How big a problem is this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
How big a problem is this?
8
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 4:26pm

DH accidentally found a note my 14 year old stepson wrote (it really was by accident, our 2 year old picked it up from the room he shares with his brother and brought it out to DH). It was to a girl he had met last weekend while staying at a friend's house, and it said something to the effect of "I had a great time, from what I can remember". DH is a recovering alcoholic (sober 7 years) and his worst fear is DSS starting to drink. I never thought that would be an issue - DSS remembers bad situations from when DH used to drink (which was before I really knew him), and his Bio Mom...let's just say she drinks a lot and save any other opinions of her for another board! I thought DSS would just have too many bad experiences relating to alcohol to ever try it himself, at least not until he was in college or something. The friend he was staying with may be experimenting, though, and I could see DSS going along with the crowd in the heat of the moment. My thought would be to not let him stay over there anymore, which would create a touchy situation but be worth it. The family is sort of friends with us - we're in the same business (we both own horse boarding/training barns) but we're not competitors (we specialize in different areas of the sport, so we have different customers) and we occasionally socialize with them. They're really nice people and mean well, but their supervision of the kids is a bit lax.

So, do we confront DSS with the note (hey, I don't understand half the things kids say, maybe it means something totally different), or try to bring up the topic in another way (as if we hadn't seen the note, although DSS always says he thinks alcohol is really bad when we do discuss the topic) or make excuses to not allow him to stay with this friend, or just say nothing and watch him like a hawk? (Bad idea to say nothing...when DH sits on something and doesn't talk about it, it makes for a BIG problem later on!). We agreed not to ruin Christmas for the kids, so we're going to keep quiet (and watchful) until Monday, but I figured I'd pick everyone's brain here and see what you all thought.

Thanks!

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 3:56am

your DSS's parents are alcoholics. his mother is still an addict, his father is a recovering alcoholic. this means that your DSS picked up certain modes of behavior from his parents - who are addicts. I am not saying this to put down yoru husband and i think its great that he has overcome his addiction - i am just pointing this out because it sounds like this is a topic that hasn't been dealt with vis a vis your DSS. you can't just assume that he is going to be 'against' drinking, just because he saw how it affected him. he is 14 and he cannot be expected to be able to make those connections - yet. what he DOES have is the behaviorisms and characteristics that go hand in hand with addictions. its like kids who are raised by abusive parents - they hate it , they swear that *they* would never hit their kids - but unless they get help and some sort of psychological 'reprogramming' they are going to be exactly like their parents were. its part of our socialization process and its not even a totally concious process. so----sometimes its not the worst thing to be 'exactly like your parents'. and sometimes its unhealthy but not harmful (for example, in my house, money was never discussed and i grew up thinking that money would just always 'be there'.... yeah, not very rational or mature but that was how i was raised). and in cases of abuse or addiction- well, that is a whole different ball game.


your DSS needs help. I would sit down and talk to him. try to stay focused on the contents of the note and not on the fact that you read a private note. it is important that your husband is part of this conversation. and it is important that you don't start trashing the mother over this. there are support groups like ala-teen that can probably help you out here.


good luck.

Avatar for scoutnut
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 11:41am

You can not just assume that children of alcoholics will become alcoholics unless they are "re-programed".

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 1:05pm

i wasn't implying that DSS will become an alcoholic - what i meant was that he probably picked up some unhealthy thought processes because his parents are/were alchoholics. being an addict means that alot of lying, manipulatin, etc was going on. that's the way that addicts operated, unfortunately. no - it doesn't mean that DSS will BECOME an addict - but it does mean that he needs help in forming 'new' and 'healthy' thought processing and habits.


Avatar for scoutnut
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 5:51pm

"what i meant was that he probably picked up some unhealthy thought processes because his parents are/were alcoholics."


What particular "thought processes" would those be?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 11:24am

Yes alcoholism is a disease, but unlike diseases like diabetes and hypertension it's a disease with a strong emotional factor thrown in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 6:14pm

Well put Rose.

btw..Where have you been lately?

I've had been looking forward to my daily dose of Rose. Seems you've been posting few and far between... :-)

How are your boys doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 6:43pm

Thanks for the response, Rose - as usual it's very insightful.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:58am

why is everyone jumping to the conclusion that his "from what i can remember' comment means he was drunk? maybe he was just really stoned. or maybe he was fronting.

i don't believe you when you say the 2yr old brought the note to you and i doubt he will either and i'd wager that he is going to be just as upset with you for reading the note as you are at him for ....well i don't know what for.

basically you don't have enough evidence to have any kind of firm case....i'd suggest you not mention it and keep an eye on him.