advice on daughter and boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
advice on daughter and boyfriend
11
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:56pm
My seventeen year old daughter is a senior in high school dating a 19 year old college freshman. This guy is a very nice young man. The problem is he is unmotivated and lazy.
One example my daughter had to carry two heavy boxes across the school gym and he just sat and watched and would not offet to help. He is also addicted to playstation. He misses classes to stay home and play and is condtantly late for work because of playing. He is also late for every time they are supposed to do something together. He is currently on academic probation because is is always playing and not studying. My daughter is an "a" student. Very talented and motivated to acheive. They have discussed a future together but I am concerned about his non motivational ways. My daughter is convinved that she can change him. He says he has adhd and is taking medicine for this. That is another thing I am concerned about. Any advice I can give my daughter or do I just keep my mouth shut and say nothing. I ma new to this so any advice I would appreciate. Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:59pm

This young man will probably be out of school at the end of the spring semester if he doesn't put the game controller down a little more and get motivated on his school work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:14pm
My daughter does not like the wya he is but is convinced she can change him. I told her she has to watch his actions not just listen to what he says because actions really do speak louder than words. But she is still convinced she can change him but she says she has to take it slowly
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:36pm

Sounds a lot like my oldest!!!

Boys often mature at a slower rate. I think they also have this 'woohoo' when they get away from home and perceive that parents no longer have control. The idea that he could play games anytime he wanted after parents most likely tried to limit or at least nagged at him probably seems like heaven and he wanted to take full advantage

My son is 20 and has been with GF 9 months-he has matured at least 2 years worth in this time. Even my MIL said something over the holidays(and she is, sadly, one of his greatest critics as she prefers my second son)

I think you have to let it play out. If you criticize, she is bound to become defensive-its instinctive I think.

I know I can say negative stuff about my brother and its okay but if DH says anything remotely negative about him, WATCH OUT!!! Its the same for GF and BF in my experience

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 9:47am

I agree that boys tend to mature more slowly than girls do... My 21 y/os are finally lightening up on the video games, but I honestly don't think they will ever fully leave them alone... it's like they get a huge adrenaline rush when they beat their last score or beat the game.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:08am
He still lives at home and parents allow this. My concern is not just the video games. But he is late for work constantly. Missing classes all the time. Never does homework or study for tests in college. And he seems to be just lazy. When we are at home carrying in groceries he will stand there and not even offer to carry a thing. He has no motivation to do anything at all. I know guys like videos games but when they can't do anything else because of them it seems to me there is a problem. I just worry that he is bringing my daughter down. He was tried to talk her into missing school or basketball practice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:37am

Hi ds13mom,

We were in a similar situations with 17dd, she had a boyfriend for about a year that drove us insane, and no matter what we said or did it did not change her feelings for him in the least. She gave him up when SHE realized he was not going anywhere. He had learning disabilities as well but that was not the biggest problem, he was very lazy and never had motivation to do anything including graduating from high school. I think she finally gets it that anyone can get somewhere as long as they have a strong work effort regardless of learning disabilities, there is something for everyone. In the end I think she just grew tired of it, which at their ages I think happens most of the time. Oh the trials and tribulations of teens and young adult relationships that can drive you nuts!!
For the most part I think you have to bite your toungue, I know this is sometimes extremly difficult to do ( I know from personal experience) Unless there is abuse of some kind. Concentrate on what your dd is doing for herself regarding school and future plans and not him. As far as the video game thing it seems to be an obsession with most young men, I think they should all be burned along with MSN!!

Good Luck and have patience, Catriona

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 2:21pm
Some things can not be fixed, this is something that seems to elude woman of all ages.. ask your daughter if she has ever changed a major part of her character to make some one else happy? most people have not and will not. when you 'love' some one you admire them and qualities they have, ask her what qualities are attracting her, and do they out way the negative.... lastly I truely believe we are all a little crazy, lazy, or have our hang ups, but you HAve to find the 'crazy' you can live with "asis" no warrenty , defects and all, you cannot fix people. I hope this helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 9:05pm

Truth is relationships are risky no matter how the kid behaves right now. He's 19 and he could go either way. He could mature within a couple of years, find his direction in life, see people around him achieving and suddenly get his act together. Or, he could continue to laze about and skate by and remain truly unambitious. Neither direction guarantees any happiness in the future for him and your daughter. Your daughter could bring home the model boyfriend ie smart, polite, ambitious and still end up finding herself unhappy someday. Model boyfriends also sometimes cheat and lie and cause issues. We as adults with more life experience should know this by now -- life has no guarantees.

So here's the most important thing -- ensure your daughter does not hang her happiness on this or ANY man. She needs to continue improving herself, progress towards her own career and education and continue to experience life. Maybe as she grows and learns more and meets other people she will see she deserves something better than a "fixer-upper".

All I'd suggest is do not make a federal case out of it. MY parents did and I ended up marrying my particular brand of loser and paid for it big-time. I didn't marry him because my parents didn't approve but it did motivate me to stick by him longer because suddenly he became the underdog that I needed to save. Don't make this kid a charity case. Just focus on her. Lots of 17 year olds grow out of their boyfriends. AND lots of 19 year old boys blossom into productive young men. So just keep an eye out and relax and continue to push your daughter in whatever direction she's been going for herself. The rest will play itself out as all of our lives did...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 4:57pm
Thanks to everyone for their advice. I just want the best for my daughter. I hope he grows out of this. i know even today he had a dentist appointment but couldnt get up in time to make the 9:30 appointment. I am just concerned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 10:57am
the more i am around this boy, the more concerned I get. He uses his adhd as an excuse not to do anything or try to acheive anything. I asked him about his medicine and he has no desire to even try life without it. It wouldn't be so bad if he tried a little instead of making excuses all the time. Sometimes I think he even gets reality and his games confused. The other night all he could talk about was how on this football game for his playstation was how many girlfriends he has earned and talked like they were real.
If my daughter does he says something he doesn't like he calls her stupid or what she is doing is stupid. I am biting my tongue hoping she sees the light.

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