dealing with fiance's children

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
dealing with fiance's children
2
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 5:44pm
I need some advice in how to help my fiance deal with his kids. The problem is that he has spoiled them for so many years that they "walk right over him" now. The kids are 17 (girl), 15 (boy) and 12 (girl). The 12 year old acts like she is 21 sometimes. She has to have all the latest styles of clothing and it all has to be brand name from expensive clothing stores. The problem is that my fiance is laid off (he was for 1/2 the year) and he is still paying maintenance to his ex-wife (1 year to go). He can barely make his house payment and pay for food.
His 17 year old daughter is very introverted and naive. She is a senior in high school but she has no clue on what to do when she's done with high school. She has a career goal in mind which requires her to work with people plus have very good grades. Her grades are not good and she has difficulty talking with people. When her dad talks to her about what her plans are for the future she says "don't worry about it Dad!" in an angry tone. He just walks away. Whenever he confronts her they get into a huge fight and end up yelling at each other. His 15 year old son is the biggest problem right now. He has always has good grades and been athletically talented. The problem is that he is getting mixed up in alcohol and partying until all hours of the night (and morning). He is only a sophomore in high school! My fiance caught several of his friends bringing cases of beer to his house when his son thought that he wasn't going to be home. A few weeks before that my fiance and I were gone on a date and his son decided to have a party. My fiance found empty bottles of vodka hidden in his basement along with cigarette butts all over. He yelled at his son both times, but his son continues to lie to him and do whatever he wants. The other night his son came home at 11:00 p.m. and he "told" his dad that he was going to go over by some girls house for an hour. My fiance told him "no" and his son kept saying repeatedly "why not dad?" My fiance kept giving him all kinds of excuses such as "you did not help around the house today getting ready for company coming over", etc. His son had someone waiting for him in the driveway to leave. Finally his son said "Dad, I'm going and he left." My fiance was really mad. He said "what am I going to do with him?" I told him that I would have stood in his way and said that he could not go and it was final. A parent does NOT need to reason with his child and give him excuses. It was late enough at night for him to be up, especially with his history of partying. My fiance has always been lenient with his kids to the point where the kids just do what they want now. His youngest daughter is already starting to get worse than the other two. She is very moody and pouts when she doesn't get her way or what she wants. He always ends up giving in.
I'm seeking any advice you may have that I can give my fiance to help him.
bunnymom
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 12:49pm

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Bunnymom, I think you recognize the problem, but are asking the wrong question.
He's been dealing with his kids a long, long time. You enter the picture as girlfriend, see ineffective parenting, and want to fix him. Disasterous..
I think you realize, if *YOU* try to fix the kids.. even more disasterous.
If you insist he whip these out of control kids into shape, either the kids will retaliate or he will become resentful. Not a pleasant prospect for the future.
When kids are involved, and you enter the picture as fiancee, you get the whole package including the ex wife.

The other, more realistic question..... "Can I handle watching my fiancee fail miserably in the parenting department, remain an outsider with this issue, and be happy in this relationship?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 8:59am

bunnymom - sorry to say that i have to agree with daddieo here.


you can't fix this for him. its very obvious that there are NO rules in place here, NO consequences for breaking the rules, and NO lines of communications (yelling at your kids, or shrugging your shoulders and saying what can i do are not lines of communications). your BF is ok with this - if he wasn't ok he would be doing things differently.


the question is - what do you want to do? do you want to stick yourself into the middle of this mess? your BF needs to be concentrating on raising his children and making money so he can support himself and his family. i understand that he wants to be married but this is not going to work out.