DD broke up with b/f
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 01-10-2006 - 12:14pm |
17 y/o DD broke up with her b/f of 2 1/2 years on Sunday. Poor guy, he suffered through a 2 hour dinner with my husbands incredibly huge family. They are very welcoming (to the point of being overwhelming). I really felt sorry for him through the entire dinner and then she dumps him. Of course, the only reason he went with us was b/c he overslept and missed his hunting trip. Boy he had a bad day!!
Anyway, DD told him she wanted to be single at some point in her high school life and since this is her last semester, it's now. That makes a lot of sense - right?? Not when coming from my DD. She broke up with him on Sunday afternoon at 2:00 and then had a date for Sunday night at 8:00. This with the guy she flirted/cheated with earlier in the fall. He also came and ate lunch with her at school yesterday and met her after school and she's going to the basketball game with him tonight. This sounds like a fast train to non-singlehood. In her mind though, if they aren't officially going out, she's single. And then to top it off, she expects to pick up with the b/f as his g/f when he comes home from college for the summer and continue that relationship when they both leave for college in the fall. She is sounding so selfish and spoiled to me at the moment. I know she's a confused young woman, dealing with the fear of what appeared to be turning into a permanent relationship but this isn't the best way of handling it. Her best friend and her b/f both suggested that she take a month off from guys altogether and see how she feels then but she says no she wants to date but not be someone's official girlfriend. That sounds reasonable but since she's been in serious relationships for the past 3 1/2 years, I truly think she does need some time with no guys.
I plan to give her another day or two before I discuss it with her. I'm hoping she'll come to me but that won't happen so I just pray that she won't get defensive with me and that she'll listen and at least give this some thought.
Any suggestions for how to help her understand that she doesn't have to have a boyfriend in her life to be happy - that she alone is responsible for her happiness.

Lia, you hit the nail on the head. Teens and post teens (like my niece) don't get "it" and "it" is exactly what you said. YOU ALONE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.
I was almost 30 before THAT ONE hit me head on.............and I'm a much better person (I used to be my niece.......oh, Lordy, I am so sorry to everyone I 'acted out' to) for it. I am also much happier. I think kids see happiness (real happiness) as nothing bad or sad or negative happening. Or never having a bad day. That isn't it. It is inexplainable. It's knowing that no matter what happens, at the end of the day you can still find some peace or something beautiful to reflect on.......I don't know.....it's more than just being in a good mood all the time..............we all have crappy days, but that doesn't mean we aren't HAPPY............try explaining THAT one to an ureasonable teen. I can hear their internal thoughts "and they think I'm unreasonable or crazy? they make NO sense!!"
Another pet peeve of mine is that attitude that your "nothing" without a man. Ugh. You are a strong woman and mother. Your daughter will 'get it'. The attention of a boy--any boy is a lure stronger than common sense. This too will change as she grows and matures. I remember seeking the attention of ANY boy---even if I was totally not interested. Just to see if I would succeed............I know, sort of immature and frankly, 'bitchy'. But I WAS immature..........I look back and cringe at those types of attitudes. But they must belong to more than just me.........look at all the girls BEGGING for attention. I grew out of it, and so will she...........I dont' think that because she's an 'older' teen makes immaturity less of an issue. just like happiness, immaturity has many forms.............now with that said, I'm not saying anything bad about your DD---but she will change her attitudes many times over before she finds out who she is. And like the whole laundry thing with Tanner......she'll learn the 'natural' consequences of her behavior. The ex-boyfriend may NOT be interested in taking up with her after she runs free for a while. Her freedom means his too........and he may discover he likes it.
I feel for you! I will be so grateful to one day wake up and realize my kids know I wasn't an idiot and that they 'get it'. What a wonderful reward for the many MANY eons of fretting we do.
Hugs,
Shels.
Today has not been a good day at all. Around 12:45 I get a call from Dd's b/f's mom wanting to know if DD was okay. When she dropped her DD off at school this morning, she had to give DD a shirt she left at her house and my DD was on the phone with the b/f and she was crying. Mom wanted to know what was going on? I had to be the one to tell her her son and my DD had broken-up (and I thought my DD didn't talk much)! That was not a fun conversation at all. I told her exactly what DD said about wanting to be single at some point in high school. She understood that and was very upset that her son left for college and didn't tell her. I can see that. We also mentioned how both the kids had become a part of our families and to have suddenly have them gone would be a loss for us as well.
Move on to tonight. DH and I decide to go watch the girls play basketball. I used to tutor alot of the girls on both teams and tonight would give me a chance to see them all. And yes, it would give me a chance to see what's up with DD and the new guy. DD doesn't know that I know about her and him. DD's best friend has a big mouth that she inherited from her mom. Anyway, DD and this guy are sitting pretty close at the ball game and I look up and see the b/f's mom sitting right across the gym from DD. So much for "wanting to be single". I really felt for this woman. I'm sure she was very angry and disappointed, etc. Her DD was sitting a little below DD and I actually saw her take a pic of my DD on her phone. I'll lay odds that the b/f has the pic before DD gets home tonight.
I'm upset with DD about this and not real sure what if anything to say to her. I personally feel that if her reason for breaking up was to be single then she should truly be single. I also feel that she would be extremely hurt if he was out flirting with one of her friends in a gym full of the rest of her friends (he has a lot of friends at her school) just two days after they broke-up. I guess if I don't know what to say it's best not to say anything right now. Any suggestions on this?
These things are tough and I understand your pain & that you want to be involved in this but maybe you need to step back a little. Your DD is 17 and trying something new. I agree that it would be nice to take a break but lets face it, she broke off with b/f to date this new guy. She is likely to hurt a few people including herself but it is part of growing up. She will need your support to put a few pieces back together in the future. My Mom grounded me at 16 for breaking up with a b/f she really liked. I dumped him to go out with another guy & boy was that a mistake. It would have been great to learn my tough lesson with my Mom behind me than in front of me telling me that I was wrong.
I wish teens & grown women understood that they don't need a man in their lives to be complete but this is a lesson that many women never learn. My DD is also attractive, bright, successful and at 25 has had 3 serious relationships that weren't good ones & she always started a new relationship within 2 wks of ending the old. Her grandmother is no better, she started dating 4 wks after my Dad died because she was frightened of being alone. This was a sucessful business woman who was one of the few who weren't housewives in the 60's. We need to work on the images that young girls are seeing that make them believe they are only complete when they are part of a couple. Dee
Oh my tobylady.
I think the only thing you need to say to your dd is that she needs to be a little more compassionate and use some discretion as she begins dating.
Really, there is nothing wrong with her breaking up with her bf - obviously she feels like she's missing out on a very exciting social life, rightfully so. I WISH my 18dd would break up with her bf once and for all (yes the controlling one who she's back with - can you believe it?) but everytime she does, a couple weeks go by and they're back together. I've had all the talks with her about being independent, playing the field, spending more time with girlfriends going out and having fun. I've emphasized to her that it's important for her to consider his feelings and not be so callous by going out with any of his friends and/or going on a date to places she knows bf hangs out.
It will take time for him to fully get over things, and even though your dd was the one who broke up, she also may unexpectedly have feelings of sadness as well. By occupying herself with dates and fun time with the girls, she will move on, probably faster than the bf.
Personally, I would not be having any further conversations with the bf's mother in regards to the kids' relationship. It's between them only and not up for discussion amongst the moms. The fact is, making up and breaking up is all part of figuring out relationships, who we want to end up with, having fun, the thrill of romance, etc. We had our shot, now it's time to let them deal with thiers. Just letting your dd know that you're there for her and that she could be a little more discreet for a while would be enough.
Thanks for all your wonderful words. DD has been avoiding DH and I all week. That's okay. I wrote her a letter telling her that I am proud of her for having the courage to change something in her life that she wasn't happy with. I also explained to her that I think her being single for a while would be a good thing - she can better handle life if she has more life experiences. I then asked her to please treat the b/f with respect and to try to think how she would feel when he starts to date others. I believe that I was very supportive of her decision and made it very clear that it I like him (and I do despite his problems with alcohol - I didn't even mention any of that). I also told her I would understand and support her whatever she choose to do. I just want her to know I do understand and that I love her. Anyway, she hasn't said anything to me about it and probably won't but I feel better having done it and I hope she does to.
The b/f's mom called me yesterday to ask if I knew anything about else about the break-up. I told her I don't (which I don't). She talked a little about upset her DD is with my DD. They are in the same school and her DD is hearing alot of rumors and doesn't know what to believe. I simply told her that her DD should simply ask my DD. I explained to her that my DD really likes her DD and that my DD hates rumors and would much rather talk to her about them than have her ask around and get the wrong story. She didn't think her DD would do that and I understand that but I'm not going to get into any of that with her.
When his mom hung up she told me she'd talk to me in a few days. I simply said okay. I know her real well. She will pump me for information and repeat it whenever she has a chance. I've already told DD about her calls and I told DD I wouldn't lie to her if she asked me a direct question (honesty is something we've really struggled with DD about) however, I wouldn't volunteer any information. I also told DD that I was perfectly capable of saying to her that out of respect for my DD I would rather not discuss that with you.
DD continues to talk to the b/f at night just like always. I truly wouldn't be surprised at all if they didn't get back together in a few weeks.
Thanks for letting me write this all out here. It helps me so much to write to sort out things. I know she needs space but I am so grateful for you guys reminding me of that - I do tend to want to "butt-in". Your encouragement is invaluable to me.
Thanks Rose. Yes, my DD (also an S) is alot like your DS, S. What is it with that letter?
Anyway, since she doesn't want to talk to me about this, I wrote her a letter being supportive of her decision to be single, reminding her to be respectful of him along the way, explained to her that this is an opportunity to learn about her likes and dislikes in others and how to handle relationships, etc. I believe that I came across as supportive and I truly hope she takes it that way.
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I know you've been through this several times with S and your friendship means alot to me.
Lia
P.S. How is the happy couple?