Sleepover question

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Sleepover question
4
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:39am
My middle child is a daughter age 14 who is very social and loves to have sleepovers at her friends' houses. She attends a very large middle school ( 1400 kids) and we've lived in the Columbus OH area less than 2 years due to moving here for my husband's new job. Recently one of my daughter's closest friends parents divorced- this friend is an only child and her mom bought a house within the school district area but the father bought a place further away to save money.I really don't know the parents well- I did have a chat with this girl's mom once( I didn't ask specifics about their divorce) but the dad I have met only briefly at a school function. Last night my dd wanted to sleep over at her friend's dads place and I was worried so I didn't allow her to go.( I have allowed her sleep over at the mother's home.) I suggested her friend sleep over at our house but the girl didn't want to come over here. Is it just me or would you feel uneasy allowing your daughter to hang out at her friends divorced dad's place when there are no other siblings or others there? This dad also has told his daughter he'll take her on a fabulous trip to Florida for Spring Break this year and offered to take my dd along- I told my dd no on this and she is very mad. I would appreciate your input!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:09am

My best friend is a divorced mom. Her ex has primary custody of their boys. I have had NO qualms about my sons spending time with EITHER parent---just because your DD's friends dad is a male does not make him automatically a bad parent or a threat to anyone. Now if there was information you KNEW to be threatning, then yes, you ought to be concerned.

Divorce is difficult. When I first met my best friend and this family, I wondered why in the world the DAD had custody---even in today's day and age, it is less common for fathers to get custody.......theirs is a long story, and he was dishonest with her during their divorce, and ultimately ended up with custody----she and I developed a dear friendship due to our sons----and my son has spent significant time with both parents.

I wouldn't be terribly concerned about her spending time at dad's house. Now if he is lax in supervision, or allows them to do things you wouldn't allow, then put your foot down, just like you would with ANYONE, but I don't think you should discount him just because he's a divorced dad. I lived with my dad after my own parent's divorce, and my friends stayed the night with me........

Although you didn't mention exactly WHY you felt uneasy, I am assuming it is because he's a single male. As far as the trip to FL goes, that is a call that should be made again based on other issues, rather than if the parent was a male or female. If her parents were married and offered to take her would you allow it? If not, then you are right on, if you WOULD allow her to go with married chaperones, or another 'mom', then maybe you need to re-think your decision? I don't know---

Good luck, and I hope this works out for you and your DD!
Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:34am

I think you were right in not allowing her to sleepover. Whether the parents are married, divorced or the child lives with the mom or day shouldn't really matter as long as you KNOW them and are comfortable with them. I would never let my child sleep at someone's house when I didn't know the parents.


I would have suggested the girls get together at the dad's house for a few hours or so. That way, when you dropped off your daughter, you could meet the dad, go 'do some errands' and then pick your daughter up. This way if there was any discomfort, you could be 'done with your errands' sooner. If it turned out you were comfortable with the living arrangements, the girls could plan a sleep over the next time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:42am

I have a super social butterfly dd and our policy has been that anyone can come over here to play (or the current teen vernacular of "hang out") or sleep over. When it comes to dd "hanging" or sleeping over at a friend's, we need to know the parents. The divorce shouldn't be an issue, but not knowing the dad would be in my mind. I think Karen's suggestion was excellent. It's a lot easier for us to get to know dd's friends parents because she attends a very small school (there are 36 girls in the freshman class) and we've been able to get to know parents from attending school activities. She does have a knack for meeting people at all sorts of different events, and in those cases she knows that we will go into the house and chat with the mom or dad when we drop her off.

You dd's friend is probably feeling very out of sorts with her new arrangement and it's understandable that she might want to hang out on her turf with a friend. Try to get acquainted with the dad and see if it raises your comfort level a little.

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:10am
I agree with you in not allowing your dd to sleep over since you don't know the dad and he lives further away.
Pam