upset with other parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
upset with other parents
14
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 3:28pm
DD16 and her friend M got in trouble last weekend 3 days before M's 16th birthday. M's mom came to my house to let me know what the girls had done and was livid. Said M wasn't going to get her car or license on her birthday, they would make her wait awhile and she was grounded for a month and she hoped I would deal with my own DD appropriately. The crime did warrant a good punishment and I took DD's car away except to and from school and grounded her for 3 weeks. M's mom started feeling sorry for M since it was her 16th birthday and all and now less than a week after the incident, M now has a drivers license and a BMW X5, and New Louis Vuitton purse and key chain. Her mom is considering letting her go out to a big party tonight so she can show everyone her new car. Excuse me... whats wrong with this picture? My DD is upstairs right now crying her eyes out about how unfair this all is and she's right. I stick with my punishments by the way am not changing my mind just because M's mom can't seem to deal with her daughter being unhappy. I tried to explain that M is not going to learn a thing from this about right and wrong and has no reason to not go get in trouble again since she knows her mom will give in within days of punishing her. But try explaining that to a 16 yr. old girl who did the same thing as her best friend and the best friend basically gets rewarded for the behavior... Just a vent.... I'm so anry right now......

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 4:00pm

Yikes. M's mom is moronic enough to have her own reality show.

Of course you can't do anything about M's mom's behavior and dd will understand someday. In the meantime, your dd knows that bad behavior is rewarded with punishment in her home and will act accordingly.

If I were you, I'd draw and nice bubble bath, grab a glass of wine and relax. Make sure to give your dd extra hugs and tell her you love her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 4:23pm

A BMW and Louis Vuitton purse for a 16 y/o??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 5:32pm
Thanks for the support.... I was starting to second guess myself. M's parents were out of town on New Years Eve and said to their kids....no one over.... well. the biggest party of the year ended up at their home and lasted all night. My DD and M and told us they were spending the night at W's house and I had call W's mom to check and make sure that was all good....The girls went to W's house and stayed till midnight and told W's mom that their parents had changed their minds and they had to go home. Then they went to M's and had this big party. So I don't personally think that 3 weeks of grounding is too much. I also think that M should actually be in more trouble than my DD as it was her choice , her decision to have this in her house. My DD is most definately not innocent but the responsibility of the party is really on M for knowingly disobeying an order from her parents. My DD is mainly in trouble for lying about her whereabouts and attending an unauthorized party..... So its really tough that M is getting off so easy and my DD is being punished..
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 5:43pm
You did fine and you are right not to back down.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 6:19pm

Hang in there mom, your DD will thank you for it someday... probably about the time she has teenagers of her own! LOL


Like Pam, I hate it when parents cave when their kids are unhappy with their decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 6:47pm

I think you did fine here - and are right for sticking with your punishment. Your DD lied twice about where she was (once to you and once to W's mom), and went to a party that where there weren't any parents, etc....

I haven't faced this yet with my DD - but the only thing I might do differently is give DD a way to earn back some of her privileges - extra chores = have the car on the weekend for a few hours or a friend can come over? Something that says not only does bad behavior lead to punishment, but also good behavior increases privileges. I've been telling my DD since second grade that you earn more freedom and responsibility by acting reliable and responsibly - so far this is one lesson that hasn't gotten an "oh mom!" lol

Hang in there!!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 7:27pm
I think you are right about earning back privileges....She spent the late afternoon cleaning out the garage and raking leaves.... we live in Texas so there are still tons of leaves falling..... and I let her leave the house at 6:30 to eat with two friends and be back home at 8:30... so I guess a limited grounding for tonight....She'll still miss out on everyone else then going to a big party and she has to come home but... oh well....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 11:31pm

I completely understand this. When DD was 15, she and her b/f did a really major offense. DD was given extra chores to do, certain privileges removed, etc. B/f didn't even get a "good talking to" from his mom. Thankfully, DD didn't get upset over the unfairness of it. She knew she had messed up and expected to be punished.

I would say that sometimes I will amend punishments though. I will sometimes let her trade a day off grounding for extra chores if I think she really understands why what she did was wrong. Thankfully, we've not had to punish her in over a year so I guess we got through to her. She also understands that we always tried to make the punishment fit the crime. We rarely just grounded her b/c for her all that did was frustrate her. With this child, hard work was usually the trick, that or taking away her keys and making her ride with mom to school.

Good Luck! They do eventually get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 5:17am
try living w/ one of those other parents...........dh lets ss off easy, early, etc.. i tell my two sons, and friends of theirs (all boys are 13 ,13, 15) " boy it must really make you mad when you and ss did 'x' and your punishment was 5 times worse,, if i were you i wouldnt go along with his bad ideas , again" so far i can think of 4 friends and my two ds that have learned the hard way, they WILL get the worse end of the punishment. i know this sounds terrible toward ss, but his father's lack of discipline has left me little choice...... i know how Hard it is to stick to the grounding, my boys see this in their own home. i tell them i'm making them good people, thats my job, its NOT my job to be their friend, but at the end of the day if they still like me, thats a bonus... believe it or not they understand.....they dont always LIKE it , but they understand. k-
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 10:22am

this is one of those things that your dd is going to have to learn - life isn't fair. and life isn't ABOUT being fair. you are your dd's parent - and that't the way it is. your dd's friends have certain things in life that she doesn't have - but then again, your dd has things that THEY don't have. we can't go thru life always thinking that the grass i greener on the other side - its not.


i know that your dd is upset - but in the long run, she is far better off with a parent who truly loves her - the way you do - who loves her enough to do what's right, even tho it hurts.

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