Requiring Teens to Attend Church?

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Requiring Teens to Attend Church?
15
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 9:13am
Hello Friends,
We are Catholic and have always tried to attend church every Sunday. The kids have grown up this way. Over the years there have been Sundays when we didn't attend mostly due to sports (swim meets, wrestling, baseball tournaments). But if there wasn't a sports conflict where the team was counting on us (I know that opens another can of worms, but stay with me on this one topic for now), we were in church on Sunday. We have two teens and a preteen now. They go to church unwillingly, but they go most of the time. They even help... the teens help with Sunday school and the preteen is an altar server. Sometimes there is an event that comes up (i.e. staying at a friends' overnight). My husband INSISTS that we go get the child and make them go to church. Over the past few years, he has become a very strict Catholic and lectures the kids on what they should do as Catholics. I guess I am just a little more relaxed on the subject. I consider myself very spiritual and I really think the kids are too. I think that by forcing the subject will turn them off. They have talked to me about this... they hate it when Dad lectures about the Bible. They've made the point that they are good people and have faith. We discuss prayer and having faith around home. My husband tends to go overboard on alot of subjects, not just church, and feels it necessary to "drive the point home." Instead, I think that a nice discussion where the kids can give their opinions is more effective. I don't know.... maybe it's good to have one parent who is more strict and one who is laid back. But DH and I argue at times about our differences in approach. What do you all think??
Debbie

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 10:15am
Just my opinion, but I think that if you FORCE religion on them, they may grow to hate church and anything to do with religion. Keep talking to them about their beliefs and encourage spirituality without being overbearing. If you have a youth program, maybe you can talk to the leaders about doing things to encourage teen involvement, if you don't have a program, maybe you can talk to your priest about starting one. Maybe you can also talk to the priest about this and see if he can offer any advice. Hang in there, I know it's hard to have one parent that is strict and one that is lenient. ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 10:26am

I generally just lurk around here to see what I'm getting into with a 14 yo, but I decided to post. My DH and I are regular church goers who are pretty involved in our church and we make our kids attend regularly and participate whenever possible. I think it's great that you make your kids go to church, that you go with them, and that it's part of your regular day. Even if they go unwillingly now, it shows them that it's important to you and helps build the foundation for later, so it might continue as they get older. However, if your husband tends to "go overboard" and doesn't allow any deviations or is constantly "preaching" at them, it may tend to sour them on the experience and drive them away from the very thing he wants for them.

Now, to give you my perspective on your dilemma about sleepovers - while I appreciate your husband's wish for your children to not miss church, even if spending the night with a friend, I think it may be a bit much to go pick them up at the friend's house on Sunday morning. If the friend regularly attends also (even if a different tradition), I think it would be great for your child to go with them. I think it helps to get exposed to different traditions or styles of worship. If the friend isn't a regulat church attender and you still want your child to go to church, I would think it might be nice to invite the friend to come along or only have sleepovers on Friday nights, so it isn't an issue.

Bottom line, I think a heavy hand be detrimental to the cause, but I think your husband has good intentions. I would continue to have discussions with him (without the kids) about expectations for church attendance and try to come to a mutual decision on it. Let him know of your concerns that he may be pushing them too much on some things and see if you can reach a compromise on some issues. Use examples where the kids are acting like he would expect and showing that they get it regarding their faith. Maybe realizing that his efforts are producing results without his overdoing it will help him relax a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 10:59am

I have 2 teens and a 9 year old. We usually make it to mass 3 out of 4 weeks a month. Sometimes the kids moan and groan about it, but they know it does no good. We try to go to Saturday afternoon mass (4:00) if we know we have other conflicts. They have both been alter servers since 4th grade - dd is in HS now, so she is done, ds is in 8th grade so he is finishing up this year. I've made it clear to them that they are expected to help out/participate/volunteer at the church in some fashion at least once a month. I keep track of the youth group schedule and my husband and I help out where/when we can with that and the kids go too - my dd thinks it is dumb, until she gets there and has a great time - every time. I've been drilling in the "to whom much is given, much is expected" routine, so they know not to mess with me on the subject. They have been blessed with a good life and the ability to do the things they enjoy, so they are expected to help out when needed.

I'd try to keep the hubby's religious "lecturing" to a minimum, it will only drive them away from it-and him. If you know they are good kids, the lesson is being learned and has sunk in. Keep them involved, but find a way to "make it seem like it is their idea!"

Mom to Emily (18), Conor (17) and Hannah (12)
Wife to David - 8/20/88

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 11:33am
We go to church pretty much every Sunday (United Methodist) and the boys are always expected to go with us.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 12:12pm

Do you have a Life Teen program? It is an awesome way for teens to connect with their faith and each other. Most Catholic parishes have one - or something like it. At our church, the LT Mass is at 5:30 on Sunday evenings and is open to everyone. Afterwards, kids from 9-12 grade are invited for a dinner and a program of sorts. My dd is curently helping a friend of hers with her confrimation process and attends LT at her church, 20 miles away. She truly loves it.

This might be a way to satisfy DH and keep him out of their hair. I understand why he wants them to attend, but - no offense - he sounds a bit over the top with the preaching and everything.

It's a balancing act - you can't force religion on kids, but most wouldn't go to church voluntarily if left to their own devices.

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 12:37pm

Regarding forcing the kids to attend church, I have let mine miss occassionally on Sunday if they spent the night with a friend. However, I usually offer to pick them both up and take them together. DD has missed b/c of sports as well but we make it a point to have a devotional either that morning or the night before. Sometimes we've invited others on the team to join us with this as they too are missing their church activities. DD, however, is not allowed to miss simply b/c she stayed out too late the night before or waited until the last minute to do homework.

About DH, I tend to be more like you and DH is the more heavy lecturer in the family. I do think that alot of couples are like this after all we are two separate and individual people with two separate brains. We were each raised in different families (although similar in some ways). We bring to our marriage different experiences. I think this may be good for kids to see as long as the more dominate parent isn't so domineering that the kids can't see the good points that each parent has. Continue to talk to DH during calm times about this. He might actually give it a try - mine has on occassion. He's not real good at the discussion thing b/c his parents never talked with him but at least he's trying.

Good Luck!

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 1:59pm
Very nice input everyone. It really helps to hear what others do. I have tried talking to my husband about the preaching during calm times. He tends to do this with sports too. Now we have two teens that don't want to be in sports anymore. The youngest one didn't get preached to... so she still likes sports. I must say, he has gotten better though. I know he always means well, and we parents hopefully learn from our mistakes just like we expect our kids to. He just has a problem knowing when to quit talking and having more realistic expectations. Send your prayers, as I will for all of you.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 3:09pm

Hi Jupiter,

Fellow (lapsed) Catholic here. I haven't yet read the other posts. My family and I attend a non-denominational Christian church. What you are describing from your husband is a "legalistic" approach to religion, and not only is it a turn off for kids, but most adults. We believe that we are saved through grace and that attending church regularly is not going to get you "more saved", so to speak.

Having said that, I do "make" my children attend church fairly regularly. I do not insist that we attend every Sunday, but attempt to make it at least every other Sunday. Sometimes we will go every Sunday for awhile, and then sometimes we will miss several Sundays. In addition to the many other reasons, I also feel that attending church is becoming one of the few things we have left to do together as a family. As teenagers grow older, I think its even more important to have this tradition/ritual.

However, I do think you need to have a talk with your dh and explain that his legalistic attitude toward church is eventually going to backfire.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:18pm
I think there are subjects that you should try to drive a point home (like drugs, sex, etc) but church isn't one of those subjects. I was raised going to a Penecostal church but when I reached my teens my parents became more flexible. They allowed me to miss a few Sundays or I could go to the Catholic church with my girlfriend on Sat evening if we were going to be out late Sat night. Your relationship with God is personal and it isn't something you can force someone to follow. I watched my cousin turn away from God because both her parents were like your DH. They forced her to attend church, they made her be involved there and lectured her a lot. She left home at 18 and won't step into a church even though she it's been 40 yrs. I wanted my kids to believe and so took them to church, not the one I grew up with as DH couldn't handle it. They went to Sunday school until they chose not to. Now, my youngest DS (19)is about to get a tatoo and it is to be a cross to represent his belief. My other 2 kids believe in a higher being who may not be exactly the same God I love but it sounds a lot like it. Good luck, Dee.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 5:26pm

Maybe you ought to give them some room to explore their options. You can't require someone to believe, so I don't see the point in requiring someone to attend church.


I was raised by an agnostic (my mom, raised Catholic) and an atheist (my dad, raised Presbyterian). I think it was my father's hope that I'd grow up to be an atheist too, but his little lectures only taught me that atheism in fact requires just as much faith as believing. I couldn't buy into any

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Pages