mom and she is very strict with her daughter's comings and goings). And she said that although they call each other "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" its all for show.

It may be all for show but there's something about it that kind of bugs me. What bugs me is that (a) it seems that these young teens cannot seem to figure out how to relate to each other or have a close friendship without making it somehow romantic and (b) I think it diminishes the true meaning of a having a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Maybe I'm traditional this way but I never called any of my male friends "boyfriends"(even those where we sometimes had more than just platonic relationships) until I had a relationship that was exclusive and serious. I had my first boyfriend at 17 and to me it was a true relationship in that we pledged our mutual "admiration" for each other and that we were only going to see each other and no one else. There was a certain level of trust and intimacy and emotional connection that was deeper than any of the other guys I knew in the past. That made him my "boyfriend" and it was a special distinction compared to the guys I maybe went to a movie with or made out at a party with or something like that.

My daughter has a friend who seems to be calling a new guy her "boyfriend" every couple of weeks. She's pledging her love and devotion and then a few weeks later having a huge dramatic "breakup". To her these feelings are extremely real in that she's in tears every time there's a breakup. What kind of effect is this kind of thing going to have on her psyche over the long run? All these huge highs and lows and dramas.

My advice to my daughter on this subject is that having a "boyfriend" is a serious step. That she should meet and learn to relate with alot of boys and take her time figuring out if there is someone who's a little more special than the rest. And that she shouldn't be calling a guy her "boyfriend" unless she's prepared to deal with the implications of that title. That is, being faithful to him and trusting and possibly dealing with some heartache in the future because not all romantic relationships have a happy ending. Its also I think about learning that all relationships with the opposite sex, even people we really like, don't need to involve romance. That we can enjoy the company of someone for who they are without needing to make them a romantic partner.

She's on side with that but its got to be extremely difficult for teens with all the pressure around them to "pair up" with someone even at such a young age. I worry about her over the long run thinking that there is something wrong with her when so many of her close friends are getting into all these romantic entanglements.

I'm curious on the perspective of parents here of young teens. Do you have teens with "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" and if so, how do you deal with the fallout of these relationships when these kids are so young?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 6:15pm

Both of my boys 'went out' with a girl for the first time in 7th or 8th grade.

Pam
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 6:15pm
I have a dd 16, ds 15, dd 11 and they all had these "boyfriend/girlfriends" when they were 11-14. For them it was not a big deal. They basically found the other person attractive and didn't really go anywhere with them or even talk to them much. Once in awhile there would be a note passed. When the two older ones were in 7th and 8th grade, I let them go with mixed groups of kids to movies. That seemed okay and they all sort of helped each other figure out what to say to one another. Now the 15 and 16 year olds have a real girlfriend and boyfriend. For the 16-year old daughter, I'd say I worry a little. She has always been kind of shy and has fallen hard for this boy. He is her first real love, and I do worry about what happens if things don't work out. She talks about spending the rest of her life with him. I have tried convincing her to see other guys, after all, she is a beautiful girl. She just doesn't want to. But, everyone has to walk their own path I guess. In retrospect.... going back to when she had a BF as a 12- 13 year old... I think it had either no effect or a slight positive effect on how she is now. Being on the shy side, at least she had talked to a boy in the past. I don't know. My son is a good communicator now and has no problem talking to girls, but when he had a GF at age 12... he wasn't talking to her, so again, I'd say it was no big deal.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 5:23am

My 14 year old DSS has had "girlfriends" for a couple of years now and while DH and I find the concept of "going out" with someone you don't actually go anywhere with a little confusing, it seems harmless. It basically means you write their name on your school notebooks, talk on the phone (the last one liked to send text messages on her cell phone) and write notes to each other. Once in a while, a group of kids will go to the arcade at the mall or to the movies, but even that's rare. And from what I've seen, DSS doesn't seem to be in any hurry to take things any further than that. Maybe it's just their way of learning how to interact with the opposite sex before they start "going out" with someone the way we used to.

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 11:57am

I find these answers interesting and enlightening. To provide a little background I grew up as the child of Italian immigrants. They brought with them their traditions and practices from their culture. And in that culture, "dating" was something one didn't do until one was of marrying age. In fact, it was a very serious step and having casual relationships with the opposite sex was frowned upon. I grew up in an inner city neighbourhood where practically everyone around me came from silimar immigrant backgrounds with very traditional cultures. Being attracting to the opposite sex wasn't even spoken of until one was 18. Any casual "dating" I might have done was strictly under cover and my parents weren't even aware of it. So to me and to many of my friends who grew up as children of immigrants we didn't have the experience of boyfriends and girlfriends in middle school because, frankly, our parents would "kill" us if they even heard we were thinking that way.

So while me and my friends had alot of crushes and maybe, as you said, scrawled the name of our crush on our notebooks, we never really felt free to act on those crushes at a young age. There was no opportunity and there was no permission to do so.

I admit that hearing of 12,13,14 year olds play-acting at having relationships is a new thing to me with my daughter. I certainly don't want to inflict my views on her and come off as some old-fashioned paranoid mother but I also see her interacting with alot of boys and girls in different ways without her calling it "dating". And she is a very sensitive and caring girl and I would worry about her falling hard and fast and then getting her heart broken.

I guess its just being a protective mom and having had a few really bad experiences myself. I also saw alot of fallout around me from failed relationships and some of them were really scary. So thanks for the perspective -- I guess I just have to relax about it all eh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 4:52pm

I am in this situation with my oldest DD. She's 13 and has been "going out with" her bf for a little over a year. The biggest issues we've faced are her preoccupation with sex and sexual behavior, and in going to extreme lengths to find ways to spend time with this boy. She developed physically earlier than her friends and is receiving all kinds of attention from boys of all ages. I've asked for advice on this very topic here before and have received good feedback.

My two cents: if your relationship with your daughter is open and you can talk with her about sex and relationships, and if she is trustworthy in general, you probably have little to worry about. It bothered me for a long time, too, that they're starting to pair off so young. My DD is not trustworthy and we do not have a lot of open dialogue so we're really struggling and I'm frightened for her. We are in counseling and are taking baby steps--I just need to take enough of them fast enough to help keep her out of serious trouble. She seems to base her own self worth on the male attention she receives, but that's off topic.

I "went with" boyfriends in middle school but I was not allowed to date by any definition until I was 16. My DD knows that is her timeline, also. She hates it and it's hard on her because there are girls in her class who are allowed to do things one-on-one with their boyfriends. My husband, DD's Dad, and I are just not comfortable with it so we're sticking with our rules and will just have to weather the storm.

Good luck!