I'm sure this hard for all of you. I personally have not been in this situation so I can't speak from experience. I can tell you about a friend of mine what was divorced when her youngest DD was 5. This kid worshipped her father. After the oldest child died 2 years later, the youngest never saw her father again. Her mom remarried a man who raised this girl as his own. When she turned 16, she called me and asked to meet me. We had lunch - not an unusual thing for the two of us. Anyway, she asked if I would take her to see her bio-dad. I told her yes but only if she told her mom and "dad". She agreed and did tell them of her plans. Her mom gave me the info to contact him. The DD knew I had it (& I still do - 7 yrs later). I told her whenever she was ready. She has yet to ask me to make that call. I think for her it was just knowing she could call him if she wanted to and that she had some outside support with this.
I also have two cousins that allowed their husbands to adopt their kids. Both of those marriages later ended in divorce and the fathers had visitation rights and child support payments to make. One fully agreed and wanted to continue his role. Another did not. Both of the children wanted to meet their bio-fathers. One of the bio-fathers is in jail for attempting to kill her mom so he was a captive audience. Needless to say, she wasn't impressed at the time but he when he was released, he did straighten out some and she became friends with some of her sisters (his kids from his previous wife). She maintained contacted with her legal dad until the day she died in a car wreck. At her funeral, she had her bio-dad and those sisters, her legal dad and her legal half-brother, her former step-dad and former step-sister, and her future step-dad. She was a blessed young lady.
The other man refuses to meet his DD or her kids. I truly pity this man - he has a beautiful, intelligent, loving DD that he doesn't want to know and two wonderful grandsons that he cares nothing about. This is definitely his loss.
I don't know if this helped or not but I hope so. At this point, I suggest you let her know she can see him. If she wants to see him, you may ask her if she would rather see him with someone other than you b/c she may be concerned about this will affect you. My friend's DD was very concerned about that so she asked me to go with her. Also even if her visit doesn't go well, I would be very cautious about what I said about him to her b/c she may feel that she is a part of him.
Good Luck! Give your DH an extra hug if this visit takes place - it will be very hard on him. This is his baby girl too!
NO experience here - but wanted to send you a hug - this is a tough spot. My advice would be to stand by your DD and let her go through this process in her own way. It may be a tough few months for all of you, maybe a counselor would help all of you get through it in a productive way.
My dd was adopted as an infant, so neither of us are her bio parent. Please don't misunderstand this, but I am curious. Why did you wait until now to tell her? I'm not being judgemental and I do think she needs to know the truth. It sounds like she is secure with you and your dh and I know that will help her.
It is natural for her to have questions - especially in the teen years. We have told our dd she has to be 18 before she searches for her birthmom - of course, this is an entirely different situation because ours is a closed adoption. We know she will search.
Have you sonsidered having your dd and her bio dad correspond by mail at first? They could send each other photos and it might make the transition easier. Our dd has photos and a letter from her birthmom and she keeps them in her nightstand drawer. They are well worn from her looking at them. I also made her an album about the story her adopton. If you have documents from when your dh adopted her, you might consider making copies for her. I've heard from many adult adoptees that every scrap of information is precious.
Continue to tell her that you and your dh love her very much. Sometimes our children come to us through birth and sometimes God chooses another path, but they are still undeniably our kids. Biology does not make a parent.
I don't have any BTDT advice. just wanted to send you some hugs.
I think that this is something that will take time, and you need to prepare your DD, your DH and yourself. . is there an adoption agency that you can contact and maybe get some help?
Many hugs - Only you know what the reasons are that you decided to wait to tell your dd about this. I am curious why you waited so long, however. I have a friend in this situation and it's always just been openly discussed.
I think it's important for your dd to understand the why's around your H adopting her. I assume that his adopting her required her bio-dad giving up his parental rights. I think it's important for your dd to know that it wasn't about bio-dad NOT wanting her but rather it was about his wanting her to have a better life than he could offer (if that's the case). I also would take her seeing him very slowly. I don't even think I'd permit it immediately. I would encourage emails or snail mail at first. And when they do meet in person, I would remain present the entire time. IMO, he hasn't earned the privilege of her visits or attentions and I wouldn't want him taking advantage of those opportunities - God know what his version of the story is.
I may be presuming a lot about her bio-dad, but I think in terms of caution. All the best.
Pages
I'm sure this hard for all of you. I personally have not been in this situation so I can't speak from experience. I can tell you about a friend of mine what was divorced when her youngest DD was 5. This kid worshipped her father. After the oldest child died 2 years later, the youngest never saw her father again. Her mom remarried a man who raised this girl as his own. When she turned 16, she called me and asked to meet me. We had lunch - not an unusual thing for the two of us. Anyway, she asked if I would take her to see her bio-dad. I told her yes but only if she told her mom and "dad". She agreed and did tell them of her plans. Her mom gave me the info to contact him. The DD knew I had it (& I still do - 7 yrs later). I told her whenever she was ready. She has yet to ask me to make that call. I think for her it was just knowing she could call him if she wanted to and that she had some outside support with this.
I also have two cousins that allowed their husbands to adopt their kids. Both of those marriages later ended in divorce and the fathers had visitation rights and child support payments to make. One fully agreed and wanted to continue his role. Another did not. Both of the children wanted to meet their bio-fathers. One of the bio-fathers is in jail for attempting to kill her mom so he was a captive audience. Needless to say, she wasn't impressed at the time but he when he was released, he did straighten out some and she became friends with some of her sisters (his kids from his previous wife). She maintained contacted with her legal dad until the day she died in a car wreck. At her funeral, she had her bio-dad and those sisters, her legal dad and her legal half-brother, her former step-dad and former step-sister, and her future step-dad. She was a blessed
young lady.
The other man refuses to meet his DD or her kids. I truly pity this man - he has a beautiful, intelligent, loving DD that he doesn't want to know and two wonderful grandsons that he cares nothing about. This is definitely his loss.
I don't know if this helped or not but I hope so. At this point, I suggest you let her know she can see him. If she wants to see him, you may ask her if she would rather see him with someone other than you b/c she may be concerned about this will affect you. My friend's DD was very concerned about that so she asked me to go with her. Also even if her visit doesn't go well, I would be very cautious about what I said about him to her b/c she may feel that she is a part of him.
Good Luck! Give your DH an extra hug if this visit takes place - it will be very hard on him. This is his baby girl too!
NO experience here - but wanted to send you a hug - this is a tough spot. My advice would be to stand by your DD and let her go through this process in her own way. It may be a tough few months for all of you, maybe a counselor would help all of you get through it in a productive way.
((HUGS))
Sue
My dd was adopted as an infant, so neither of us are her bio parent. Please don't misunderstand this, but I am curious. Why did you wait until now to tell her? I'm not being judgemental and I do think she needs to know the truth. It sounds like she is secure with you and your dh and I know that will help her.
It is natural for her to have questions - especially in the teen years. We have told our dd she has to be 18 before she searches for her birthmom - of course, this is an entirely different situation because ours is a closed adoption. We know she will search.
Have you sonsidered having your dd and her bio dad correspond by mail at first? They could send each other photos and it might make the transition easier. Our dd has photos and a letter from her birthmom and she keeps them in her nightstand drawer. They are well worn from her looking at them. I also made her an album about the story her adopton. If you have documents from when your dh adopted her, you might consider making copies for her. I've heard from many adult adoptees that every scrap of information is precious.
Continue to tell her that you and your dh love her very much. Sometimes our children come to us through birth and sometimes God chooses another path, but they are still undeniably our kids. Biology does not make a parent.
Hugs,
jt
sending you hugs...
I don't have any BTDT advice. just wanted to send you some hugs.
I think that this is something that will take time, and you need to prepare your DD, your DH and yourself. . is there an adoption agency that you can contact and maybe get some help?
Many hugs - Only you know what the reasons are that you decided to wait to tell your dd about this. I am curious why you waited so long, however. I have a friend in this situation and it's always just been openly discussed.
I think it's important for your dd to understand the why's around your H adopting her. I assume that his adopting her required her bio-dad giving up his parental rights. I think it's important for your dd to know that it wasn't about bio-dad NOT wanting her but rather it was about his wanting her to have a better life than he could offer (if that's the case). I also would take her seeing him very slowly. I don't even think I'd permit it immediately. I would encourage emails or snail mail at first. And when they do meet in person, I would remain present the entire time. IMO, he hasn't earned the privilege of her visits or attentions and I wouldn't want him taking advantage of those opportunities - God know what his version of the story is.
I may be presuming a lot about her bio-dad, but I think in terms of caution. All the best.
Why didn't we tell her sooner, I really don't know.
Pages