Faith & Christmas?
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| Fri, 12-23-2005 - 9:15am |
Hi everyone,
I've been lurking only a short time but haven't seen anything like my problem addressed. So thanks in advance for your advice. My son is a fairly good kid, his grades are our biggest problem... or they were.
About a month ago I googled my son's name. (He is almost 17.) Only one thing came up and it looked very strange so I went there. I had to join to see what he'd had to say about himself, and I was horrified.
Apparently for the past 2 years he's been claiming to be an atheist. All the way up until day before yesterday. He quit posting on that first site, but I began to check up on his e-mails and im's. All the same. I told my son about googling his name and what I'd found, but he doesn't know that I'm now monitoring all his convos and e-mails now. And mostly they're just boring stuff, but this atheist thing has me really going. Yikes!!
He wasn't raised this way. We don't attend church as much as we used to, but we are a very spiritual family, or so I thought we all were. He was raised in the church, so I don't see how not attending but a few times in the past 3 years can suddenly "make" someone an atheist, you know? And when I did try to talk to him about it, he wouldn't speak at all, just turned around and left. His father said something to him once, but not in the right tone of voice... finding this out has made my husband really mad.
So I don't understand what's happened here. He's never mentioned anything like this at home. I just read this morning that he only celebrates the "gift-giving" aspect of Christmas.
I'm just sick. I feel horrible about this Christmas and what it means for him. I'm carrying through like nothing's happened. But honestly, I don't want to have X-mas with him next year if he's still saying he's an atheist.
Am I wrong to feel this way?
Chris

Hi Chris,
Most people - at one time or another -question their faith. It is not unusual for teens to explore the idea of athiesm. If I were you, I would drop the subject completely and carry on with your Christmas traditions as if nothing has changed. If you typically attend a church service at Christmas and he has always been expected to attend, I would tell him he was to attend with the family as always.
Try not to make a big deal out of it - most likely he will come around.
jt
To start this off, I'm a teenager myself, I'm only 15, but I really think I can see where your son is coming from.
When kids go to church, and are raised religiously, they don't "decide" this is the right thing. They just go along with whatever mom says, the church says, whatever. It's not until they're around 13ish, that they actually look deeper into their faith and also realize, "hey, there's other stuff out there, I don't HAVE to believe this. There's other options". This is, of course, natural, as that's what being a teen is all about: experimenting, testing limits, finding your values, and ultimatly, "finding yourself".
He's not going to talk about it unless you're understanding. You don't have to be supportive exactly, but you at least have to understand. That's probabably why he hadn't mentioned it before.
Alot of atheists celebrate Christmas. And one thing, your son said he celebrated Christmas for the "gift giving" aspect, NOT the "gift getting" aspect. That's a good sign, I think. The main theme of Christmas, without the religious part, is giving. It's not that bad to celebrate giving to others.
Unless he starts vehemently protesting going to church, I'd still insist he goes. Going to church might help sway him back to his faith. If he's not protesting, he is probably still getting something out of going to church. And he probably will go back to his faith, eventually. However, until then, being against his atheism and trying to "force" him to believe what you believe would undermine the independance he has being 17, almost a legal adult.
Good luck!
The posts so far have been very wise. Most people go through periods of their lives where they either (a) question their faith, (b) challenge the teachings of their particular religion or, (c) claim to be of a certain religion put not actively practicing it. Its normal to go through these cycles.
One of the best gifts we can give our children is the gift of critical thought. We don't want our kids to learn that they should blindly follow anything -- even a religious faith. He needs to feel it on his own or it becomes meaningless and hypocritical. Maybe someday he'll come around but in the mean time don't push it or there is a danger that it will become a form of rebellion.
And in the meantime, as for Xmas, I know a Russian emigre who was brought up with no faith at all. The Communist culture she was raised in frowned upon organized religions and even after the country began to grant more freedoms to people, she had no interest in following a faith because she knew nothing of it. She tried to attend church services but felt nothing and could not even grasp the concept. But she still celebrates Christmas. She says that for her, it is still meaningful in that she sees it as a time to gather with family and friends and share her time and talents and good will. These are things that transcend religion.
So don't worry too much about it -- be grateful that he is with you, happy, healthy and still part of the family. The religious stuff will work itself out over time.
Most of the traditions of Christmas predate Christianity. Feel free to put up a tree, exchange presents, put up bright lights, have a feast, and gather together for a party, all as a celebration of the winter solstice.
Unless of course what you're really wanting to do is punish your son for expressing his belief in something different from yours.
ILR
i agree with the others - i actually wen tthru this with my son who is an athiest (he believes in some kind of gods or powers)
Thanks to both you and pay_it_forward.
What you've both said makes alot of sense. I didn't actually find my own faith until I was in my 20's, but I never disbelieved and that's really what's troubling me so much about him.
And one other thing that keeps niggling at the back of my mind -- I had a boyfriend when I was 17 that was murdered. He always told me he was an atheist and I've worried about that for over 25 years now.
Thanks again, and payasa, you sound like a very smart young lady.
Chris
If there's one thing my son excels at, it's "critical thought." Almost too much for me sometimes!
But you were right, I should have let it go, but we ended up in an argument yesterday. But that's it. The first and last one ever (about that, at least).
And I am grateful for him. Thanks for reminding me.
Chris
<<>>
I don't know why you'd say that. We are carrying on with Christmas this year like there's nothing's wrong. But I'd be lying if I said it hasn't taken some of the "sparkle" off for me.
It was next year that I didn't know if I wanted to do again, but I will. I know I will.
Thanks for your reply,
Chris
I'm a little late in responding, but just wanted to give you my opinion. You might also post this on the Christian Parenting board although I know it's incredibly slow over there. Speaking as a fellow Christian, I know how heartbroken I would be to hear that one of my children considered themselves an atheist. Of course, I would wonder where I'd gone wrong but I hope in the end I would come to the same conclusion others have come to -that it may be a natural progression of coming to the faith on his own. There are quite a few christians who went through periods of questioning and/or atheism (C.S. Lewis being among the most famous) and came back to the faith on their own. As the Bible itself states, "Bring up a child in the way of the Lord and when he is older he will not depart from it." I'm paraphrasing here, but the verse means to me that if you have brought your child up in the faith, modeling what your faith means to you, and talking to your child about it, etc. then even though there will naturally be a period of questioning he or she will come back eventually (sure there are exceptions of course).
As others, I would really caution you against letting him know about your attachment to his being a Christian. Naturally, you have one, but if he is going through a rebellious stage, he may just have to rebel against your faith as well. KWIM?
You and your husband cannot make him believe. I think you know that there is only One who can truly bring your child to Him. I would pray about it, alot, and probably do nothing else. And of course, continue to celebrate CHRISTmas the way you always have.
Forgot to add that if your ds is the reading kind, you might encourage him to read the apologetics - among them of course C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. I also recommend Lee Strobel's (a former atheist) The Case for Christ. In his exploration of the truth, I would encourage him to explore Christianity as well.