Social skills/ Self esteem
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Social skills/ Self esteem
| Fri, 01-06-2006 - 9:40pm |
Hi All. I'm new to this board and seeking advice to help my 15 yo son. I have to say he's a beautiful kid and very smart. He often surprises me at how insightful he can be with things that I think really show how mature he can be, too...BUT, with that said, I am concerned about him socially. I think he is somewhat insecure and just wont let himself be himself. I've heard others kids say that he is obnoxious and that he tries too hard. He does get along well enough with most people- it's just that it seems like people tolerate him more than they actually like him. I think it's pretty obvious to most people that he is "trying too hard." Even my younger son told me that (though I didnt need anyone to tell me - I see it, too).
Anyway - my heart just goes out to him because when he is at home and just hanging out with us, he is so likeable and really such a wonderful kid. When he is around others, his mouth just starts and doesn't stop. He tries to act "cool" by talking trash and trying to be tough - swearing some, that sort of thing - and he tries too hard to be funny (but he isn't really that funny). It can be just a bit too over the top.
Both my husband and I have talked to him about this - actually off and on for years now!! We've also done all we know how to boost him self esteem. Unfortunately, though he has tried several sports, he really isnt that athletic (however, to his credit - he keeps trying - it's just that he spends a lot of time on the bench or sidelines and consequently that hasnt helped much with his self esteem). He is very intelligent and so he does very well academically -however, that doesnt seem to matter to him as far as what makes one "cool" or not "cool." I had hoped that as he grew older, he would mature and that would be how this would stop but it really isnt and, again, my heart just goes out to him. I have also bought him books on leadership (with great tips on how to relate well to people). To make matters worse -things are going much better for my younger son. He has a best friend who is always over -they get along soooo great and I am so happy to see them together and having fun all the time. He also plays sports and is more naturally inclined and he is just so well recieved by other kids. He is just a nice kid, a bit mellow, a bit funny (no more so than my older son, he just isnt always trying to be funny) - just more his natural self. I have often told my older son that what people really like is when you are nice/trustworthy/respectful/honest. If they know you dont bad mouth others and you are kind hearted, they will be drawn to you. He scoffs at me when I say that and has said things to me later like, "yeah right, mom, if I just be nice, everyone will like me." Of course I go into the conversation about how everyone will never like you- you just worry about having a character that you can be proud of and you will attract the kind of people that you can also trust and that will also be respectful of you, etc... but he really doesnt think that will work. I have worked with kids in different ways - as a volunteer teacher at Sunday school, as a volunteer at my kids' schools and you know how there's always that kid that grates on your nerves because he doesn't settle down? He's the one who thinks he's there to entertain the class instead of learn - the one who is always sort of "on." Well, I think that is my son. I havent seen him in a classroom atsmosphere but his teachers have talked to me about him talking alot (esp in jr high). A few times when he helped me teach Sunday school, I took the opportunity to show him how it feels to be on the receiving end of that annoying kid in the class and he totally saw it in that situation but not in himself. Again - I figured he will figure it out in time but - again - it just hurts me to see him trying so hard and knowing it is backfiring. So - all this to say -- does anyone have any ideas as to how I can get through to him? I just want his high school experience to be better and I want him to have some really close friends. I think it is especially hard as I watch my younger son being so well liked (and I think my older son sees that, too) and I just want it for my older son, too. Oh -and just in case you're wondering - my husband and myself are pretty normal. Old enough that we dont even feel the need to try hard to get people to like us - we, do, of course, care about others but our approach is definitely to be the best people we can be and we know that some people will like us and some people wont. So - no obnoxious behavior being modeled from my dh or myself(as far as I can tell anyway;-)). Thanks to anyone who made it this far and thanks for any advice you may have to offer!
Anyway - my heart just goes out to him because when he is at home and just hanging out with us, he is so likeable and really such a wonderful kid. When he is around others, his mouth just starts and doesn't stop. He tries to act "cool" by talking trash and trying to be tough - swearing some, that sort of thing - and he tries too hard to be funny (but he isn't really that funny). It can be just a bit too over the top.
Both my husband and I have talked to him about this - actually off and on for years now!! We've also done all we know how to boost him self esteem. Unfortunately, though he has tried several sports, he really isnt that athletic (however, to his credit - he keeps trying - it's just that he spends a lot of time on the bench or sidelines and consequently that hasnt helped much with his self esteem). He is very intelligent and so he does very well academically -however, that doesnt seem to matter to him as far as what makes one "cool" or not "cool." I had hoped that as he grew older, he would mature and that would be how this would stop but it really isnt and, again, my heart just goes out to him. I have also bought him books on leadership (with great tips on how to relate well to people). To make matters worse -things are going much better for my younger son. He has a best friend who is always over -they get along soooo great and I am so happy to see them together and having fun all the time. He also plays sports and is more naturally inclined and he is just so well recieved by other kids. He is just a nice kid, a bit mellow, a bit funny (no more so than my older son, he just isnt always trying to be funny) - just more his natural self. I have often told my older son that what people really like is when you are nice/trustworthy/respectful/honest. If they know you dont bad mouth others and you are kind hearted, they will be drawn to you. He scoffs at me when I say that and has said things to me later like, "yeah right, mom, if I just be nice, everyone will like me." Of course I go into the conversation about how everyone will never like you- you just worry about having a character that you can be proud of and you will attract the kind of people that you can also trust and that will also be respectful of you, etc... but he really doesnt think that will work. I have worked with kids in different ways - as a volunteer teacher at Sunday school, as a volunteer at my kids' schools and you know how there's always that kid that grates on your nerves because he doesn't settle down? He's the one who thinks he's there to entertain the class instead of learn - the one who is always sort of "on." Well, I think that is my son. I havent seen him in a classroom atsmosphere but his teachers have talked to me about him talking alot (esp in jr high). A few times when he helped me teach Sunday school, I took the opportunity to show him how it feels to be on the receiving end of that annoying kid in the class and he totally saw it in that situation but not in himself. Again - I figured he will figure it out in time but - again - it just hurts me to see him trying so hard and knowing it is backfiring. So - all this to say -- does anyone have any ideas as to how I can get through to him? I just want his high school experience to be better and I want him to have some really close friends. I think it is especially hard as I watch my younger son being so well liked (and I think my older son sees that, too) and I just want it for my older son, too. Oh -and just in case you're wondering - my husband and myself are pretty normal. Old enough that we dont even feel the need to try hard to get people to like us - we, do, of course, care about others but our approach is definitely to be the best people we can be and we know that some people will like us and some people wont. So - no obnoxious behavior being modeled from my dh or myself(as far as I can tell anyway;-)). Thanks to anyone who made it this far and thanks for any advice you may have to offer!

Hello catsmama and welcome....
A few things came to mind as I read your post, the first being that kids mature at different rates, and while some have great social skills at 13 or 14, others don't aquire them until much later.
Hi Cats,
I don't really have any advice for you, but I can relate sooo much to what you're saying. My DS-16 was also doing well academically at 15, with no really close friends, always being "on", trying too hard to stand out or make friends....
But be careful what you wish for! This year DS seems to be much MUCH more popular. He'd only had 1 friend before and never a girlfriend (well, I don't count 1st grade!). This year it's both boys and girls calling constantly, asking him to go out, etc. However, this year he's been caught drinking, smoking pot, has had some very bad temper episodes, on his last report card failed 2 classes, the report before that included a 25, 45 and 48.
I wish I could go back to last year! Maybe don't make such a big deal of him not having too many friends or trying too hard. I believe that almost all kids like that will grow out of that behavior. I worried way too much about it.
Good luck,
zz
Excellent post!
I forgot to add that my DS is not sport-oriented either! And he tried soooo hard, over and over. Now he even refuses to consider joining any sport at all. Sports really can have an effect on a kid's self-esteem and why they might be looking for other ways to join a social clique.
And as to your point about your kid finding something he DOES excel at.... yesterday our comp crashed. The second I turned it on, it would freeze. DS came home from school, took it all apart... and I don't know, I've heard tv's can electrocute someone even if it's not plugged in, so I was very uneasy. He spent about an hour, put it back together and plugged it in. And here I am! I had no idea he could do that. And he was very proud of himself, and that really counts.
Good luck catsmama, we're all doing what we can do!
zz
Thanks, Rose and zz. I appreciate your replies so much. Rose - I think you articulated just what I was trying to express about how my ds is still trying to "get it." That's exactly what I see -- him trying to figure it all out, how it all works, trying this, trying that - and going about it the wrong way (then when it backfires, he doesnt really get why). So - that is what I was hoping to be of more help with.
When I said we've been talking to him about it for years, I didnt really mean that we talk about it a lot. Really, just as things have come up over the years (like when his jr. high teachers were always commenting on his behavior in class, I pointed out that kid in my class who drove us both nuts) or when he had some friends over and he was "on" the whole night, I mentioned something when I tucked him in that night like, Hey - dont feel like you need to entertain your friends all night. Just be yourself because you are sooo likeable just the way you are. Little things here and there and we have always tried to be positive. He doesnt know about the kids who said he was obnoxious or that he tries too hard. One year the kids in his class wrote an awful lot of comments in his year book about him being "funny but not really." The majority of the comments werent that nice - not mean but not really nice, either. I said something like, "You know, you can be pretty funny sometimes. But just let it be more natural. When you try to be funny all the time, I think people get turned off or think it's too much."
zz - Exactly what happened to your son is exactly why I am so concerned about this. When I see my ds trying so hard to get it, I worry that when this doesnt work and that doesnt work, he will be more inclined to try the drugs or go to that party or do something wild to show everyone how cool he really is! I was a lot like that when I was in high school and it was directly rooted in my lack of self esteem. I didnt have that one thing (besides academics) that I was really great at either so I decided to show everyone how "bad" and "cool" I was. I so want to save my kids from that path so I have really tried to make sure that they are confident about who they are. MAN, is that hard!!!!!!!!!
My ds wants to play the sports he does. I am proud of him for keeping his head held high and going out and doing the best he can but if he ever wanted to quit, he knows it's up to him. I have also suggested that he play in rec leagues if he wanted to have more playing time. He has done this with soccer (he did both school and rec) but he wanted only to play on the school basketball team - because of schedule conflicts he couldnt do both. (oh, ftr - he goes to a very small school so everyone makes the teams) I think he likes being with the team 5 days a week, staying out late with them for games, wearing the uniform :-), etc.... We have continued to pursue other ideas to help him find his "thing" because I agree with you both that that can make such a difference in his self esteem but we just havent found it yet. My dh is a computer whiz but ds has no interest whatsoever. Anyway, we will just keep plugging away, I guess.
Thanks for all your ideas and suggestions. It helps so much just to talk it out.
Hi and welcome to the board!