Living in a modest home - embarassed DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Living in a modest home - embarassed DD
12
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 1:39pm

My DD is 13. She goes to a private school and has many nice friends. We have lived in our modest home (2200 sq ft) for 23 years and are very happy there. DD has many friends who have much larger homes (4000 sq ft plus). Our home is very modern, very clean and she is an only child so she has her own room, office, and family in which to entertain her friends. She recently, has not wanted to invite people over because she feels they judge how "rich" we are by the size of the house we have. She knows they are wrong and is very happy living in her home, but can not get past this. I do not know what to say to her. I have said that our house is paid for, I work part time to be home with her etc. She said it doesn't matter, the kids don't care about stuff like that. I know it goes along with the "material generation", which I try so hard to not be a part of. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this? I know it sounds ridiculous as I am writing it, but it has become a problem for my daughter and I am at a loss for words.

Thank you

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 2:05pm

Call me mean, but I would take a "too bad, so sad" position with DD with this issue. I wouldn't feed into the fake, material attitude of her friends at all! I would simply tell DD that if she chooses to sit at home and not invite friends over, then it's exactly that--a choice. If her friends actually have the nerve to comment on the size of her home, then they're not really friends, are they? And then I would totally drop it, and refuse to enter into any agonizing over the situation.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 2:22pm

get her involved doing some volunteer work with the poor; could you be a big sister in tandem with her?

Her attitude is not unheard of-my middle son is very much like this while my other two are not so I like to think its not anything I did as a parent

This son is his most agreeable and easy to live with over the summer when he lifeguards and works with teh special needs kids camps. He seriously comes away with an attitude of appreciation for what he has instead of criticism for what he doesnt

Sadly, it doesnt last all year long-hurry summer ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:44pm

wow, if your home is 'modest' then mine must be downright tiny! We have TWO kids and live in a 1475 sq ft home, 1100 of which is our main living space. I say this laughingly--my Mother in Law informed me that my house was 'very small' on Christmas.........too bad---it's gonna have to be it for now!! We have a basement, but other than the boys playing video games, it isn't used much.

I worry sometimes that my oldest plays this game---being judged based on the size of our house. Heck I worry about it too--not because of the size, but because it does need some work on the outside. But, you know what? My kids are happy (I hope), healthy and want for very little---it is shelter, and quite sturdy--we have a good, dry basement and really, it works for us. Sure, a larger home with more baths would be NICE, but I kinda like our little place. Huge yard, quiet neighborhood...........

Kids go through this 'thing' of needing to feel accepted by material things. My son insists on NAME BRAND EVERYTHING. It infuriates me---but I remember doing the EXACT same thing when I was his age. My parents just didn't give in---and to this day I remember the humiliation I felt for not having clothes or purses like my friends. Talking about the kids that lived in the 'rich' neighborhoods, or that had their very own phones IN THEIR ROOMS........but my home was reasonable, clean and also in a normal, middle class neighborhood.........kind of like now. And believe me, I was then and am now very 'middle class'--it isn't as if my clothes back then were shabby or my kids NOW have shabby things (except you'd think so by the ripped up clothes they buy from these trendy stores). It is just teen envy---don't you know those teens that live in larger houses wish for something bigger and better too? Maybe not homes, but for SOMETHING.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you---It is so hard to teach our kids to be thankful for what they DO have instead of what they think they want. Maybe you could tell her that if you had a home double in size to please her friends, that she'd have DOUBLE THE HOUSEWORK to do! maybe that'd get her to change her mind! hahahaha

Seriously though, she'll understand one day what a nice home you provided for her...... It's the way of the world........we torment our parents with silly issues, and in turn, she'll have the same thing with her own kids..........

Good luck!
Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:51pm

She'll get over it. It's not unusual for teens to have an unrealistic attitude about money and possessions - especially in a world where they have been watching ATM machines spit out twenty dollar bills all their lives. Don't apologize or try to justify your lifestyle to her - if she compares your home to the McMansions her friends live in, simply shrug and say "You can decide what kind of house you'll live in when you're paying the bills" or something like that. Then drop it.

I also like the idea about the volunteer work. It sure can't hurt...

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:06pm

Maybe I'm the odd one here, but were talking age 13.
Before we jump all over them and guilt them and tell them tough sh** , lets remember how insercure that age can be. It's also important to seperate feelings from actions.

<>
Key sentence! SHE'S not the one complaining and whining about all the "stuff" and "space" she doesn't have. As far as she knows her friends aren't either. It's a feeling. Right or wrong that's all it is. Think back to 13. It's all about fitting in and finding your place. At an age when we as parents lament our teens lack of communication with us, lets at least acknowledge them, and help talk them through it. She's telling you how she feels mom. Don't blow your chance. In a few years it's going to be more serious issues than this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:00pm

I agree with daddioe on this one - it sounds like the DD isn't saying she wants more stuff, but is looking for some guidance on how to get past this.

With my DD it isn't the size of our house, but some of her friends are WAY into designer clothes. We *could* probably afford the labels if we wanted to, but choose not to because we 1) don't think it's important, and 2) choose to spend our money in other ways. DD and I talk about this alot - not as a judgement thing, but as a way of helping her process it.

Just this week she was talking about her friend's clothes - 'the designer jeans were nice, but they didn't make me look any better than my regular pants'. This ended up being a jumping off point for a talk about clothes, dressing 'cool' for less, how some moms and daughters bond by buying things, how this mom and daughter also bond by lieing to dad about what they buy, etc etc.

At one point I did have to slip in "You know, it's not just that the jeans don't look better if they're more expensive, but also they don't make you a better person". LOLOL rolled eyes!!

HTH
((HUGS)) to you and your DD!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:11pm

Your home is "modest" with one child living in it?? Wonder what we are, 4 kids, one bathroom, 1500 sq ft, including the finished basement!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:23pm

to the op: i think i'm with daddioe here. doesn't sound like the daughter is complaining so much as just explaining to you why she doesn't invite friends over. no need to make a big deal out of this....she is just avoiding an uncomfortable situation.

btw did you bring up the question of why she never has friends over or did she?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:25pm

Awww Rose, this is one rare instance where I must partly disagree.

Your "soapbox" (lol).. is right on the money. Who can argue with that?
Most of us find that type of materialistic shallowness disgusting, while valuing relationships as what really matters.

Unless I'm way off base, this attitude is not described by the OP.
If one of my kids whined and complained that our house wan't big enough, our cars weren't nice enough, or we didn't vacation properly like Billy's dad does....I would come down on them in a manner that would make Moses wrath on the Midianites look like a Sunday picnic.

What is described (at least to me) is a child who has confided a feeling to mom that she knows is wrong, probably doesn't feel very good about, and I would assume, by bringing up, the kid has asked through the back door for some help with it.
Personally, I find that endearing, and when my middle DS did that years ago with a seperate issue, it made this old coot cry.
To admit some quality of yourself that is really not very nice, (yes... even **I** have them..lol) shows some guts, and many times can be the starting point of much learning; and 13 yr olds have SO much to learn.
So... If I were the OP mom in this case, I'd gently take your message to the daughter and make her learn from it. I'd also ask what evidence she has that suggests her friends thinks she's a pauper. lol.. I'd bet the family farm there is none. She just has a lot of insecurity that can be more effectively dealt with by talking rather than head banging..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 1:25am

Hi tcmom,

It may be that some of the kids she knows are judgmental like that but I would explain to her how wrong that is and then leave it alone, dont make excuses or explanations as to why you live the way you do. I think all kids should have to spend one month in an underdeveloped country to learn how to appreciate what they have big or small. Also to learn what it is to have no education, food, clothes, electronics or the things kids today think are necessities which are really luxories.

Good Luck with this Catriona

Pages