Out of hand 16 yr old niece???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Out of hand 16 yr old niece???
3
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 3:48pm

Long story short, my 16 year old niece who lives with her mother & step-dad has never had rules to live by. She's a very attractive girl that has been allowed to wear nothing more than a skin tight see through undershirt and already low cut jeans rolled down. She brags about wearing only thong underwear with sequins on the back because "they are cute that way" when she bends over.

She spent several days with us during the holidays to visit with my 13yr daughter & 15yr son. I found out after she left that she was using my daughter's cell phone for hours after I went to bed to talk to a boy she's not allowed to see. She informed my daughter that the reason she can't see this boy is because they were caught having sex. She erased all the incoming/outgoing numbers on my daughter's phone thinking that this kept it from showing up on the bill. She gave my daughter advice on how to get away with kissing her "boyfriend" behind our back since we do not condone "dating" at 13.

I spoke with her mom (my sister) about all of this and found out that this guy was her "first" and before she turned 16. She has been sneaking out to see this guy (17) and now threatening to run away with him, especially now that he says "I'll marry you if you get pregnant"..how many of us have heard that? She's seen him with other girls, one being her good friend. He calls her mom a b**ch & a liar but still she goes to all extremes to see him. Another favorite threat is to move in with her biological father if she's not let have her way.

Her father has remarried also and has a new baby in the house. He very rarely sees my niece. His opinion on the subject was that it was OK for her to be having sex with this boy since she seemed to care so much about him. Now she has a place to run when she doesn't like the rules.

In my opinion it probably would have been different if this boy was a "nice" boy,didn't seem like a "player" who also curses my niece's parents and sneaks her out at night to spend the night with him.

My sister's now asking my advice. Does she make her wear loose fitting shirts, regular pants & grannie panties? Do they take away her car? What if she runs off with this boy? What can they force her to do as far as birth conrol? What if she gets pregnant on purpose? What's next on her list of things she can do since she knows her mom can't do anything about it? What if she decides to quit school now? Do they just let her have her way?

I suggested calling her bluff and let her move in to her father's cozy new house since he doesn't have any problems with it. He hasn't dealt with her lying and coniving but he'll get a good dose of it once he gives her a few rules that cramp her plans.

Has anyone ever dealt with this situation? What are your options as a parent? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 8:33am

I can't say that I've dealt with these problems specifically, but I'll throw in my two cents worth anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 12:54pm

I've never had to deal with any of these issues but Bunnierose's advice seems really sound to me.

The only thing I would add is to ask your sister to try to get inside her daughter's head if at all possible to understand what she is thinking and why she is acting out. What always fascinates me about such issues is that the kids involved don't seem to think or acknowledge that they are doing anything wrong. They think the way they dress, sleeping around, skipping school, and even getting pregnant is okay. Sure, to them its all a blast -- fun, fun, fun. Until a kid comes along and then its not so much fun anymore.

I don't know if outreach programs are available in your area but is there a way to get her exposed to teen moms whose lives are not that glamourous? Teen moms who had boyfriends who've dumped them, had to quit school, spend all their time taking care of toddlers etc etc. I can't think how she'd get her daughter to meet some of these girls but if that were possible maybe she'd get a bit of a reality injection.

I think for alot of teens its like its all a game. They don't seem to understand consequences. And I'm not talking about losing their cell phone priveleges or being grounded -- I'm talking about real life consequences like living in poverty as a teen mom, getting HIV (rates among young teen girls are climbing), or ending up with a boy who abuses them. There's so much danger for kids out there who lose their way.

Bunnierose's advice is great but I also think your sister should look into some types of programs in her area to deal with troubled teens. There's alot of help out there ....

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:11pm

Your sister should get her dd on birth control right away. The Depo shot or implants will keep her protected for months at a time, if you think that she won't take the Pill daily. Mom could take the girl to her family doctor but if dd is rebelling against her mom then she may ignore the family doctor's advice. Planned Parenthood usually knows how to get through to teens, makes sure they understand the risks and gives them condoms.

How does the girl get the revealing clothes? Her mom can certainly have rules about what styles she will buy and how her dd can look when she leaves the house, but her dd could always change into the revealing clothes away from home. Trying to make her wear loose clothes etc won't change the behavior... my kids used to talk about a promiscuous girl at their HS that wore very conservative clothes so the adults wouldn't have guessed it of her.

If the girl is sneaking out at night and breaking other house rules then taking away her car would be a likely consequence, especially if she is using the car to break the rules. Mom should look into an alarm system for the house so she can be alerted if someone is leaving or entering. And she should look into the laws in her state regarding school attendance; here, the parents are liable (fines and even jail time) if the kid is chronically truant.

There *are* things that mom can do... Tough Love, counseling, mom sleeping in front of dd's bedroom door to prevent her from sneaking out, getting her dd involved in a program locally or sending her away-- it really depends on how serious the problem is, to what extremes the girl is going, how much effort mom wants to make, and how creative she is. Has she talked to the bf's parents to see if they can help? Mom would have to decide if sending her to live with Dad would be good or bad.

You might want to post at the Troubled Teens board as some of those parents have been through situations like this and may have some BTDT advice for you. Good luck to your sister and your niece, hope that they get through these years without irreversible consequences.