So mad at DD!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
So mad at DD!
5
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:20pm

My DD, who is usually pretty responsible, etc, broke a major rule tonight. Actually, for the most part she doesn't have too many hard and fast rules - she's a pretty good kid and we've been able to rationally discuss most things (so far). But the one rule she does have is that she is to call me when she leaves school and when she gets where she's going. We live in Queens, she's in school in Manhattan. The condition of being able to travel by subway, and not by school bus, is calling me at every transition point. We've discussed this many many times in the 2 1/2 years she's been at this school. DH and I have been adamant that as her parents we need to know where she is - for example if the subway system shut down (like it did during a blackout), I need to know if she's on the train.

Anyway - she is pretty good about this - about 90%. Each slip up is followed by mega-apologies and then PERFECTION for several weeks. Sometimes she only calls when she gets home, but as long as she's home at the regular time, we've accepted that.

So....to today. The last discussion we had (at 6:45am) was that there was a basketball game but she didn't want to go/play; she had religious school and was going there. I said (and I quote) "call me at all transitions"

School ends at 3:30; sometimes she hangs out until 4:15 to travel home with friends who have a late last period; then she gets dinner and walks from the subway stop near our house to temple; religious school starts at 6:10.

At 5:30 I still had not heard from her. Calls to her cell phone when unanswered. At 5:50 I called the religious school director and asked if she was there yet (she wasn't). Another futile call to her cell.

{at this point, I'm sure she's lying injured or worse on some street in Manhattan}

6:10 - my cell rings - from her friend's phone - "Mom we had to rush down from school to the basketball game at 3:30, I didn't realize until halftime that I had forgotten to call you, and then we were in the basement with no cell service" I have never been so angry with here. This is total BS - she could take one minute to say to the coach - I have to call my mom to tell her I decided to stay at school.

Fortunately for her, it takes her an hour to travel home. I had a chance to blow off steam with DH and come up with a consequence. Taking away the cell phone won't work cuz then she'd have a great excuse for not calling us. I considered taking next off from work and offering to drive her personally to and from school (great for humiliation factor). DH and I decided on having her come home straight from school and being responsible for calling us from home phone exactly one hour after school lets out - no excuses. If there's a basketball practice, I need to know ahead of time, and then she has one hour to get home. This will last for the rest of this week and next week.

She's not happy, but I didn't expect her to be. She's not at all repentent, which I wish she was a little. She knows I'm still mad, and is trying really hard to get on my good side.

Ah well, a small bump in the road, but an annoying small bump.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: ljd_mom
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 9:25am
Good thing you had that hour! I think your solution is perfect. Freedom and responsibility go hand in hand....
jt
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: ljd_mom
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 8:02am

for starters - i agree that the consequence fits the 'crime'. so from that POV you are doing fine.


however, i wanted to ask (and pardon me poking my big nose....) but how old is your dd? I think that having her call you at every transition point is a bit excessive (even tho i DO understand where you are coming from). i think its great that she is doing this most of the time, and i think you need to let it go. you will never have perfection from a teen (unless its having the perfectly messy room lol) - and 90% says that she is doing her best.


you know, i live in israel . a few years ago, we lived in one city, and my son was gong to school in jerusalem - he had to take two busses each way. at that time, there were terrorist attacks weekly and it was very scary so we bought him a cell phone - the rule was that if there IS a terrorist attack he had to 'call in'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
In reply to: ljd_mom
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 9:10am

My DD is 14yo - in 9th grade - and generally pretty responsible. I don't think that calling when she leaves school and calling when she gets home is excessive, because I feel as her parent it's my responsibility to know where she is. This may be my over-active imagination, but if she were hurt, or stuck in a subway, or goofing off with friends and I had to say "I don't know where she is", I'd feel irresponsible. I don't mean every 5 minutes - she hangs out with friends after school, and during school hours they have lots of freedom - but 3 hours without checking in was over the limit. She could call and say "I'm hanging out in the park with the gang" and that would be OK, just as long as I know where she is. As I said in my OP, she often doesn't call at *every* transition, but definitely I hear from her by 5pm every day one way or another.

It's interesting that you are in Israel. My dd went to a Jewish elementary school, and had (still has) alot of Israeli friends. I noticed that the parents from Israel were much more likely to give their children greater latitude, were much more relaxed in their supervision, than the American-born parents. Maybe this raises children who are more responsible and independent?

It would be hard for me to only hear from my DD "if there's a terrorist attack" because there are so many other things that can go wrong.

thanks for your thougthful response

Sue

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: ljd_mom
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:52am
Hi Sue, I agree with the consequences you gave your daughter as she should have to deal with her mistakes. But I do wonder a little about how angry you are with your DD. I understand your fear as I have been there too but you were sound really angry still. Your DD sounds like a good girl who made a small mistake (when you consider all that teens can do wrong). We need to pick our moments and sometimes teens won't come forward with large mistakes when they have seen their parents get extremely angry over what was relatively small. I'm not saying this as critism but rather because of personal experience. I was extremely tough on my DD who thankfully never did anything really bad but I saw a whole new world when my DS went through a terrible phase and I feel so guilty that I was so hard on DD. Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: ljd_mom
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 11:39am

i can't help laughing at your post - you are definately right that israeli parents are more lax - i am an american but live in israel. the truth is that israel is a relatively safe country - street crime is virtually unknown


However, after living thru periods of ongoing terrorist attacks, people became more scared and most parents i know will drive their kids to and from school rather than let them take the city bus.


its interesting about being more or less independent and responsible - would make an interesting study. i don't know if israeli kids are more independent - they do tend to be more rude and pay less attention to rules.