Winter Formal dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Winter Formal dilemma
15
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 6:41pm
Please pardon the length..After being out of town for 2 weeks, I have returned requiring sage advice..
My wonderful, thoughtful, daddy's girl, super kid has finally made the transition to 15 yr. old spawn of the devil....
I knew it was coming. Frankly, I'd be concerned if it didn't. They need to seperate from us to grow, yeah..yeah..ya-de-yah-de-yah..
So...
The winter formal dance is this weekend. Her ex-boyfriend asked her to the dance, and DD said OK. Shawn is a two-faced, untrustworthy, pot smoking, sexual pig weenie. That's my nice description of him so as to not violate TOS. Shortly after breaking up with DD, he (at 15) had sex with DD's best friends' older sister (who was 18) because frankly, she's stupid and was drunk at the time.
They "went out" for about 3 months, then he broke up with DD because he couldn't get anywhere with her. Apparently, two months time and a dozen roses entitled him to some action. Guess not...
He gravites toward the loose and troubled girls for obvious reasons. I think he considers DD a "challenge" if you know what I mean...
DD is not sexually active and doesn't get into trouble. There is my dilemma. She is quite naive about this pig. Daddio, being the cool calm slick parent (insert sarcasm icon
here) said she could go to this dance, but NOT in Shawn's car or any kid's car. I, or some other parent needs to drive her, and there will be no after-dance activities with weenie boy.
DD flips out, wails and crys about how over protective and dumb this is, etc.. etc..
and has not talked to me for several days. She has a slight point in that these dances are really centered around her *group* of friends. I obviously have a problem with weenie boy and I do not want her alone with him. DD in her youthful naivety, still considers him a "friend", probably because the going trend of sophistication makes it look "cool" to be on friendly terms with exes, regardless of how you've been treated.
I'm angry at the situation, and slightly depressed at "losing" my girl. Am I overreacting? Am I overprotective? She hangs with a crowd that do not seem to have the parental controls that I insist on. Partially because they are almost a year older, yet still in the same grade.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 7:16pm

I'm really sorry about having to deal with weenie boy. And I feel your pain on the losing the girl to the dark side. This has happened to my 14 yr old in the last year as well. It's torture!

All I could think to suggest is try opening communication with her by asking what it is she was hoping to do. Was she thinking they may go eat afterwards or something? Maybe you can find out what specifically what she is mad about and possibly compromise. I remember the things we did after dances and I don't blame you for being protective! At the same time, the things we did sound a lot worse than they actually were.

Beyond that, I don't have any ideas, can only offer you support. I think you are doing the right thing, allowing her to go but insisting on parental units as transporation. It's a good compromise between what you want (to keep her locked in the bedroom away from all weenie boys) and what she wants (to do anything she wants, duh, she's 15, that's almost an adult (rolling eyes)). :)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 8:06pm

My condolences daddio, I'm sorry to hear your having trouble with your girl. This sounds like a very tough spot to be in.

I for one, do NOT think you are overreacting or being overprotective here. Given this weenies' (one of my favorite terms, btw) history and current hobbies,(ie pot smoking) why does your DD want to go anywhere at all with him?

I'm trying to think of a compromise to try and all I can come up with is this: Why don't you offer to drive as many of her 'group' as you can accommodate in her vehicle? You know, play chauffer to her and her friends. That way, she's still with her friends, with her date, but you pretty much have the upper hand in how she's getting there, where they go after (if you allow anything at all) and when she'll end up at home safe and sound in her own bed. Pretty lame, huh? I guess since there are a lot of relatively new drivers in her crowd, the whole idea of driving themselves around is part of the novelty.

If they're going to dinner beforehand, you could always offer to buy dinner for her and weenie-boy, providing you drive them of course, and that may help seal the deal. And if this guys as big a loser as you think, he may just go for the free meal ticket.

(I digress here, but years ago DD was in a situation that required travelling somewhere I wasn't comfortable with and I ended up renting a van for a day so I could drive a number more kids than my usual vehicle permitted. Long, boring story, but it worked out at the time.)

It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about her spending time with this guy, for good reason, and I don't rightly know what I'd say or do if I were in your shoes. Probably something totally cool and very smooth like "either I drive you or you don't go!" How's that for diplomacy?

Or maybe ... "I'm just really not comfortable with you going anywhere with this guy and here's why .... In fact, I'm terrified for your safety and well being at the thought of you alone with him. I'll allow you to go to this dance with him, but only if I drive you, him, and as many of your friends that we can safely squeeze into my car. I promise I'll keep my mouth shut, I won't embarrass you, I'll just DRIVE." If she still protests, then you can throw in the dinner deal :)

Doubt if I helped much, maybe someone else will have better advice for you!

Good luck,
Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 9:22pm

I don't think you are over-reacting daddio.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:02pm

I agree with other posters, daddio - I think it's fine to keep some control here. This boy doesn't sound like he deserves your DD, and hopefully, in a controlled way, she'll see this. I do agree with the advice of continuing to talk to her about *why* you don't love this boy - he's nasty and didn't treat her with respect, etc - she may roll those eyes, but the ears still work - she'll hear you, even if she denies it!

Good luck!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:34pm

Nope, you aren't being overprotective. You are being a kind, loving parent.

I agree with everyone else--you do the driving-----my biggest obstacle and one you may want to share with your DD is the drug use. It's one thing to have weenie boy 'try' to have his way with her---or to be obnoxious, those are things that your DD may be able to handle, but illegal drug use in ANY capacity endangers more than her immediate virtue---it could affect everything she does in the future---I realize some of the ramifications of other behaviors could as well, but the drug use may also be the least offensive to her sensabilities at this moment. If you tell her how worried you are that he'll come on to her, or force himself on her---that will put her on the defensive--as if she can't handle herself. But illegal drug useage that could affect her long term college goals--or suspicion by 'association' can also hamper her chances in being trusted by others.........

As a mom of a potential weenie (I certainly hope not, but who knows right now?) I wouldn't be offended in the least if my son misbehaved, and therefore the parents of his friends questioned his trustworthiness----it would make me proud to know his friends at least were being parented by caring responsible people.

Also, a bunch of 15 and 16 yr olds on the road..........alone.............too much fun and music is also a recipe for disaster. Surely she could SOMEWHAT understand the luxury of being able to have weenie date devote his ENTIRE attention to her instead of concentrating on driving (and lighting up, and changing the music, and high fiving his buddies.............)

Another suggestion that may appeal to her (I personally think it's still a young age, and unnecessary, but it IS an option if you have the means) is to hire a limo driven by a chauffer-----set forth the rules to the chauffer--no drinking, no drugs, and no inappropriate activity at all, or the ride is over, and a call is made immediately to Daddio, who will personally come to diffuse the situation----you are paying him after all. That way you are assured she's not alone, and not in a dangerous positon, and being driven by a licensed adult, and she can rest assured she won't be embarassed by her DAD. I think personally that Limos need to be reserved for Senior proms and other highly HIGHLY special occasions--BUT not every parent feels this way, and I certainly don't criticize those who feel differently----

As a parent of a soon to be driver---male driver--I won't allow large groups in a car for some time...............maybe a double date (MAYBE). It is too confusing and just a major problem all around. Good grief---I remember PILING into cars and just going----oh goodness---this is why I am a nervous wreck now!!

I'm sorry your DD has gone to the dark side. She'll return---I promise. And one day she'll be sitting with HER teen and call you and say---"as much as it pains me to admit, YOU WERE RIGHT". And there will be peace with the world once again!! And then you can laugh your 'butt' off and go on a quiet romantic dinner with your DW, and realize what a beautiful, responsible DD you raised.

Good luck, and keep us posted,
Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:40pm

Good advise..Thanks all.
I have a couple days yet to try to get what she's thinking. Kinda icy around here. Any attempt at discussion about this ends up with her getting unusually emotionally dramatic. Quite frustrating for me.
I'm hoping this unusual acting out is a self kick in the pants for agreeing to go to this dance with weenie boy in the first place. That may be wishful thinking.
I did overhear her on the phone talking about one of the other parents not allowing their kid in a car full of 16 yr. old freshly minted drivers either. Progress.
I will stand my ground then. This board is the rock of sanity in a sea of hormones...

LOL..Pam.. Doesn't demonic posession enter in as a possibility for ALL parents at this age? :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 11:02pm

Ahh! Great Idea!
I hadn't thought of a limo. That may be the solution. Except I'd have to corral ALL the kids. I don't want to encourage anything that would make it appear DD and weenie boy were having an actual date.

As to the drug use, unfortunately it's fairly mainstreamed around here. If I can believe my sources, the unwritten rule seems to be no lighting up unless all of the passengers, (or if ouside, the immediate group) partake.
Huge difference from my time in the stone age where users and non-users kept to themselves socially.

My main concern is time alone with weenie boy. DD also doesn't appear to grasp that I trust her.. not him. She says I treat her like a baby and that anything she tells me about "stuff that goes on" just comes back to limit her opportunities for a social life.
Apparently, her telling me about potentially dangerous situations gives her license to be there, even if she's not directly participating?
sigh... What a winless situation.
Your kind words and support are very much appreciated. And you've given some good ideas on how to approach her.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 5:42am

Daddio,
Actually, I think you're wishful thinking might just have a bit of reality in it. I'd stand my ground on the car thing. You have your reasons - good ones - and she doesn't have to like it. A limo might be a ok compromise - it would give her that hint of independence without setting her loose in a car with weenie boy in control.

Good luck on this on. Our dd is 14 - dh and I were just talking about how little time we have before we have to deal with the whole teen driving thing.

Shudder....

jt

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 8:46am

My dd's were never allowed to ride in anyone's car at 15, period. I don't think you're being overprotective. However, you have a few options available to you, if you don't mind your entire evening being ruined.

How about you offer to dd that a group of the kids meet at your house and you can drive several of them along with her in your car and the rest can follow in thier cars. When they meet at your house, you can offer some refreshments, like a pizza and some sodas, and some snacks.

Then, in lieu of going to a party after the dance, you can open your house up as the party place and let the kids come back to your house with a pickup time of, say, midnight. Again, you could offer some refreshments, etc. Do you have a basement or den where they can gather and listen to music and talk about the dance?

Or, another option could be to tell dd that she can have a girl-only slumber party after the dance so that they kids generally come back to your house, the boys leave at say, 11-12, and then the girls can party together afterwards.

It's really hard to lay down the law, but if you're willing and able to offer some alternative suggestions, perhaps dd will come around. I don't think you're being too strict at all. My H has a knack for seeing through to the pig inside the boy almost every time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 11:16am

Wow, the "youthful naivety" portion and the friends in the same grade, a year older is exactly my dd too! She sounds like a wonderful girl and I wouldn't have done anything different than you did. My dd will be 15 in the summer and is in 10th grade, most of her friends turned 16 in the fall. Fortunately, she has a good group of kids that she hangs with - this year. (And it helps that so far...she likes boys as long as they don't like her back!)

Last year's winter formal was similar to yours this year: Her "friends" had become "friends" with three 11th graders and a 12th grader who thought the "then 9th graders" were cute. My dd wanted to go bowling after the dance with these guys (who drive) and their friends - the 8 of them crammed in an SUV...but, not to the bowling alley a mile down the road - to the bowling alley 25 miles from our house - for MIDNIGHT bowling. Hubby and I of course said no. If they wanted to bowl, they could stay in town. The boys initially said yes, then at the dance decided that even though the girls couldn't go out of town, they were going anyway. I ended taking 4 girls in formal dresses to get carry out from McDonalds and coming to my house to watch movies - they ended up having a blast! Sometimes they guys just end up shooting themselves in the foot anyway!

Good luck and stick to those rules - sound reasonable to me!

Mom to Emily (18), Conor (17) and Hannah (12)
Wife to David - 8/20/88

 

 

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