My hubby is upset w/ me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
My hubby is upset w/ me.
9
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:23am

What do I do? My DH and I totally disagree on how to manage our 15 yr old ds. Our DS is selfish, surly and generally unsociable (with family). He's horrible to his father and my DH holds a grudge about that.

My DH thinks that by letting the attitude 'go' that he's giving in, or somehow allowing our son to 'get by' with being bad. I just figure it is part of the game right now, and I deal with the situation at hand, but I let the attitude go and don't worry about it.

My DH constantly asks me why he should 'let him get BY with it' and if I tell him to just settle down and let it go, that just makes everything worse. He wants to PUNISH the kid for being a brat............now, I don't like the bratty behavior either, but he and I hava a rapport and I understand how he feels......I felt the same way as a teen. My DH was always the 'perfect' kid.......to this day, his family thinks he can do no wrong.........so I guess he never was disprespectful, demanding or rebellious. Actually, I know he wasn't. He was in a difficult family situation, and just avoided all conflict.

I got a call this morning from DH. Apparently last night late,our son went down to put in a load of his own laundry. When he saw the machine being used, he just dropped his stuff on the floor and left with no word of instruction or request to my DH. MY DH didn't ask questions either..........so this morning, my DH gets up, puts HIS own stuff in the dryer, and picks up DS stuff and puts it in the washer------nice gesture, right? Well DS was furious that the clothing was only started in the wash and wouldn't be dry for wearing today. So DH calls ME AT WORK to tell him 'what to do'. Now he's angry at ME because I just said that in MY opinion, I would have taken the two seconds to ASK LAST NIGHT what DS expected to be done with the laundry. DH is angry because he feels like if DS wanted something particular done, he should have asked for it. I agree, but I also know that my DS obviously wanted a load of laundry done for some reason, and as the NON SURLY, mature adult, a simple question may have alleviated the issue. He says I'm siding with our son and making this ALL MY DH'S FAULT. This isn't true. I do think our son should have asked to have help with his laundry if that is what he wanted. Or mentioned that he needed a particular pair of pants............but it didn't happen. He is living the 'natural' consequences of his actions........end of story. Oh---to top it all off, my son brought down another pair of pants that were most likely previously worn and asked my DH to iron them-----DH said no---a fight ensued with my DH wanting an apology from our son for being disprespectful. He didn't get it---or ANYTHING. But after all that he ironed the pants anyway---------so who gave in? Certainly not me?

So on one hand, I have a jerky kid that won't be civil to us, and a husband who is furious at this and won't be civil back, then wants me to intervene, then gets upset with me for trying to please BOTH of them......I see both sides, and believe in some ways both sides are right---my DS being 'right' only that he's a teen and doesn't understand where we are coming from. I get the middle of the road. I understand where both are coming from, but neither one will meet in the middle. My DS doesn't have the mental or emotional capacity to see beyond the next minute (unless it involves something he highly enjoys). This is a fact with teens. They can't see consequences to their actions. I have a DH that doesn't get this fact.

I don't know, I'm rambling and not making any sense. I feel like the most disfunctional family in the world............and caught in the middle. I honestly see both sides. My sons SHOULD be respectful. But he's a teenager full of angst and feels misunderstood. I did too at his age. I hate this.

Sorry for the ramble/vent. I am at my wits end. I don't believe 'punishment' is going to change the attitude. My DH wants to strip the boy of all he owns and enjoys to prove a point. Makes me want to cry. I feel like I'm living in the middle of the biggest 'pissing' contest in the land. Sorry for the language, but that is what it is like for me. They don't see it that way.

My DH is a WONDERFUL man. He treats me like a queen. He does so much for my boys----Tanner will see it one day and we will be justly rewarded---I came around very quickly in my early 20's...........

Sorry again,
Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 10:02am
Aww shels - it must be tough to feel caught in the middle.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 10:17am

I understand and agree mostly. But how to you put a consequence to an emotion? What is surly to me may be in all seriousness just frustration to him. How can I arbitrarily say your punishment is this for having an attitude? I can punish for breaking the rules, I can punish for lots of different things, but he truly doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He just thinks we freak out at him for EVERYTHING and feels like he can't be himself because of this. If I let some of the attitude issues go--it seems like maybe he'll learn to be comfortable enough to be himself.
Besides, I'm not sure punishment is the solution to all teen behavior.......

We see glimmers of hope with him..........a sense of humor and an occasional reasonable moment.

I'd also like to mention that he suffered a concussion last Thurs. during a basketball game. Irritibility is an issue with a concussion----as well as restricted activity----so although I can't truly say his behavior is all that abnormal, it does seem a tiny bit escalated.....

I know I'm making excuses......but I just don't know how to find a balance. To someone else eye rolling is complete disprespect.......to someone else, it isn't. How can behavior be quantified? and how can hard core punishment CHANGE an attitude.......or a feeling? It just makes it worse in my house.

We don't do his laundry--he does his own. MY DH was only trying to be helpful......and it backfired. But the issue to me was a moot point........he didn't do the laundry, he didn't get the pants, his problem. Now, if it were me in that laundry room, I may have asked if he expected me to do something with the laundry he just dumped on the floor.......and if it interfered with bedtime for me or something I would have said so......but my only point with my DH is that one question may (MAY) have squelched the situation. And I am accused of siding with the son.

I'm just befuddled. I see both sides. I really do. I want to be able to DEMAND complete respect--and get it. But yet, I know he as a teen doesn't understand this concept and only lives in that one moment..........so he's not thinking ahead......so I'm stuck in a situation that I am failing miserably at.

It's nice to be able to vent, though. I appreciate the insight---and Pam, I'm not 'dissing' your thoughts.....I agree, but yet don't know how to find the balance.

Shels.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 11:53am

Shels,

You are having a rough day and I am sending you some really big hugs. I'm having a pretty rough one too so let's just get in the cars and point them in the middle somewhere and meet for ice cream or pie or better yet, both!!

I would suggest that you wait until things settle down from this and try to talk with DH and remind him that DS is a teen and that yes, this is the time he should be learning responsibility but that patience and guidance is a better teaching tool than anger and punishment. I simply tell DD what chores I want done by when. She knows she's not to leave the house after that point if those chores are done. If she does, she will have to leave whereever she's at to come home and finish them. It's an hour drive round-trip to anywhere so that really eats into her social time. She's getting the picture real quick. There's no yelling or shouting - just an expectation that the work get done. You may never change DH's mind but you might be able to convince him to try it your way as his isn't getting things done either.

This coming from the mom that can't find the top of her desk b/c of DD's note cards from last semester's term paper. Oops, now I can, they are in the garbage now. I will tell her where they are when she comes in if she needs them. Trash gets emptied tomorrow. So far as laundry goes, DD has several times had to hand wash panties real quick in the a.m., throw them in the dryer and leave home with them a wee bit damp b/c she forgets to bring down her laundry. I will glady do her laundry at the same time I do ours but she must bring it down daily. I will not do it if she brings a week or more at a time. So instead of bring her laundry down more frequently, she went out and bought more panties with some of her Christmas money. Yes, I will ROFL next week when she has to hand wash those panties real quick b/c she forgot to bring her laundry.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 12:05pm

the love for our teens know no bounds but there is a point to where I snap and all heck beaks loose! I can only take so much attitude and if she is in the way with one more attitude moment, I do let her know it.

I read your post and the laundry issue hit me. My DD's, 14, floor is scattered with clean and dirty clothes. We have a stairway for dirty clothes and all of my kids know that if they want it clean, it has to be down there. If there is a special request, they do it or they ask nicely, otherwise laundry will be done on my time, not theirs. If it's a week (not the norm), so be it, they have enough clothes (half they want to wear, the other half, sorta not.) in thier closets to last a full week without wearing something twice. My DD knows how to do laundry and will do hers if she knows I don't have the time that day. My DS,10, is not into hygiene yet and would wear the same outfit all week long if I let him, (I do not let him). Hubby washes his own since he only wears uniforms for work. He is hardly in any plain civilian clothes and that makes me upset. But we won't go there.
Bottom line, teens are tough and I am just finding out in the past few months how tough they can be. Be a united front and you'll be one step ahead of them, if you're lucky!

Good luck!!

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 12:13pm

Oh, Lia. How I wish we could 'meet in the middle' and have that coffee and ice cream and pie and pasta and.............

I have a dental appt at 1---I've avoided the dentist for 3 years because I need a root canal (hasn't caused me any pain til now) and my wisdom teeth have been trying to come in and the cost to have EVERYTHING done is prohibitave at this point. And I really don't want to deal with the lectures. But anyway the root canal tooth is causing trouble, and am having the root canal next week and a cleaning/checkup type appt today. I seriously am nervous---a xanex would be nice! I'm not just saying that either. That sharp hook like probe is something contained in my nightmares. I ask them to PLEASE not use that thing, and they act like I'm nuts....I HATE it. And the whole root canal issue brings up a complete seperate set of unreasonable fears..........

so yes, today is not one of my better, more upbeat days.

I am not suggesting that my 'way' is the right way with Tanner. I do know, however, right or wrong, it works better than DH's way...........I have a rapport with Tanner. He does tell me things....he does come to me. I know for a fact that he thinks his dad is a jerk and unreasonable (he's not, but that is how my son sees it).

Right now, Tanner is pushing the limits at EVERY turn. We tell him to do something NOW and he'll mosey and do it maybe 2 hrs later. If we nag, it's a fight, if we don't nag, it doesn't get done. I see it as a way to see what he can get by with. We tell him NOW MEANS NOW and he just ignores us. If I push and push, it'll get done, but not without the attitude. Now, if him doing something hinges on chores, they'll get done quicker. Still not as quickly as DH wants it done, but done nonetheless.

I re-read my post and I sound like a whiny brat. I'd like to mention some GOOD things that have happened in the last trying year with our oldest. His grades have come up---on the honor roll for the first time, and in honors English. He's playing basketball and preparing to train for track season. He's a good kid. He feels really nagged on at this point in his life. I think we let him have ALOT of freedom........so we clash. He's obnoxious at times, and other than one incident, his 'attitude' isn't personal (like I HATE you, or you are a terrible mom). He tells me he loves me every day (he tells his dad daily, too) and I know deep down he needs us---he lets it slip now and then.

I'll try to set more even paramaters on what we'll accept as correct 'attitude'. Although I'm still unsure as to how to 'punish' infractions..........

Thanks a bunch, all. I will take my OWN advice and stick with the positive, and realize how lucky I really am instead of fret over a silly argument.

shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 8:37pm

Its so hard being in the middle. I often feel this way between my kids and their dad. My daughter is generally well-behaved and really a great kid but she hits her "teen" surliness on occasion and blows up. Often for the stupidest things of course. And it doesn't help that her dad is really quite stubborn sometimes. He's also a tad inconsistent and freaks out over little things (like his daughter of course!).

I often find myself mediating their arguments. And it doesn't help that me and dad don't really have an ideal relationship ourselves. (We live together but are spouses in name only). I promised myself I would never criticize or belittle their dad but its a real effort for me to maintain that promise, esp when they argue from time to time and I can see where he is at fault.

One of the things that has worked for us is that we don't contradict each other. And we don't overrule each other's decisions. If their father decides to punish one of the kids in some way, I allow my dd or my ds to vent and freak out to me about how "unfair" he's been but I don't reverse the punishment. I try to help them see his point of view.

However, I also do not accept him calling me and saying "your daughter did x and what should I do now?". He has to accept responsibility for disciplining his children and not leave it all to me. I have to do this because otherwise I get flack from him when they misbehave saying its my fault and that I "spoil" them.

To me, when I am not around they have to listen to dad and he has to take the ownership. And when he's not around, its my job to deal with their behaviour. And there's not way that both of us are going to see 100% eye-to-eye on every issue. If they act up when both of us are there, and dad is clearly upset about what's happening then he has the right to punish them. I don't step in and he doesn't step in on my issues because frankly we have different priorities on what's important to deal with.

So basically what I am saying is that, maybe you should quit trying to always agree on every issue and allow each other to deal with behaviour that is problematic to each of you. You might see the laundry issue, for example, as less of a problem while your H sees it as a symptom of your son taking him for granted. If that's the case, when you dismiss your H's concerns you are diminishing his feelings as being somehow "wrong" and no doubt he's not going to take that well....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 9:25am

Shels -
Have't had time to read all the re[;oes, but i wanted to throw in a quick two cents. First, I'm sorry you feel so torn. You are right, in may ways, about triding out our teens behavior and letting certain things go. It's the old "choose your battles" mantra.

The thing is, this is a battle your dh wants to fight and, if I were you, I would look for a compromise of sorts.

There is a tipping point where "venting" and "frustration" become - quite simply - rude, disrspectful behavior. If your son has fallen into a pattern of disrespect, he might not even realize how he sounds at this point. You will do him, your family and his future spouse a great service to reign him in a little.

Sit down with your dh and decide at what point your sons right to extend his verbal arm meets your face. Then sit down with him and say - "You have a right to express yourself, but when you say and do XYZ, I feel you have gone too far. " And then decide if the consequence of his going too far is some sort of privilege lost, hey pays you $5, or he does some lovely chore around the house like wash windows. Or you may not choose to level a consequence at all, but make sure you stop and remind him of his unacceptable behavior. You - and everyone else - will probably be better off if you stand up for yourself.

Remind him that, in society - the real world, the working world, he has to be able to be civil and control his tongue to survive.

Best of luck and hugs,
jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 9:49am

Pay_it,

As a matter of fact, I had such a conversation with him yesterday. I am not sure how much was absorbed by the child, but I felt alright about it.

I just told him straight up that he is allowed to think we are stupid, and he's allowed to completely disagree with us, and he's allowed to talk to us about ANYTHING he wants, even if it is that he thinks we're stupid, or whatnot, BUT he is not allowed to be so completely uncivil to us. He, of course, doesn't see it as being rude--but I think MAYBE, JUST MAYBE he heard me a little. Last night wasn't as ugly. He even managed to do what I ask ALL THE TIME and TALK TO ME if things can't be done as I laid them out.

He wanted a smoothie (he makes his own). I told him to just make sure that he has the blender container washed out and set in the drainer to dry BEFORE WE LEFT for his game. Of course he, being him, wanted to wait til the last second---but I gave him that option. Anyway, we ended up in a flurry of hurry to leave about 30 min earlier to run by the store to pick up a cheap mouthpiece til the dentist can get his custom one made (to help with jarring of the jaw during sports injury---can in some instances help w/ concussion, which he has) He actually came to me and said "well, with us leaving early, I won't get to wash out that blender until I get home". I just said, Ok---make sure you get it done then. End of story. He always has excuses and so forth as to why things can't get done--I just tell him---COME TO ME WITH THE PROBLEM and we'll work out a solution. He never does. Although, I could have lectured him about timley chores and not putting things off, I didn't. I gave him the choice of getting it done before we left, then I upped the ante and we left early---therefore, I gave him props for actually coming to me to ask for a solution.............not much in many peoples minds, but I appreiate the gesture. Oh, and he did wash the blender when he got in.

We'll see how tonight goes.......baby steps, right?

Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:14am
Good for you! Yes, babysteps all the way!