Visiting friends' cell phones
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| Tue, 01-03-2006 - 5:02pm |
I would love the opinion of the board. I lurk frequently and gain valuable insight and advice, so please chime in.
My 13 yo DD has a girl friend with very different rules. My DD has abused the relationship by going to their house and doing things that aren't allowed at home, so we put a stop to her going over there. Realizing I can't end the relationship, she has to, we allow the girl to come to our house occasionally.
This girl, "H", and another, "J", were at our house this NYE. My husband and I had several friends over for games and food and the girls stayed the night. H was on her cell phone virtually NON stop from the time she arrived at 6:00 until I called them for the midnight toast (grape juice). I looked her dead in the face and asked "H, are you never off the phone? WHO are you talking to at midnight?" She gave me the patented teenage "go to H*ll" look and got off the phone...only to get back on again after they went to DD's room.
After discussion with my husband, I decided not to embarrass DD by making a scene on NYE. However, the next day we talked to DD and set down a house rule on cell phones that will apply to everyone and anyone that comes to our home. (Note: DD does not have a cell phone or a phone in her room.) Kids visiting our house will be asked for their cell phones at 9:00pm. Our house rule is that DD is off the phone at 9:00pm. We will keep it in our bedroom until the next morning at which time we will happily return it to the visitor. If they don't like it they are welcome to call for a ride home.
I told DD that she didn't have to agree with us, but we didn't want her to be surprised if we asked her friends to turn over their cell phones. I know I'm not their parent and don't want to be, but I wouldn't allow them on my house phone late into the night and I feel that they should respect our house rules while in our house. I don't feel that I should be tolerant of something I disagree with just because their parents don't care.
I also told DD that I thought it was extremely rude of someone to come to visit her and be on the phone the whole time. I wouldn't tolerate that of my friends, she shouldn't, either.
Is it unreasonable to exercise some rules? Am I being too harsh?

While I agree H's behavior was rude, I don't think it is appropriate for you to confiscate cell phones and keep them in your room. For one thing, the parents of the CPA''s (cell phone abusers) might have a rule about not turning off the phone when they are away from home. More important, the phone is her property. You might have a rule about kids not being able to use your house phone after a certain hour, and that is your right becasue it is your phone. You are also within your rights to not allow rude obnoxious kids to spend the night (although I don't advise that you do that),but the phone is hers - plain and simple.
I do understand how you feel, however. Dd has a friend who is a CPA and there are times when I've wanted to rip the phone from her hand and box her ears. Luckily, I've been able to restrain myself.
jt
I agree with payitforward - I don't think it's appropriate to confiscate a cell phone. You can certainly lay down the rules, and tell your DD that "rude" or "disrespectful" kids won't be allowed to be guests in your house. Then your DD can say "hey - turn the cell phone off - my mom will freak out!" or whatever she wants.
I agree that H was rude - but she was rude to your DD more than to you - it was rude to be at a friend's house and be on the phone with someone else at the same time - I think it's up to your DD to either accept that behavior or not. You can help her make that decision and learn how to deal with obnoxious friends.
Sue
I don't know that I'd go as far as confiscating the cell
Im in line with this
My kids have cells so I can contact them anytime, anywhere(they were driving age but still...thats the parental right IMO)
I think you have the right to tell her to put it on silent if she's at the dinner table with the family, etc but the rest of the time when she is with DD?
Id say let DD decide how long she finds it 'cool'to hang with someone like this(I can see enjoying it for awhile in a hero worship sort of way but it's hard to see it lasting...)
Thanks everyone.
My concern is that this girl has some influence over my DD and my DD tends to make poor choices around her. By requesting a 9pm quiet phone but having no way to enforce it and knowing the girl won't respect our request my DD will be inclined to use the phone or participate in the conversations, too. Part of me feels that removing the phone will also help my DD in that she won't have to make those choices.
We are familiar with our DDs friend's parents and I know they have our number (Mom has called on more than one occasion) so I'm less worried about the "being able to get ahold of you anytime, anywhere" aspect. And like one post said, how often do you call your kids late at night if you know where they are?
As I'm sure is obvious, I'll be glad when this girl is no longer on the friends list. Unfortunately, the very fact that she has few, if any, rules at home is attractive to my DD right now.