Underage Drinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2005
Underage Drinking
30
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 8:53pm
Hi.
I'm new here, but not new at being a mom. You'd think I would know it all by now! lol.
My husband and I have 6 children between us ranging from 13 to 21.
I need to know how others have handled the underage drinking situation. I feel very strongly that it should not be allowed by parents as it's illegal, but alot of my other friends feel differently about this. (I live in Alberta, so the legal drinking age is 18 here.)
Some of my friends think that their child is going to do it anyway, so they don't mind them having a few drinks at home. We are talking about 14 and 15 year olds, here. My closest friend feels it is best to be open with her daughter and inform her of the safest way to drink and the safest way to get alcohol. (I'm thinking she's nuts...) She allows her daughter to drink and go to parties as long as she knows where she is and who she is with. Again, her reasoning for this is that she says they are going to do it anyway.
Am I just in denial of my children ever drinking underage?
My husband and I have successfully raised 4 children who did not have alcohol situations, (that we know about!!) We have two daughters who are underage at home still.
Am I unrealistic of the drinking situation? My girls do not go to parties, one is a dancer who trains about 20 hours per week.
How do you all feel about "training" your kids to drink? Or "allowing them because it's going to happen anyway"?
I should let you know that my husband and I rarely drink alcohol at all.
Sorry for rambling. I look forward to your responses!
Thanks!
KJ

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: just_kj
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 10:56pm

In our state it is legal for parents to buy THEIR OWN underage children alcohol, but not anyone else's until the kids are 21.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: just_kj
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 11:55pm

Well, there's a difference between instructing your kids on how to drink responsibly and allowing them a beer or maybe some wine at home vs. allowing your kids to attend parties where there is alot of drinking going on.

On the one hand, if they are in your home and you let them have a bottle of beer, you are controlling what they are drinking and how much. You can monitor their behaviour and tolerance to the alcohol and you know that the worst that would happen is that they crash out on the couch. But if they are at a party somewhere you don't know what they are drinking and how much. And even if they are okay, how much are the other kids having and what are they doing when they are that drunk?

My parents allowed me to drink a minimal amount in their supervision. I mean the bit of beer and wine and the odd aperatif or something at a party, a champagne to toast the bride or New Year's -- little stuff like that. They did it because its culturally acceptable within the Italian-Canadian community I was raised in and because I was always in their sight. But it was always in controlled family situations like family gatherings, weddings etc. However, I was NOT allowed to go out and come home drunk. They would hit the roof if that happened.

I still have very clearly in my head two vivid pictures of disastrous results of drinking. One was a neighbour who died when he was at a party, drunk, and he fell into a pool and all the guest there were also too drunk to notice he didn't come up until it was too late. He was in a coma and died about 6 weeks later. The other is of a boy who sat behind me in biology and was a distant relative. He died one night speeding along a highway with a bunch of friends coming home, drunk, from a party.

To me its these things that resound to me with underage drinking. Its not so much the odd glass of beer they might have -- its drinking in group situations that's the problem. Social drinking among alot of underage, inexperienced teens can get easily out of control. So the rule in my house was, okay, have some beer with the steak at dinner but I was NOT allowed to drink outside the home until I was 19.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: just_kj
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 12:41am

I agree with you, and refuse to bow to the pressure. My kids know it is illegal to drink alcohol if you are under 21. I expect them to NOT drink at parties, but I'm also realistic and told them if they did drink, they had better be on the phone getting a ride home. Both know/knew (DD is now 21) that if they EVER took a drink and drove, they would lose their license from me for at least one year--under legal alcohol limits or not. They also knew that I had driven them around for 16 years and was quite willing to drive them around again if I had to--but not to fun stuff.

We allowed both to have a beer or whatnot at home on occasion (we're talking 2-3 times a year). We also rarely drink but there is a fully stocked bar in our house, and has been untouched by kids and their friends. I think all the friends are a little afraid of big, bad Laura. LOL (I'm pretty much a cupcake and they know it, but they must respect my wishes.)

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: just_kj
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 6:44am
Sounds like you are all so good at handling this touchy situation. I have been struggling with it too. My kids have sort of been experimenting with parties. My son (15) has gone to a couple of parties where he drank a bit, but stayed overnight. I saw no signs of a hangover the next day and he has not been wanting to drink since those two parties. He found a good friend that doesn't drink, so they hang out together alot on weekends. My daughter (16) was caught sneaking around with a friend we didn't care for and going to a party out in the woods. The driver was another girl who couldn't be trusted and was a heavy drinker. We grounded her for six weeks because we had the discussion about drinking and driving and I am willing to pick them up if needed. She has since found some better friends who are decent kids. But they all drink too. It seems to be the way everyone socializes around here. We live in a city of 10,000 and there's not alot to do. On New Year's Eve she and her boyfriend went to a party and drank quite a bit, but she did call me for a ride for the two of them. She doesn't go to parties very often, maybe 1 every other month and she told me she doesn't like beer so she only has like 2. I told her I just didn't want her to make a habit of it and to be responsible; some of the kids are at a party every weekend. I say my prayers and try to keep them communicating with me and acting responsible.
Debbie
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: just_kj
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 9:34am

The drinking age here is 21. I personally do not agree with this law. When I was growing up the legal age was 18 - we, of course, did it anyway before 18, but not with our parent's consent. I do not give my 16dd consent to drink at all. On the other hand, I do allow my 18dd to have a glass of wine or wine cooler with us at home occasionally. This only started when she turned 18. She really isn't interested in it much anyway, thankfully. I don't look at it as a situation where "she's going to do it anyway" but rather as an opportunity to teach her to drink responsibly without it turning into just an opportunity to get plastered, like most of her classmates who have weekend parties at homes where there are no parents home, barfing in the driveway and crashing their cars. So far, she has never come home wasted. I am always up when my dd's get home and they know that they will have to converse with me, at least a little.

I really and truly believe that if I had been raised in a home where RESPONSIBLE consumption of alcohol was taught or SEEN, I may have made better choices along my way to adulthood. As it was, my family was riddled with alcoholism and because of that I see no sense in witholding alcohol from an 18 year old, when it's highly likely that while they are away at college they will binge drink once they have the opportunity. I'd rather teach my dd BEFORE she goes off to college next Fall to drink within her limits, without drinking to excess, being responsible for herself, meaning that she doesn't drive, she makes sure there is a designated driver and knows that she can call me anytime day or night if need be.

If they can live independently from thier family at 18, be miles and mile away and be expected to behave responsibly, why doesn't that include alcohol consumption as well? If they can become parents, drive and get thier own insurance, & vote, why can't they be taught about alcohol - and not just the dangers, but how to treat it with respect. We've already learned that teaching kids to "just say no" doesn't always work. Likewise, telling to abstain from sex doesn't always work either - I'd rather just be realistic with my dd's and educate them rather than forbid them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
In reply to: just_kj
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 11:09am

Devil's advocate here... by allowing your children to do something that is illegal aren't you teaching them that if they don't agree with the law it's okay to ignore or alter it's definition to suit their own needs and desires?

The drinking age here is 21. I'm not saying kids don't drink anyway, or that we don't need open communication about it, or that we don't need to teach them to drink responsibly if they feel they need to drink. But allowing, tolerating, or even providing the alcohol is still illegal.

My DD is only 13 and we have not yet had to deal with this issue on any tangible level, so maybe I'm out of touch. I just believe in upholding the law, even if there are times I don't agree with it.

Dani

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: just_kj
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 11:48am

This is a tricky situation, because as you say, many kids are going to do it anyway, no matter what the parent says. I've talked with my DS about drinking and doing drugs and so far he's come home clean. I'm not naive, though and have told him so. I know that kids drink and do drugs and I will not be shocked (nor freak out) if he tells me he's tried either. However, I've told him that I don't approve of either and that I hope he makes wise decisions when he's out with his pals. I put it in those terms instead of strictly forbidding him because, as you say, kids will do what they want to do no matter what we say. I have found from observing others that when something is forbidden, it suddenly becomes desirable. I think kids often try illegal substances as a way of defying their folks in addition to trying to act grown up in front of their friends. So far this has worked in our household. Obviously, it may not work for others.

In regard to drinking at home, I've told my DS that he can try alcohol at home but if he does, he must stay at home for the rest of the night. I do not condone him drinking at home and then going out. He only took me up on my offer once (we had some a small amount of lemoncello in the freeze that he liked). Since then, he hasn't taken me up on the offer again.

Like I said, I'm not naive plus I know what I did at his age. However, I've made it clear that it is not behavior that I condone in someone his age (17).

Mily

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: just_kj
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 11:51am

Rose, what is the legal drinking age in your state? It's higher than 21? Did I misread that?

As usual, I like the way in which you answered the question and agree with you.

Mily

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: just_kj
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 12:45pm

I do see your point. However, my children are MY children and I vote with that in mind. I never voted to have the legal drinking age raised to 21. In our millions of discussions about what's right, what's wrong, what's illegal and what's legal, the legal aspect of this particular issue has been raised many times. I think alcohol is definitely a tricky issue in how the law is interpreted by parents and thier children, whether they be underage or of legal age. I have stated clearly that under 21 drinking is illegal in our state. I've also stated that I think it's an ignorant law and only targets drunk driving issues but not other issues related to alcohol and alcoholism. It has been documented that the alcoholism rates of our teens and young adults has risen since this law went into effect. Why? Perhaps because so many parents think thier kids are on thier own at 21 and it's not thier issue...perhaps because so many parents deferred to the law of thier state...perhaps because so many parents turned a blind eye to the truth that thier 18 y/o college student was illegally drinking, but because it wasn't in thier backyard, they figured, "well, thier in college now, they will do that after all". Not me.

Another law in our state is graduated licenses for minors. IOW, the kids can get thier licenses at 16, but they graduate the allowances of what a minor driver can and can't do. For instance, even if the teen goes to driving school and passes thier test and gets thier license, they can only drive either alone or with a licensed 21 or older driver in the car for the first 6 months. No fellow teens (not even siblings) non-licensed and under the age of 21. Okay, in our case this isn't such a big deal as my dd's attend different HS, but for a lot of families, this law defeats the point of thier older teen even getting thier license - they may need thier older teen to drive thier younger teen to work or school. That part of the law is stupid IMO. I can see prohibiting the newly licensed teen from driving with a busload of other teens, obviously, but a family member? I think that's ridiculous and it borders, IMO, on the law telling me how to raise my kids. That said, just because I disagreed with the law, I did not allow my older dd to drive with anyone for the 1st six months of her license - why? Because SHE would suffer the consequences more than I would as she'd lose her license.

My point is that I basically do teach my kids to respect the law, especially when it affects themselves AS WELL AS others. My 18dd having a glass of wine at dinner or having a wine cooler during a family BBQ is not going to adversely affect others. And I have yet to meet a person who is so morally and ethicly perfect that they can stand and throw stones at another parent simply because it suits them at that particular moment. What about the parent who 'rolls' through the stop sign, or fibs to his boss when he's running late or lies to get out of one appt to make another? What about all those every day little ways in which we bend the truth to suit our needs or purpose. Aren't those other examples by which we teach our children about right and wrong?

I feel that by allowing my 18dd the opportunity to learn respect for what alcohol can and can't do BEFORE she's no longer under my roof to do so is my right as her parent. I don't condone her going out and getting plastered, nor do I turn a blind eye when her friends do or if she were to do so. But I also prefer not to stick my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't happen or fight a losing battle. The bottom line for me is that once she turns 21 she can do whatever she wants - why not teach her NOW how NOT to lose control as so many college students do at 21 and older because no one ever bothered to teach them? I feel it's my responsibility to inform and educate her about alcohol just as it is to teach her about other drugs as well as sex, friendships, the importance of getting her education, about boys, about maintaining a job and being respectful of adults, etc. There are so many ways in which we educate our children, why suddenly do we defer to the law when it comes to something so important as alcohol or drug abuse? I just think to do so is irresponsible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: just_kj
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 12:57pm
This is an interesting question.
Pam

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