Christmas trouble...what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Christmas trouble...what to do
9
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 12:49am

This Christmas should be different I tell myself as I drive to my mothers.
Surely meeting my sister there will not prove to be painful... or so I thought!
Her son, autistic and aspergers, was all over the place hyper, making
moms electronics go off and deliberly making all the noise, laughing when we
told him to stop continuing to do so after mom and my sister told him to stop.
I finally had to get up from the dinner table to remove the items. Just so we could have
some peace. We asked her what sweets did he have and she denied it and she
spoke up and said that he had two pieces of pumpkin pie. He corrected her and
said, no it was chocolate. For the record, sweets make him very hyper and
uncontrollable, ending in an explosive episode.

During the visit, my son, who has adhd, odd decided to put my mothers
new phone that we bought her up for her to use. During this, my nephew who is autistic,
aspergers decided to "help". Then for some reason, my BIL decided to "help".
My son is quite capable to do this alone. All of a sudden my son stormed into the
livingroom and burst some colorful language and threats to my nephew and stormed
out of the house. Everyone was stunned, he came back in and again threatened
to snap his cousins neck! I faced him and told him to sit down on the couch or
leave the house to sit in the car. Making sure to make eye contact. He stopped
and sat on the couch visibly upset. Although this was past responses that we
used to see, this was something that hasn't happened in a long time.

My sister later told me that she thought that she was going to get to have a
good christmas this year and that her son was good for a change. Until this
happened. Making every impression that it was my fault. She doesn't ever
accept any responsibility for anything. She finally seen what I am dealing
with here. But anything that she is dealing with is definately worse than
anyone elses problems.

Another thing that irks me is that she lets him go around wearing pants that
are at least 5 inches to short, doesn't even make sure his hair is combed,
it is about 6 different lengths... this just brings more attention to him and
I am sure that the other children in his class makes fun of him... he does
have clothes that fit, I gave them to her!

Avatar for scoutnut
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 2:38pm

Wow - Aspergers Syndrome, ADHD, & ODD, all in the same room!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 6:37pm

Your sister is probably used to her sons behaviors in much the same way you are used to your sons behaviors

It makes sense, in an odd sort of way, that you would each feel the way you do about your child's behavior and that of the other

I personally would be far more concerned about the child using foul language, storming out of a family gathering, and threatening physical violence than I would one who was setting off electronics even after being told to stop

Both kids were wrong and yes, your sister was wrong to act like hers was an angel.

But, like I said, you get used to what you live with

I dont know how to avoid repeats in the future other than an open frank discussion ahead of time.

Point out DS needs alone time and nephew needs to respect that. Talk about how annoying you find DN's repetitive behaviors and strategize ways to avoid getting them started

Its bound to be a challenge for all of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 7:53pm

Yes I agree that the one using the foul language is
the one that we should be more concerned about. I guess
when I wrote the first message, I was still very upset
about the whole thing.

The nephew is a very violent one and he beats her
and sends her to the hospital. He is 13 and the
point I was trying to make was that the clothing
she allows him to wear surely makes his school
life harder, you know how mean kids can be, I am
sure that he takes a lot of ribbing from the other
kids at school. I just think that she doesn't have a
clue. She was going to sew material on the bottoms of
his jeans so that he could still wear them! We are
talking about someone who can afford new clothes.

I have my hands full with my two, and I have had
a lot of experience with the explosive behavior.
This last episode was something that we haven't seen
in a long long time.

THANK YOU for you caring and polite post - I appreciate it

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 8:13pm

*****If it "irks" you, how do you think your sister feels? What makes you think she has an option in what pants he wears or how he wears his hair?*********

My sister doesn't have a clue as how to take care of him. We are talking about
someone who asks me how to mop her floor... geesh.. as for your comments I am answering:

****Your sister is no more responsible for her son's behaviors related to his Aspergers than you are for your son's behaviors related to his ADHD & ODD. The behaviors of both boys are symptoms of their conditions.**********

Excuse me, are you insinuating that we aren't responsible for what our children
do????? Where we are from you most certainly are... The PARENTS are to be responsible
for thier childs actions...no matter what causes them!! I mean come on...if your
child went out and assaulted another child, are you saying that you can't be held
accountable...honey where do you LIVE??? This is exactly whats wrong with our
society these days..."parents aren't accountable!" If they were, I guarantee you
that more crimes would be avoided.

*********You & your sister should NOT look at this as a competition***********

Who are you to say that is whats going on??? I didn't say anything about that!
I agree that my sisters son is far worse than mine, but that doesn't make mine
a saint either.

***********BTW, if you insist on a competition, because Aspergers often includes ADHD, ODD, OCD, Depression, Anxiety & Bipolar Disorders, IMO your sister wins.***********

I know all about these conditions....yes she would win...which is bad because she
has some of the symptoms too

"BTW" - I am sick and tired of being attacked everytime I try to post on this site..
I don't understand why you are so bitter, if you don't like what I post, then don't read it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 5:22pm

It sounds to me like both you and your sister have your hands full - and holiday get-togethers tend to bring out the worst in everyone. My nephews are only 3 and 5, and after two days together we were glad to see them go home!

IMHO, put this one bad day behind you, and talk to your sister about how to make the next family together day work better. I like the advice about talking before hand about how your son sometimes needs some alone time, but also talk to your son about how he could handle the situation better. Also, work with your sister to see what your nephew would need to make the holiday/family time go smoothly.

If you or your sister (or both of you) is having a hard time with behavioral issues with your son(s), it would be worthwhile to get professional assistance. Maybe you've already done this, and didn't share it in this post. But if not, contact a local Child Guidance center or Family Center (not sure what it would be called in your area). A Behavior Therapist, or Psychologist who specializes in adolescents with ODD or ADD or Asperger's or some combo, could provide your family with some essential tools. Your school's counselor or psychologist might have a suggestion of where to go for help.

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 8:58pm

Sue,

You are right, counseling is important and beleive me....we
have been through a lot here... Years of counseling. I didn't
get to share that in the previous postings. My sister and I
both have our hands full and just seems that there are so
many issues, etc.. that it would be hard to share all that
we have done and been through.

My son is 16 almost and her son is 13... I have been dealing with
this since he was in 2nd grade..she has been dealing with this
almost as long.

Thanks for your kind post... have a great new years!~

Wanda

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 9:20pm

I'm sorry that your holiday was so awful. The stress and excitement of the holidays can bring out the worst in any of us and could probably exacerbate the symptoms of those disorders.

Since the celebration was at your mother's house--- how does she deal with it? Just she try to ignore it and let the mothers take care of it, or does she step in, or ? It sounds like your sister doesn't do much to control her son, does your mom mind? Would it help if your mother told your sister what behavior she will tolerate in her home?

Since your ds is older he may be "expected" by the other relatives to behave in a more mature manner. That is quite a combo of disorders under one roof...

You've already gotten some good suggestions on how to approach it in the future so I'll just offer you sympathy. I'm sure that you needed someplace to vent! BTW, have you been to the ADD Teens & Adults board? There you can vent and they will know just what you are going through! Here's the link: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psaddteens

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 3:53am

elc11,

you wrote:

"Since the celebration was at your mother's house--- how does she deal with it? Just she try to ignore it and let the mothers take care of it, or does she step in, or ?"

Mom is fairly disabled so she can't step in physically to intervene with my
nephew...So she mainly lets the mothers take care of it.

"It sounds like your sister doesn't do much to control her son, does your mom mind? Would it help if your mother told your sister what behavior she will tolerate in her home?"

OH mom minds....and you are right, my sister and her husband do practally NOTHING to
control thier son...in thier house early on they let him have his way and to this
day, what he says GOES...they don't show him who the parents are, he has NO respect
for them or anyone else. AND he goes around touching her inapproprately and all she
does is: "J" don't do that... 2 social service ladies were at her house investiagting
a "REPORT" that was made on them from some of his classmates parents that there
was CHILD ABUSE. They won't let her be alone with the boy - says that he is
going through puberty and this wasn't safe... now the county pays 2 men to take
turns to be with the boy, take him out bowling, etc. One time at a college
baskeball game he disappeared, a search team was formed, neither the campus
police or the local town or county police could find him. A county police was
going on a call and found him running 11 miles from the campus, but amazingly
down the street that he lives!!

If my sister tells him NO, he goes off and beats her and she
has to be transported to the ER... one time she was attacked and she was screaming
hoping that her neighbor would hear, but a utlilty worker was the only one to
respond, he came into her home and had to pull the boy off her. He called the
police and they took him into the station, sent her to the ER and then after
MOM was finally able to contact her husband who by the way was at his mothers
playing music...(SAID that he would decide what he needs to do and going to the
hospital was not it..EESH!!)- anyway when he did pick her up much later... they
went to the station and picked the boy up. The mental services intervened and
wouldn't let the police hold him. WELL then her husband took her back to his
mothers retirement home and left her outside in the COLD van with no keys and
her clothes torn off her, while he took the boy inside to PLAY MUSIC!!!!!!!!!
I tried to get her to let me pick her up and bring her to my house, but she
wouldn't have it. Her marriage is suffering because she has a husband who
won't help with the boy, stands by and lets the attacks happen without intervening
and

thats one reason I mentioned how I dealt with my son after his outburst. AND I guess it doesn't hurt to mention that my sister has a disorder, she is slow to some degree.
Not trying to be mean, but she does have trouble ..hasn't been diagnosed..
been that way since she was young...MOM and DAD had their hands full....

& If MOM steps in and says anything, well my sister gets all mad and then she goes
off. She has done this so many times in the past that everyone walks on eggshells
when she and her family are around. I avoided her on Thanksgiving, but agreed to
be at Moms condo when she was going to be there at Christmas. I told her that
this event was the reason that I do not want to get everyone together.

Probably will be the last..Mom can't take this, lately her heart has been acting
up and I made sure that my sister knew this, but she still did nothing..and had
the nerve to say "Well we will leave, maybe everything will calm down" thats her
answer to everything...LEAVE and remain a VICTIM, not to try to work anything
out.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 1:32pm

I'm sorry that both you & your sister have so much to deal with especially at Xmas. The holidays bring so much more pressure and sometimes we need to avoid situations where things can get out of control. Maybe family holidays with both your son & nephew are too much for you to handle.

My youngest DS had problems excess energy especially when given sugar. He had a strong attention span so was called overactive not ADD. We watched his diet carefully and ensured he had a lot of physical activities to burn off all of his excess energy. At 7, he swam once a week, had gymnastics twice a week and played hockey 5 times a week and his teacher could always tell if he missed one of these. We had to make a decision to avoid all family events for 18 mths because my bil thought it was fun to sneak candy & coke to DS and watch him bounce off the walls ruining everyone's time. Everyone would yell at DS and say what a terrible child he was. BIL wouldn't stop and so we quit attending family events. We were the ones that were "wrong" according to the rest of the family. We joined them again once DS was old enough to understand why he couldn't have these treats and why he had to stay away from BIL. It's hard to make tough decisions but what is best for the kids should always come first.

Good luck.